How did your wedding day reflect your feminist beliefs?

[SkaterGrrrrl]

After reading lots of the awesome threads in here I've realised that many of us feminists are married. Marriage and weddings are often seen as not particularly feminist institutions, so just wondering how posters here incorporated feminist touches into their wedding day! Did you cross out the vow ?to obey? from your wedding ceremony? (There was an uproar when Princess Di did this). Did you ask a woman to make a speech at the reception?

Dh and I walked down the aisle together (not in church though).

But we didn't invite any guests at all, not even family, so I'm not sure if we really had a wedding. We just got married.

Eloped. Grabbed two people off the street as witnesses.

Civil ceremony only.

The 'obey' bit wasn't in ours either, nor the 'who gives this woman..', so that was ok. We simply did every tradition as equal eg he had a bestman and groomsmen, I had a best woman and bridesmaids.

My dad did a speech, but so did his - in this way it was our parents handing us over t each other to start our own little unit. DH spoke, as did I.

Didn't do the bouquet toss at all - hate this part of weddings!

Overall our day was really traditional, but I like the sense of tradition and ceremony. A few tweaks made it easy for me to reconcile feminist beliefs with the traditional ceremony.

Oh dear.

Well, I fell at the first hurdle I guess, as I got married in the Orthodox Church and the service is, er, pretty sexist. There is a mandatory reading of the passage from Paul about 'wives be subject to your husbands' and innumerable references to how 'fruitful' DH and I (read: me!) were meant to be. I felt like a walking womb by the end of it. It was not my idea of fun, and especially because the priest decided mid-ceremony to override our decision - we'd asked him to read the passage about 'being subject' in Church Slavonic so I couldn't understand it (and so my guests wouldn't understand it either!) and he read it in English! I was furious! He didn't tell me how much crap about me having babies there would be, either ... but it was not feminist!

However, we did walk each other down the aisle (hate the idea of being 'given away'), I made the first speech at the reception, and my 'best woman' made another speech, as did the groom's mother - so we had three women speaking and two men (DH and my dad), which felt like a nice balance.

We also didn't go with the horrible traditional wording on invitations that has my parents inviting people to our wedding!

DH and I each had two 'crown-bearers', who I guess were like bridesmaids, but we didn't make adult women wear some kind of crap we'd chosen. This is one of the things that makes me puke about trad. weddings - why would a grown woman need to be told what to wear? Why is she there just to be decorative?

It was pretty clear through the whole day that it wasn't going to be a simpering 'ooh, my special day' kind of thing, we wanted a good party with friends and no rubbish about 'the bride's day'. And my dad's speech talked about my academic work and how proud he is of that (awww) - and he didn't talk over my head to DH (pet hate)!

Yuno, I'd not thought of it before, but I guess a veil isn't very feminist! No veil here either, and no 'virgin-princess' dress either. They creep me out. if I were vain I'd say there were pics on my profile too!

I liked that my academic supervisor came and, rather wonderfully, initiated a conversation with the only man on the table about his (medical student's) views on the hymen. She's a specialist in the history of virginity, but my mate didn't know that at the time, and he acquitted himself well!

Mine was very traditional - it never occured to me back then that my dad 'giving me away' was anything other than a nice tradition. I'd do the same now. No different to asking a stranger to lock the door as Dad and i left so he wouldn't be 'locking me out'. Didn't do the 'obey' line obv.

Kept my maiden name though

Skater, I love that idea with the bouquet (though I guess, you could say you were being anti-feminist by rewarding a woman for simply existing as a wife for the longest, as if that's a woman's ideal achievement ... )

I kept my bouquet as I'd made it and was damn proud of it - but DH ended up carrying it on the way home.

Have never even heard of the getting-a-stranger-to-lock-the-door thing.

And you looked lovely, LRD. Feel sorry for you being lectured on your heir-and-spare reponsibilities though, aargh.

Thanks Elephants. Though I have to say, it was less 'heir-and-spare' and more 'as countless as the grains of sand', if you want to know.

bloody hell, you'd better crack on then! Nothing like the thought of being permanently pregnant until you die of exhaustion to really put you in the mood for your wedding night

A lot of this hadn't even occured to me- do people really still not have the bride having a speech?

I suppose we are being pretty feminist- everyone has a speech, we invited people, I'm not chucking my flowers anywhere, I'm walking on stage with both parents (as is DP), I'm wearing combat boots, DP knows what I'm wearing but won't tell me what he is wearing, my name isn't changing (but I have changed my name previously to match the kids), we are having powder rooms for each gender, I can't actually think of any sexist bits, apart from maybe the children are my bridesmaids and not on DPs side, but that is terminology more than anything.

TBH I wold have happily signed a statutory declaration that dp and I wanted to be viewed by the state as a couple for legal purposes and left it at that. Perhaps we could have a "couples house" a bit like Companies House and just send off the appropriate forms, to have the details on a national register.

We could make the forms sparkily for a bit of romance?!!

Butterpie - your wedding is going to be great!!

I did give a speech ( I do like talking!) and didn't change my name but my lovely Dad did walk me up the aisle. Good job MIL didn't have to give dh away, I'd have had to wrestle her!

No "obey" here either. In fact I have been to a lot of Irish weddings and don't think I have ever once heard a bride vow to obey. Probably no point, really in promising something most Irish women wouldn't do anyway!

I did have a very big dress and two bridesmaids and two flowergirls in big pink dresses but it was the 90's My dsis was a bridesmaid and wanted to wear her Doc Martens and I wouldn't let her. I so regret that now!

I told dh what to wear, though!

We had a civil wedding. Our vows were about not leading or following but walking together. I kept my maiden name. We did absolutely nothing traditional, I wore a black dress, we went to a restaurant afterwards (with our 20 guests) and had a nice meal, no speeches etc. It wasn't just about feminism (obviously!) but also us just not wanting to be weighted down by tradition, expectation and debt!

Its great to see so many examples of women standing up to sexism even while doing something as traditional as tying the knot!

I also didn't wear a veil ? no offence to anyone who chose to wear a veil but I declined because to me they can symbolise women being other/ passive/ objectified.

No 'obey', no 'giving away' (a friend of mine walked with me down the aisle), no name changing, threw the bouquet for all the women (I did my own impressive flowers so all the women wanted my bouquet), I made a speech at the wedding.

I agree totally with LeninGrad - we also got married for legal reasons (we were moving abroad & it made life much easier). It would be great (given our current legal system etc broadly as it stands) if any two people could register themselves as a legal unit, so to speak.

We had a registry office ceremony, don't remember having to ask for any offensive bits to be removed, it was all very equal IIRC (long time ago). Neither of us changed our name, we just wore smart clothes & had a party afterwards (2 barrels of beer in the back of our van ). Re. your friend, Sethstarkaddersmum, if we hadn't worn our glasses I don't think either of us would have found the office to get married!

People tend I find to be very surprised that we're married, perhaps a bit less now as we're older but it always used to seem odd, so I guess that reflects objections to the institution as a whole.

It didn't

I walked down the aisle with my whole family, but then DH didn't walk down the aisle at all. Wasn't given away, didn't promist to obey, but then that isn't in the Catholic service anyway.

I made a speech.

It's not a very impressive list...

I'm getting married next month and to the casual observer it might look like the whole thing will be fairly traditional. My dress is white; I'm wearing a veil; my dad is walking me in; there will be speeches. BUT I would never have even considered getting married unless it reflected who I am (was very anti-marriage actually until I met DP - I want to be married to him, rather than be married per se).

So, my dress is white because I realised it would make it easier for everyone to immediately identify me as the bride, and because it's easier to plan a colour scheme around. It's a tea length swing dress; my veil is a birdcage veil, worn purely for awesomeness There is no way I could countenance wearing a trad veil. In fact, I went and tried on some trad wedding dresses just because I could (already knew I didn't want one) and they made me feel so uncomfortable - all trailing and heavy and the fabric felt cheap. It was like wearing a physical reminder that my role was to sit or stand still and say nothing. Fuck that.

In an ideal world both parents would have walked me down the aisle, but my mum is dead. I would have asked my brother since he was the most constant and most loved member of my family, but he's dead too. Because of this, I know it will mean the world to my dad to walk me in, and that's good enough for me.

There will be no matching hired suits for the men, certainly no mini monkey suit for our 2yo DS - I hate seeing very small children gussied up in uncomfortable togs. We're paying for pretty much everything ourselves so invites are from us, and we're aiming for a relaxed knees-up feel rather than a formal wedding. I will be making a speech - can't believe more women don't - and will be keeping my name, because it is too cool to lose and because it's DS's name too.

Totally agree with whoever posted earlier about wanting to avoid the commercialised aspect of presenting oneself. I'll be doing my own hair and make-up on the day as I want to look like me, and a big factor in my choice of dress was price and wearability. It seems like the more you pay for a dress, the less wear you can get out of it. My dress cost under £100, was made in the UK and will be worn again whenever I get the chance!

We had a small registry office wedding, and just all had a long lunch in our favourite restaurant with a huge cake from our favourite cake shop. The whole day (my flat, wedding, restaurant, cake shop, etc.) took place in the same street, so no car even. Very low-key, inexpensive, very intimate. Just best friends and absolutely closest family.

Oh, an in the middle of it I had a bust-up with the registrar (or whatever she was called) over translation. Who then proceeded to tell my DH-to-be that he has not made a great bargain with me. All my friends were ROFL, thankfully DH's family and friends did not speak the language, so thought it was all a joke.

My DH-to-be walked me to the ceremony (our best photo is him holding an umbrella over me in the rain), and my Godmom was my witness (I was not baptised, it is more of family title).

No speeches. No dance. Absolutely no stealing the bride. But free drink and food for everybody for the entire time. As there were so few guests, we could talk to everybody and share a drink, joke, etc.

In general I loathed the idea of a wedding, but it actuallu worked out quite all right.

I love everybody's stories. Expat eloped

cyteen Good luck.

I got married 11 years ago and was very happy to say obey.