Marriage = Sucess

[thefinerthingsinlife]

Ok....the short story is pil's are very religious, hence both of my sil's are under the influence that marriage is everything and the sign of being a 'sucessful women'.

Sil(1) is in an abusive relationship, pil answer was to get married, that will solve the verbal and physically abuse I kid you not

Sil(2) is going to uni in Sept pil told her to find a nice man to marry while she there. So she can have babies ect.

Mil always telling me is should look after dh as thats my 'job' and questions my going back to work and studying to qualify for a different career as I should be at home looking after the children and dh.

I want my dd to be strong and independent, and not think that being with a man is her aim in life.

How can I make them see (and most of all my dd see) that that this is so backwards.

I obviously mean success, my speeling is terrible

Why do you need to make them see? YOu will be the primary influence on your children so they will take their cues and views from you, in the main.

I'm worried that they will push their views on dc's

and i'm also sad for my sils

Unless you are totally passive (I assume not) they cannot push theor views onto you children. They can express them and disapprove of yours but you can counter their views when alone with your children. How often do you see them? I think you are over worrying. It's not good for you sils, I agree

Definately not passive.

I try not to see them too often for this reason, probally once a month if that.

I just wish my sils could see that the most important thing is to be happy with themselves and not seek self worth from men.
I just dont know how

How much have they influenced your DH's attitudes?

When he was younger he took what they said to be gospel, then he went to uni and got with me and now he could disagree with them more.

He sees that they are very unrealistic in their views and wants our children (esp dd) to have a career and not give up on their dreams for men/partner

Thank you sugar.

I really can't see my sils 'seeing the light'. They've had 29years and 23years respectively of this bulls**t and they truely believe it.

I get very soap-boxy about it, and make it clear that in a in life and in a relationship men and women should be equal and they look at me like i'm mad.

And if im told it's a womens 'job' to look after their menfolk one more time i'm going to go mad. They don't understand its 2010. not 1940.

I fully intend on getting a career and showing my children a women's career at just as important as a man's.

Ho odd when I clicked I thought it was going to be "marriage = success" for men, which I think is true to a certain extent in that they live longer healthier happier lives etc.

Anyway. My grand-dad was terribly sexist, but my parents weren't. We all thought/knew that his ideas were terribly old-fashioned, which obviously is utterly unappealing to a child/young person.

Your children will have you as their primary influences - don't overestimate the influence that the gPs will have or even if they try the children might well see straight through it.

OP how about lending your SILs something like The Equality Illusion?

When your DCs are old enough you can let them read it also.

I think i'll be buying that at the weekend.

The thing that fustrates me the most is that pils know that eldest sil relationship is abusive and they dont seem to be bothered, the attitude is very 'well men will be men'

It scares me to death that my dd will hear that attitude and god forbid she gets into an abusive relationship will see abusive as an accepted thing because of this ridiculous 'men will be men' attitude.

If your SIL does marry this abusive partner, I think you should maintain as close and nonjudgemental relationship with her as you can. Because if she ever ever needs to get out of that relationship, her own parents are going to collude with the husband to keep the marriage together. You may well be the only person she can turn to in the future.

Why do people hold these ridiculous views??!!!??!

Milly it's very hard to remain non-judgemental because she know exactly how I feel about him. The twunt face boyfriend got into an arguement with me and use the phase 'well your only a women' , as you can imagine I lost my temper and told a few home truths and told him that he might get away with bullying sil, but I have self esteem and self respect and I wont be spoken to like that.

Needless to say he knows I wont put up with his shit just because he's a man.

I have told sil I will always be there, and the day she rings up and says she wants to leave him, she'll have a room at our house. So she does know that she has got somewhere to go.

I wish there were an easy way to get people to see how ridiculous these kinds of views are. Unfortunately I don't think there is, as although you attribute this in part to your PIL's religious views, sadly this "oh he's a man, how can he be expected to cook?" / "what do you know you're only a woman" bullshit is still prevalent in society regardless of religion.

Your DD will be watching you and her dad, not her grandparents, to learn what is normal and good in relationships. Bringing up your DD to be proud of her own achievements as a person will come naturally to you, I'm sure.

Why don't your get your SIL to post in the relationships section on here and see what response she gets. Out of interest, why is she with this man?

Elephant, i've tried to get her to post, she wont post as hers isn't a 'proper' abusive relationship as he has only hit her a once or twice and she deserved it because she was rude to him!!! She says the verbal abuse is normal and couples fight

She's with him because she see him as her last chance to have children etc, and now he's knocked all the confidence out of her, she doesn't think she will get anyone else. Her parnets also reinforce this.

Ugh that's so sad TFTIL. Yes because much better to have children with someone who thinks it's fine to hit you. Imagine what he'd be like if they did marry

Didn't you say she's in her 20s?

Is she still living with her parents?

Why don't you start a thread on her behalf? You could get some good book recommendations? Or would she hate that do you think?

I've tried to warn her that it will only get worse, esp if she gets pregnant, i've given her the stats of dv in pregnancy etc, but she seems so disconnected to it.

She's 29, and in her eyes past it, her mum keeps tell her the clock is ticking to have babies, so sil thinks this is the only way.

She doesn't live with her parents, she lives a couple of hundred miles away from us, in the boyfriends house. He owns it and she pays all the bills ect as he does not work.

Where do you reconmend posting it, in relationship, or maybe chat because its busier so i can get more replies? She already knows how I feel about her situ and that i'm a mnetters so she wouldn't be suprised, and tbh if the thread makes her see sense i'll risk her hating me

Trouble is you can't just kidnap people and make them see how much danger they're in, they have to realise for themselves.

I would post in relationships because there are amazing posters there who know this issue inside out. Tell the brief history of the relationship, ask whether it's abuse, mention you are going to show it to her. What's she like? Does she have lots of friends/social life where she is?

You sound like a great friend to have - always appreciate the ones who don't mind being hated to tell you the truth.

Right I'm off to post in relationship about it thank you

Hmm- I think with Ps/PIL's it's easy to pass it off as a generational thing without getting into a direct conflict with them over it.

i.e. if your grandpa passes comment on what he sees as a woman's role, rather than saying "Grandpa is an ignorant cretin" you can say "Grandpa is old and has some funny old fashioned views".

I think so long as you and DH are on the same page, and that your DD sees you living out that example, then all will be good.

Cant really help with SIL- sorry.

tabouleh I brought The Equality Illusion this weekend,and i've started reading it myself. It's a very interesting read, thank you for reconmending it.