Feeling hopeless at 42 after bereavement, breakup and possible perimenopause

[Luly1984]

I've recently turned 42 and feeling very lost and alone.
I have a wonderful 15 year old daughter and a dog, but aside from that I don't really have anyone else.
Recently, my relationship of 5 years ended completely out of the blue, he utterly devastated me and broke my heart in February. As well as that, almost exactly a year ago my ex husband (father of my daughter) passed away from cancer which was very traumatic for everyone.
I have a job I don't really like, I don't own my home (long term renter), no real friends and I don't speak to my family much.
I feel so hopeless about the future. I'd love to just up and move away somewhere else but I need to wait for my daughter to turn 18 and head off to Uni. Honestly don't know what to do with myself any more.
I do everything right- I don't drink at all, I don't smoke, I eat plant based, I'm a distance runner, I go to the gym, I sleep 8 hours etc. I just feel so flat and unenthusiastic about life. I'm aware I'm probably perimenopausal at my age but I could cry at any given moment.
Not really sure why I'm posting this, I guess I'm just soul-crushingly tired of feeling this way and wanted to see if anyone else has/what helped them xx

Hi Luly1984

Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a lot lately; that sounds painfully hard. Losing your husband, then the sudden end of a long relationship, and carrying so much on your own with a teenage daughter would leave anyone exhausted. What you are feeling is emptiness.
You’re already doing many healthy things, and that shows real strength.

Have you considered speaking to a therapist or seeing your GP? Maybe they can offer advice about hormones, or suggest a support group or social club. If you love running, maybe try a running group to make new friends.

I started perimenopause in my 40s and I’m still peri in my 50s. I’ve joined a community club and taken classes.

You are still young — younger than me. Don’t lose hope. I tell myself there is hope. Have hope and faith.

I wondered — is there a perimenopause group here?

All the best, you aren't alone. xx

Life coaching might help you

OP, I have been where you are. I don't know if I have any solutions, but what I would say is that feeling flat is an entirely normal response to all that has happened to you, the end of what you must have hoped would be a long relationship, the death of your daughter's dad, and now being a single (lone) parent, which is a hard road to tread. It is completely understandable you aren't bounding around right now feeling great.

I suspect there isn't a quick fix, as in a supplement you can take, or a social event you can attend, but bit by bit, you will keep going through this stage til you start to see a future again. I think the hardest thing when you are in this situation is to lose that future you think about, and it's that loss which is why everything seems so empty. Be very kind to yourself, keep going with the exercise and activities, and dig in to spending time with your daughter just in a consistent way, she won't be around nearly so much in a few years so I bet this time will bond you a lot, although teenagers are hard, it will set your connection up for the future. Your dog will get you out and about. Over time, you'll find some new things to do, more freedom as she gets older to leave at homoe on her own, start making plans, perhaps change the house you are in right now a little whilst you are waiting to move away, and eventually get yourself back on your feet.

It's too soon to give you advice on dating, but there's some great threads on that if and when you are interested, or if you are not, then there's a lot of peace to be had with your daughter and your dog.

I'm sorry I don't have any fixes for this, but you will keep going during this time, do the things that you do that make you feel better, and find a path through.

With all due respect, if you honestly think that moving would improve your quality life, with better pay or the same pay but a better cost of living, then you should do it. I know your DD is 15, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s REALLY common for parents to need to move for all kinds of reasons, even in the finally year of secondary, and she’s younger than that.

What struck me about what you put is ‘I do everything right.’ This sort of self judgement may be hindering you. Also juxtaposed with saying that you have no friends. For me friendship is one of the most valuable things in my life, and for me engaging with friends is ‘doing things right.’ But we are all different. Maybe what you think of as doing things right is limiting you.

Moving may just transfer your issues to a new place and your daughter is at a crucial stage in her education, so don’t disrupt this, now.

its ok and frankly normal to feel flat at different parts of your life. Seek out challenges outside what you are doing. Look for friendship, connections ( this could be to culture, art, music) try new things and don’t pre-judge. Good luck.

Like a pp, I am interested in your choice of words about "doing everything right" followed by a list of worthy but not very exciting attributes. What I mean is - those would be the "right" things to be doing if you were worried about your physical health. But given that your post is about wanting to find the joy in life, maybe you need to think about things to add to that list that may bring you joy. What are you interested in? What makes you tick? Can you think of ways to spend more time doing things that you love or that you are curious about?

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so flat.

In your position I would pick a couple of things out of your op which you want to change, and work on those. These are all things which are in your power to fix.

If you would like more social contact, have a really good think about the people who are already in your life. If you have siblings/cousins/distant relatives/old school friends start making an effort to see them a couple of times a year. Invite them to yours for a bbq or travel to them for a weekend. Look at your acquaintances and, starting small, invite them to some social stuff - eg a coffee after the gym. Most people like to be asked. Challenge yourself to join a social group and speak to people.

If you want to own a property work out what mortgage you could get on a small doer-upper property and therefore what deposit you would need. Work out how you would save enough for the deposit and then take the steps necessary - go for a promotion, take on a weekend job, cut back on spending etc.” Spend some time on YouTube (or join an evening class) and learn the skills needed to upgrade the property you buy.