Older Mumsnetters: Is it all downhill from here?

[IsItAllDownhill]

NC for this, and wasn’t sure where to post it – I’ve gone for Relationships.

DH and I are so compatible that we’ve spent years living in fairly isolated places, without any social life, because we’re just happy in each other’s company. There’s a big age gap, and I’m the older one. It’s never bothered him - he never wanted kids, and isn’t remotely fussed about how I look as I age.

I’ve inherited good genes - my family tend to live into their 90s - whereas he hasn’t, so there is no guarantee that I’ll conveniently die first.

Looking after DM as she approached death has worried me. It’s not just that she became so frail: her thinking grew rigid and slow. DF died with mild dementia. (All of this happened fairly recently, so I’m aware that my current mindset is probably coloured by it.)

Setting aside the general risk of dementia, I just don’t want DH to end up with someone who’s obsessed with routines and negative about everything. Over the past decade (I’m in my mid-60s), I can already feel my tolerance for the world diminishing. What if I gradually find it more and more difficult to welcome new experiences and adapt to change? Am I well on my way to becoming a miserable old fucker? Is that inevitable, or does it have more to do with living a narrow life?

Obviously no one ever knows what the future holds, but I’m curious to know whether older women notice their personality changing as the years advance. Within reason, if I do my best to remain active (physically and mentally), can I hope to stay recognisably me, if that makes sense?

DH doesn’t see the issue, but has not been so closely involved in elderly parent care. I’d really appreciate hearing from older Mumsnetters who still enjoy life and feel like themselves.

I hope you don't mind a short comment from a man, who is also involved with very elderly relatives, and considering the future himself.

Just to say: you seem remarkably self-aware, which can only be a good thing. There are no guarantees, but you do seem to have the best possible attitude. And people with good health can have remarkably fulfilling lives in their 60s, 70s and 80s. I read an excellent article not so long ago written by a centenarian woman, and she spoke about her 70s and 80s as if they were a kind of youth. It was inspiring.

It's fine to be annoyed with the world. Enjoy your good health, and fuck 'em!

Do you think that perhaps living in isolated areas with little social life may be a factor in making you (and probably your DH) less tolerant of the world? I wonder if living in your own little bubble leads to not adapting to change?

I lost both my parents in their mid-60's to cancer. For a few years after that I worried that I would be the same. However, I then realised that other relatives (grandparents etc.) have lived into their 90's.

I am now under 10 years off the ages my parents died. I don't think about it. Lost my best friend at 50 a few years ago.

Just enjoy life, keep reading, walking, enjoying the things you enjoy.

Ha! That has crossed my mind. Actually we recently moved to a more "normal" environment (got fed up with managing land). And hark at me, I took up a pottery class the other night!!!!!!!! 🤣

I think to some extent I've always lived in a little bubble, and so has he, which is why it was such a surprise to meet each other and recognise a fellow spirit. I don't think we'd otherwise have overlooked the age gap.

We're cheerful though, and full of life in our lovely bubble. That's what I'm worried about changing over time, if I turn crabby and miserable.

Good health permitting you can carry on into your 80s with whatever lifestyle to want, you will become less adventurous and slower, do whatever you are comfortable with. Take exercise keep active, socialize as much as you can, if you dont isolation will increase

Some people get more insular. You have to work at it to be more social, tolerant and curious.

We're constantly discovering new music, films, books, etc so are not set in our ways in that sense, and are both pretty active, but I'm not sure either of us is inclined to be more sociable. Other people can be exhausting when we're used to not having to tolerate any nonsense from each other. I just don't want him to have to start tolerating me if I become insufferable, and what worries me now is not knowing how much that might be age related. Physical decline we can deal with, but if my whole outlook changed that's another matter and I'd hate to be a burden.

Do you mind me asking how big the age gap is?

I know this is relevant... 23 years 😖🫣😞 I feel almost apologetic saying this as I know it's ridiculous, but it's not our fault we align so well.

DM was in her early 20s when she had me, hence these thoughts creeping in when I was looking after her.

Have asked MN to move this from Relationships to Women's health... but can't edit my opening post 😀

I’m 37 and work in disability benefits. I have absolutely no tolerance for life already and have acquired intense health anxiety.

It’s a good question. I’m in my mid sixties, and I’m definitely intolerant of stuff now that I wouldn’t have noticed before. And I’m less sociable. But, I am also very happy. I enjoy what I do, I do much less, and that’s really fine by me. It could be that I look isolated and boring from the outside… but actually my quality of life feels very high to me.

I honestly think that living in the future gets you nowhere. I’m a planner, and I talk to dp about stuff, but if things change, we’ll just change the plans.

What I take from your post is that you are happy NOW, that your relationship is great and sustaining. Millions of people would give a lot for that.

Looking after an elderly parent should help make decisions but it’s so hard - don’t let the misery of caring (sorry, I know some people find it inspiring - let’s say the miserable parts of caring) ruin what you have now.

Have conversations with your P about how things look and could look in the future. What’s your views on carers? What funds do you have? Do you have the legal stuff in place - power of attorney, wills?

Then let what you have now be. I have many older female relatives and although it’s complicated, so many of them have remained fully with it and a pleasure to know. Stoic, practical, still able to have a giggle.

DH and I are close in age I’m just 2 years older. I’m very sociable, he isn’t anti social, there is a big difference but he is perfectly happy alone and being in his own head.

He is probably very like you two, he said to DS your Mother is enough for me. It kind of worries me. I am very sociable.

DH looked after his Mother for close to 2 months over 2 visits last year, she had cancer with an op and radiotherapy. It inspired us to clear out the loft and have a massive declutter, her house is crammed.

No one wants to be a burden, my Mother lived till she was 94. This is where I disagree with modern medicine. She should have been allowed to die at about 89, her quality of life was crap after that. She did ask me when she was still totally compos mentis that if it came to it and she was not quite right as she put it then could I help her die. Well obviously I didn’t.

Your concerns are valid but don’t let them dominate your Autumn years.

Thank you for this, yes I know it's a bit pointless worrying so much about how I might end up. I wish I could stop it playing on my mind... I suppose I have been completely enmeshed in rather depressing elderly care for a long time.

DH doesn't really engage with conversations about how things could look in the future. He says he knows what he signed up for. Re carers, he just says we'll cross that bridge when we come to it ("Hey, you have to grow old first! Don't overthink!" 🤣). He enjoys looking after me generally (e.g. does all the cooking, will never let me carry anything!), so I suppose I'd have to be biting him every 5 minutes for him to consider handing over care to someone else. Also, who knows, I might end up being his carer one day.

What really helps me is knowing that your older female relatives are still a pleasure to know. The question that bothers me is whether we all inevitably stop being much fun to be around after a certain age. I just hope that isn't the case.

I’ve had this conversation with several friends with elderly parents. To be fair all the elderly people who have been difficult, awkward and negative have always been like that it’s just very magnified in old age. Plus their worlds are very small (often of their own making) so it all directed at a few people. My mother has a very ‘can’t do attitude’ and I strive to have the exact opposite and have taught my children the same.

I think the big thing here is self awareness. I have been very aware of the issues with my mother’s behaviour through most of my life and have ensured I am nothing like her. I hope that that self awareness will mean I will continue into old age with a positive attitude taking up all opportunities that present themselves.

Thank you, I hope you are right about self-awareness being the trump card. Time will tell, eh?! 🌞

I think it is about self-awareness and making a conscious effort not to be like that. of course nobody can be fully protected from dementia but I think you can prepare as best you can.

DH and I are very self sufficient, we don’t have friends, but have very good kids. I looked after 3 very nasty people in their old age. They were nasty when they were younger so dementia just made them worse.

We have been open with the children, they are fully aware of our financial situation and that we have no intention of expecting care from them.

We are approaching 80 and try to keep fit and our minds active. For me the hardest thing will be if he goes first as he has taken on more of our home management than me. My plan if he does go first is to move into a complex with care staff.

@Rictasmorticia Your name sounds rather ominous, but thank you for the encouragement!

I suppose what worries me is that both my parents, DM in particular, had a naturally buoyant approach to life, but that was considerably dulled as they got older. I suppose limited movement played its part in this - I am determined to preserve functional fitness as best I can, with weights / yoga / running etc. Not in any delusional attempt to turn the clock back and be a beach stunner, but because I feel as though I need to get into training for old age! Now is the time for me to put habits in place that I hope will benefit me in 10 or 20 years' time, assuming I get that far in life.

I think there are lots of advantages to growing old in this day and age compared to our parents. One is that we had jobs, this gave us more financial freedom than our mothers. We also dont expect anyone else to look after us. Previous generations automatically expected daughters to step in to the caring role.

The internet is so valuable to us. Both DH and I are on our IPads a lot of the day. Reading, learning, playing educational games scrolling through Mumsnet in my case and following the football in his.

I know people my age who have stagnated. They ‘don’t like’ computers, won’t take advantage of local amenities and are generally miserable as old age approaches. Others well into their 90s are active enjoying life.

You seem to be doing the right thing by preparing.

That's a good point. Although DH and I don't go out much, we both have plenty of interests via the internet.

Including work... I'm not sure about retirement. My pension age is fast approaching, but I'm lucky enough to have WFH for many years doing a mentally demanding job that I quite enjoy. It's not exhausting like an office job, because I only deal with lovely people by email. I'm thinking it might be sensible to keep going and perhaps just dial it back a bit, by way of keeping myself mentally active.

Staying fit and healthy is important, but so is social contact. It’s thought that social isolation can be one of the factors in the development of dementia. It’s great that you’ve joined the pottery class, perhaps do some more group activities.

😫

Oh dear!

DH is such fun that I don't feel the absence of social contact. If anything happens to him, I promise to go out more into the big bad world 😱

Or, on second thoughts, I might not. Without him around, it doesn't really matter if I deteriorate into a batty old battleaxe. Maybe I'll just do that!!!!!!!!

@IsItAllDownhill. You make a really positive statement when you say you are getting into training for old age. I think that doing so will be extremely beneficial.

I’m a similar age to you, I’m 70, and have adopted a similar mindset. I do all I can to keep myself physically fit and engaged with life. That’s really all anyone can do as they age. You’re self-aware and that counts for a lot. Keep doing what you’re doing!