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Original poster

Dealing with an empty nest

29 replies

HellieWelly · 30/07/2025 21:37

I’m naturally an anxious person, but in the main, I’m able to keep my anxiety under control. I’m married with one son who is 25. He moved away from home last year and bought his own flat. He has a good job and my husband and I are proud of him. He’s mildly dyslexic and despite that, has obtained both a degree and Masters degree, so he’s doing well.

However, I suffer an almost crippling anxiety about his wellbeing on an almost daily basis now that he no longer lives at home. The way this has most recently manifested itself is that I haven’t heard from him all day (and by ‘heard’ it could be something really trivial such as perhaps he’s liked a message, or similar) then I get so anxious that I have an overwhelming urge to phone him. My husband jokes that I’m after some ‘proof of life’ and he’s right, of course, in a basic way. I try to reason my way out of doing so but in the end I almost always end up phoning him just to say hello and make sure he’s alright. It’s overwhelming and I can’t seem to stop worrying. If he doesn’t answer, I catastrophise and phone again a bit later. Afterwards I feel absolutely awful. I know that it was ridiculous to be panicky and I loathe myself for giving in to the urge to call.

I know I need to speak to someone about this. I know it risks ruining my relationship with my son if I don’t. But I do not know where to start. I’ve been to see my GP who sent me packing with the words ‘oh you are just an anxious person’. I am an anxious person, I accept that, but in this specific aspect I feel it is beyond acceptable and I need some strategies to sort myself out. I am a reasonably well paid professional so I can pay for advice, but I don’t really know where to look for it, or what to look for.

OP posts:
Imsixtyandiknowit · 30/07/2025 21:46

Would he be amenable to using the Bereal app? We actually call it the proof of life app here as you get a random photo each day.....

JudyP · 30/07/2025 21:49

Did you not get used to this when he was at uni? My first is 21 and left at 18 for uni and second is leaving for uni very soon! I’m lucky that both our boys allow me to see their locations through an app and then I could check where the oldest was through the day at uni and I found I got more used to it as the years went on, and I would check less and less. I will probably do some checking up on the younger one when he first goes to uni but I know that I will calm down as time goes on. By 25 I wouldn’t have wanted my mum checking on me constantly but your son might allow location sharing with you to alleviate your anxiety? You could always ask him?

Original poster
HellieWelly · 30/07/2025 22:00

JudyP · 30/07/2025 21:49

Did you not get used to this when he was at uni? My first is 21 and left at 18 for uni and second is leaving for uni very soon! I’m lucky that both our boys allow me to see their locations through an app and then I could check where the oldest was through the day at uni and I found I got more used to it as the years went on, and I would check less and less. I will probably do some checking up on the younger one when he first goes to uni but I know that I will calm down as time goes on. By 25 I wouldn’t have wanted my mum checking on me constantly but your son might allow location sharing with you to alleviate your anxiety? You could always ask him?

It’s strange, but I didn’t really have the same level of anxiety when he was at uni and as you have rightly identified, he used to share his location with me then. That’s probably why! I’m not keen to do that now because I don’t want him to think that I’m tracking him all the time. As you say, he won’t want me constantly checking on him. It’s definitely my problem and I’m keen not to make it his, if you see what I mean!

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 30/07/2025 22:01

Imsixtyandiknowit · 30/07/2025 21:46

Would he be amenable to using the Bereal app? We actually call it the proof of life app here as you get a random photo each day.....

I’ll have a look a this but I don’t want him to think that I’m tracking him all the time and constantly checking on his location. It’s definitely my problem and I’m keen not to make it his.

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Original poster
HellieWelly · 30/07/2025 23:01

Imsixtyandiknowit · 30/07/2025 21:46

Would he be amenable to using the Bereal app? We actually call it the proof of life app here as you get a random photo each day.....

Apologies! I have just realised that I know this app. For some reason. I read it as ‘Beryl’ (it’s been a long day)! I’ll definitely ask my son if he wants to do this with me, it was fun when he was at uni…

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JudyP · 31/07/2025 02:23

Totally get that you don’t want to pass your anxiety onto your son and that is a good way to think about it - have you considered therapy to help with your anxiety as this will be a long term thing - my mum worries all the time and passed it onto me and I’m doing my best not to pass it onto my sons - we don’t discuss that I check their locations at all and I imagine when they pay for their own phones this location sharing will come to an end but I’m definitely better now and only worry if they are driving a long way (for example)

Britneyfan · 31/07/2025 02:29

I love the idea of the BeReal app as a “proof of life” app lol, am going to suggest it to my son who is hopefully going off to uni in the autumn.

I do genuinely think that it’s not the end of the world if calling your son or asking him to do something like this or even location sharing helps you if he’s not bothered by it. I still speak to my mum most days just for the chat! And my entire family including my parents, siblings and even my sister in law do location sharing, though none of us look at it much in reality unless we are trying to meet up etc. Except for my mother who does like to stalk us out of curiosity and I think boredom since she retired 🤣🤣 She’s not in the least anxious, just nosy haha but we all find it useful at times and would want each other to be able to check in an emergency.

But I would also suggest seeing a counsellor about anxiety for some techniques to help you.

Pinkissmart · 31/07/2025 02:31

Don't mess around with BeReal or any other apps. That won't help- it just means you can stalk him more.
Get real help for your anxiety. Go on the BACP or the BPS websites and find help to get to the source of this.

Best of luck

verycloakanddaggers · 31/07/2025 06:14

Surprised so many of the replies suggest you lean into your anxiety!

The answer is not to get location sharing or any other app, it's to address the anxiety.

Your GP sounds unhelpful, see another about the same issue. Look at therapy to investigate the emotional causes for you. Consider whether hormonal changes are contributing (menopause).

@HellieWelly your first instinct is right - you need help to address this.

Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 07:10

verycloakanddaggers · 31/07/2025 06:14

Surprised so many of the replies suggest you lean into your anxiety!

The answer is not to get location sharing or any other app, it's to address the anxiety.

Your GP sounds unhelpful, see another about the same issue. Look at therapy to investigate the emotional causes for you. Consider whether hormonal changes are contributing (menopause).

@HellieWelly your first instinct is right - you need help to address this.

Thank you.

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Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 07:11

Pinkissmart · 31/07/2025 02:31

Don't mess around with BeReal or any other apps. That won't help- it just means you can stalk him more.
Get real help for your anxiety. Go on the BACP or the BPS websites and find help to get to the source of this.

Best of luck

Thank you, I will look up the site.

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 07:15

Britneyfan · 31/07/2025 02:29

I love the idea of the BeReal app as a “proof of life” app lol, am going to suggest it to my son who is hopefully going off to uni in the autumn.

I do genuinely think that it’s not the end of the world if calling your son or asking him to do something like this or even location sharing helps you if he’s not bothered by it. I still speak to my mum most days just for the chat! And my entire family including my parents, siblings and even my sister in law do location sharing, though none of us look at it much in reality unless we are trying to meet up etc. Except for my mother who does like to stalk us out of curiosity and I think boredom since she retired 🤣🤣 She’s not in the least anxious, just nosy haha but we all find it useful at times and would want each other to be able to check in an emergency.

But I would also suggest seeing a counsellor about anxiety for some techniques to help you.

Edited

Thank you. I think that speaking every day is fine, too. And he often calls daily for a quick chat which is lovely. But my overreaction if I don’t hear from him is getting out of hand, so I do need to address that. Be real is a fun idea when they are think though!

OP posts:
SamBeckettslastleap · 31/07/2025 07:20

My mum is like this and it has, unfortunately, damaged our relationship, it is suffocating. But she won't accept what she is doing which is different (if I don't answer I can have fifty calls and messages)

Are you menopausal? Anxiety increase with menopause is really common, are you on medication?

My friend developed anxiety about driving, which was linked to the menopause - medication and talking helped.

Your GP needs to doore, see another if possible and good luck.

CarlaLemarchant · 31/07/2025 07:22

I agree with those who say not to use apps and tracking and I admire you for not wanting to make it his problem.

However, he is a fully grown intelligent adult who is presumably close to his mum, could you have an open conversation with him, explain your struggles and that you are attempting to get a hold on it and maybe get him to work with you, for example agreeing to check in (v quick message) every evening to start with then every other day and so on. For your part, you’ll agree to not call him outside of these time frames…and cope! There will be obvious exceptions to it such as sometimes you will both want a chat or their maybe a genuine need to message for an actual reason.

My point being, it’s a MH issue and I would want to support my mum if she was genuinely trying to address it.

Nannyfannybanny · 31/07/2025 07:23

Do some research locally,find a therapist,my. DH saw a hypnotherapist,he comes from Sarf London and reckoned all that stuff is a load of "bolox". Till it wasn't. Please get help,it will only get worse. Don't stalk, and watch him on apps, when he's in a dead spot or phone battery runs out,you will spiral! I have a friend doing this to her now 40 year old son, I am waiting for the you know what to hit the fan!

PersephoneParlormaid · 31/07/2025 07:24

Do you work? You need to distract yourself from this. Also consider peri menopause as it makes anxiety worse.

carkerpartridge · 31/07/2025 08:04

Your GP was not at all helpful in dismissing you as just an anxious person. You can see for yourself how difficult it is making things for you which is a good starting point...at least you are not in denial! I think some sort of therapy would be helpful. I would recommend talking therapies which has helped me with similar issues. It helps to understand your worries, anxiety, negative thoughts etc and to learn how to have a more balanced and rational approach. You do need a referral from a GP though so you will need to go back...maybe there is a different GP at your surgery who you could see.
Your DS sounds like a lovely, caring young man but it could become overwhelming for him if he feels a sense of obligation to contact you daily. Maybe he is happy to do so but it would probably be healthier in the long run if he knew that you would be absolutely fine if he didn't call. You don't want to make him feel that he is the cause of your anxiety.

Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 12:24

SamBeckettslastleap · 31/07/2025 07:20

My mum is like this and it has, unfortunately, damaged our relationship, it is suffocating. But she won't accept what she is doing which is different (if I don't answer I can have fifty calls and messages)

Are you menopausal? Anxiety increase with menopause is really common, are you on medication?

My friend developed anxiety about driving, which was linked to the menopause - medication and talking helped.

Your GP needs to doore, see another if possible and good luck.

I am menopausal 😂 I’m on hormone patches. Maybe I need to up the dose!

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 12:26

PersephoneParlormaid · 31/07/2025 07:24

Do you work? You need to distract yourself from this. Also consider peri menopause as it makes anxiety worse.

I work in a senior professional role. I have plenty to distract me on a day to day basis. I’m on HRT but a very low does. I think first stop may be a discussion about increasing the dose.

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 12:27

Nannyfannybanny · 31/07/2025 07:23

Do some research locally,find a therapist,my. DH saw a hypnotherapist,he comes from Sarf London and reckoned all that stuff is a load of "bolox". Till it wasn't. Please get help,it will only get worse. Don't stalk, and watch him on apps, when he's in a dead spot or phone battery runs out,you will spiral! I have a friend doing this to her now 40 year old son, I am waiting for the you know what to hit the fan!

Absolutely spot on. I’m very keen not to up the surveillance, so to speak!

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 12:28

carkerpartridge · 31/07/2025 08:04

Your GP was not at all helpful in dismissing you as just an anxious person. You can see for yourself how difficult it is making things for you which is a good starting point...at least you are not in denial! I think some sort of therapy would be helpful. I would recommend talking therapies which has helped me with similar issues. It helps to understand your worries, anxiety, negative thoughts etc and to learn how to have a more balanced and rational approach. You do need a referral from a GP though so you will need to go back...maybe there is a different GP at your surgery who you could see.
Your DS sounds like a lovely, caring young man but it could become overwhelming for him if he feels a sense of obligation to contact you daily. Maybe he is happy to do so but it would probably be healthier in the long run if he knew that you would be absolutely fine if he didn't call. You don't want to make him feel that he is the cause of your anxiety.

Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 12:29

CarlaLemarchant · 31/07/2025 07:22

I agree with those who say not to use apps and tracking and I admire you for not wanting to make it his problem.

However, he is a fully grown intelligent adult who is presumably close to his mum, could you have an open conversation with him, explain your struggles and that you are attempting to get a hold on it and maybe get him to work with you, for example agreeing to check in (v quick message) every evening to start with then every other day and so on. For your part, you’ll agree to not call him outside of these time frames…and cope! There will be obvious exceptions to it such as sometimes you will both want a chat or their maybe a genuine need to message for an actual reason.

My point being, it’s a MH issue and I would want to support my mum if she was genuinely trying to address it.

This is such lovely advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
HellieWelly · 31/07/2025 21:45

SamBeckettslastleap · 31/07/2025 07:20

My mum is like this and it has, unfortunately, damaged our relationship, it is suffocating. But she won't accept what she is doing which is different (if I don't answer I can have fifty calls and messages)

Are you menopausal? Anxiety increase with menopause is really common, are you on medication?

My friend developed anxiety about driving, which was linked to the menopause - medication and talking helped.

Your GP needs to doore, see another if possible and good luck.

I didn’t respond fully to you earlier but thank you for sharing your experience. I can see that if I do not address this now, that’s what will happen and I’m determined to avoid damaging our relationship.

OP posts:
SamBeckettslastleap · 31/07/2025 22:38

I think the way you have responded on this thread speaks volumes for how you are going to be able to tackle this.

I strongly suspect this is all menopausal, possibly up your dose or anti depressants can work alongside.

Seems simplistic, but there is sense in the idiom 'don't borrow trouble' I tell myself this whenever I start to spiral .

Original poster
HellieWelly · 01/08/2025 15:29

Thank you everyone for your replies. What a lovely group of Mumsnetters you are!

I’ve got a plan of action now. First I’m going to speak to my GP about my HRT and discuss increasing the dose. Thanks to @verycloakanddaggers @SamBeckettslastleap and @PersephoneParlormaid for reminding me that menopause has a lot to answer for. I genuinely hadn’t made the connection for some reason.

Then I’m going to speak to my son, apologise (I owe him one for appearing to be a mad mother recently) and assure him that I’m making efforts to sort this out. Thank you in particular to @carkerpartridge and @CarlaLemarchant for suggesting this and whose kind words made me cry.

Then I’ll try some CBT or talking therapy. Thanks for those of you who made suggestions, and who knows, @Nannyfannybanny I may even try hypnosis!

OP posts: