Genital herpes - how do I tell a potential new partner?

[Rocketman4980]

I had my first outbreak of GH in 2019 after being celibate for around five years. My last boyfriend didn't have it, or if he did he didn't tell me, so I don't know how I caught it. The relationship ended badly and we haven't been in touch since.

I've never had a formal diagnosis because the outbreaks are manageable and becoming less frequent and also because I thought my days of wanting sex were well and truly over. But never say never. I recently met someone on holiday who I fancy the pants off and, so it turns out, feels the same way. Nothing happened, not even kissing, but we stayed in touch and he wants me to go stay with him for a week or two abroad, where he lives.

My fear is that if he rejects me because I tell him I have GH (and let's face it, he probably will) it will send me spiralling. Due to various mental health problems caused by severe childhood emotional abuse I don't take rejection very well, nor have I had a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of years, despite lots of nice men being interested when I was younger. I'm now in my late 50s and not sure I can live much longer in self-imposed limbo now that something has been awakened.

I obviously have no idea if anything will develop down the line (or even if either of us wants it to at this stage) and have considered making some excuse not to go but if I reject him out of hand I'll never know. And if I do take the plunge, do I tell him over the phone beforehand or face to face when I get there - and risk being turfed out back to the airport? He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do that but I don't know him and people can do horrible things.

I haven't told anyone I have GH, not even close friends.

Would love your advice.

I would let him know in advance, don’t travel there and then tell him as it may be an awkward situation if it does change things.

Yes I think you're right.

I had to do similar.
During one of our phone calls I simply said, there is something I want to tell you, and it's entirely up to you how you want to proceed. I have xxxx.
And then gave some basics.

He was brilliant. Told me it didn't change how he felt but did go and get the vaccine. He said I just gave him the prompt he needed to go and get it done.

Hoping yours is just as lovely.

You can get a vaccine against GH?

No, there’s no herpes vaccine. Maybe she means HPV vaccine? I’m a sexual health worker and we treat as an outbreak or prescribe suppression.

Genital herpes is HSV, herpes simplex. No vaccine, AFAIK. There are a number of strain, but it's usually HSV1 or HSV2. HSV1 is usually the one causing cold sores on the face.

HPV, human papilloma virus has around 200 strains. The vaccine works against some of the ones most likely to cause cervical cancer, but the various strains can also cause warts of various types.

Neither HSV or HPV is much of a problem unless you have an active outbreak, but it's best to be open about them. They can lie dormant for years, so it can be difficult to know when you picked it up, and when it's dormant, you'll be fine.