After a year and a half waiting I finally got to see a gynaecologist yesterday and they did a scan to update on a previous one from Jan 2024 that showed up two tiny fibroids; one submucosal, which has been giving me godawful bleeding and clots since 23rd December 2023.
After yesterday's scan, which showed a "pretty cystic" endometrial lining, according to the gynae, I've been prescribed a progesterone-only Pill and put in the queue for a hysteroscopy where they'll hopefully remove the submucosal fibroid and/or any polyps that pop up on the camera feed. They'll also take a biopsy and insert a Mirena coil.
My long term relationship didn't make it through fertility treatments and my subsequent relationship of 6 years ended about a month ago due - among other things - to lack of sex for the last year and a bit, and his not really understanding why I wasn't feeling up to it.
Even though I'm turning 42 shortly and still no child after all this and more, I still rolled on, on teeny, battered and squealing wheels of hope that maybe I'd be one of those women...
But the gynae is putting me on medication that takes that false hope away. And then when they do the op, she says, they're going to destroy the lining of my womb and make me truly, definitively barren.
I'm numb. I can't afford to go private. I'm single anyway and whatever delusions I used to keep myself going before won't work anymore. Fuck it. Fuck life.
And now I have to show the Happy for a friend who became a grandmother for the first time today and will share every. single. moment. of that child's development and his mother's alongside him. I AM happy but, selfishly, I'm desperately, desperately sad for myself.