I just don’t want to be fat anymore.

[2fat]

Hi Everyone,

I’m a 39 yo mother of 2 year old. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’m 5’ 9

I was an overweight, but not obese child, but I remember always feeling bigger than everyone and my legs swelling sometimes. Looking back now, it was the beginning of lipeodema, which had only gotten worse.
For my whole life, I’ve had this tiny waist torso, and a massive fat arse, legs and arms, which has been the subject of many many jokes made at my expense, but family, friends and strangers.

Life at home was traumatic to say the least, but I had to work to support the family from a young age while going to school. This left me with unhealthy habits. I became an obese teenager - 17 stone. Stayed obese in uni - 20 stone.

In my mid-20s I moved away and reinvented. I lost the weight - 8 stone with a low carb diet. I was still a size 14, but if I’m honest - it felt obsessive and eating disorder-y. I would not go out and have dinner or a drink because I know I’d be tempted. My weight yo-yo’ed because I could never find a balance.
The low carb would curb my appetite. As soon as I broke it, I’d get RAVENOUS and put on a 1.5 stone in a month. Then I’d go back to the same cycle of losing and gaining.

I stayed around 13 stone for about 10 years. I know for some people 13 stone sounds obese, but it actually looked fine on me despite it being in the overweight BMI.

In the last six years then various things hit me at once, including pandemic times and an hypothyroid diagnosis, and I had a health baby. but I’m 20 stone again. And I just can’t find the will in the world to lose it. I’m exhausted constantly.

I’ll add that I can be quite active, and am quite capable, but am generally sedentary.

I hate myself. So much. I can’t even look in the mirror. I make excuses not to go out or go into the office or family meetings. I hate myself so deeply.

Im terrified of the poor example I’ll set for my toddler. I don’t want to let them down. Or for them to feel ashamed of their massive mum.

I tried ozempic - got up to final dose - still had a ravenous appetite. Tried Wegovy, tried Monjaro - they literally don’t work for me.

Tried all the pills and diets before that. CBT, hypnosis, you name it, I’ve done it. Still in therapy now. I’ve tried it all accept for bariatric surgery, which I can’t consider as I’m a parent to a small child. I just can’t find the ease and balance that comes so easy to others - I feel so envious of people genetics and sad.

A life of eating chicken fillets, eggs and protein shakes just makes me want to scream into the void.

How do I get my mind there again?

have you considered weight loss injections. They are not for everyone and they cost up to £200 a month.
but they are effective.
I have them and also have a health coach who has been an enormous help with advice on exercise, healthy eating and lifestyle changes
I have lost 5 stone in total and it has changed my life.
I too tried every diet imaginable over the years so I do understand where you are coming from

She said she tried them!

You need to do this for yourself - one day at a time.

Was the dose right for you? I know a lot of people have had success, so it’s odd that you didn’t. Did you discuss it with your doctor?

@uggmum Congratulations on that loss! You must feel fantastic - good on you.
The injections work for about 3 days after use them, and then I have 4 days back to my hunger. So it ends up being ineffectual for me. I didn’t get up to the top dose with Monjaro, so perhaps I should give it a go again. Thanks for your comment.

Read into inositol, it is a natural occurring vitamin and can be used as a supplement mostly in women with pcos. The never feeling full and ravenous feeling you describe may be linked with insulin resistance which inositol helps with. It has really lowered my “food noise”

@Silvertulips I didn’t discuss with the doctor at all. I got them all privately and just became frustrated with the lack of progress. You do make a good point. I should chat to them.

I didn’t make it up to the full dose of Monjaro but did with the others.

I do need to do this for myself - I just can’t find that spark in my chest - I don’t jnow how else to put it. Thanks for your message.

Thanks, I will look into this.

I have seen a lot of people I know recently have great success with calorie deficit eating. I’m trying it myself but struggling a lot as I have pretty disordered eating habits too. I hate how I look and constantly promise myself I’ll change but the second I feel hungry I lose all willpower and just binge. Rinse repeat.

If you can manage it, I do think a calorie deficit is a sustainable way to lose weight. It doesn’t mean you have to cut out everything either, nothing is off limits providing you work it into your daily calories.

Ah girl, I could write your post except Mounjaro semi works for me until the last week and my mind comes back to sabotage any progress I’ve made.

I’m 5’2, 90kg with two kids and I can’t move from that weight. Like you, I find life of always limiting my food, never eating what I enjoy, having to eat food I hate. It’s soul destroying.

People don’t understand when they recommend ‘just eat less and move more’ how much it takes. Will power isn’t enough sometimes.

Bit random but do you or do think you may have ADHD?

I definitely think it’s worth seeing your GP and asking for a new set of bloods, including diabetes testing.

When you tried the WLIs previously did you change your diet at all? I’ve had great success with Mounjaro but started taking it because of diabetes, so also massively reduced carb intake and increased protein. I’m convinced that Mounjaro works better if you are not eating many carbs. It is designed to increase your insulin production and make you more sensitive to the insulin you do produce. If you then help that process by not introducing loads of sugar it prevents the spikes that cause you to feel hungry. Add in the slower digestion as a result of the WLI, and increase protein to keep you feeling full and to retain muscle.

Many hugs

Have you been formally diagnosed with lipoedema ? Do you get any treatment for it?

When I’ve read my medical notes in 2000 there was an untreated stress fracture picked up which explains the swelling in my left lower leg/foot, struggle to wear nice shoes, whenever people see it they freak out and come out with diabetic feet but it isn’t. No amount of weight loss has improved it unfortunately so don’t beat yourself.

Did you actually read the OPs post? She already said she's tried them and they didn't work for her

@2fat Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry I missed that in your original post. I found the lower doses challenging. But perhaps the higher doses might work for you. Especially mounjaro. I think there is a new drug that is coming out soon that is reported to be more effective. I have found having a health coach to be the most useful tool. His advice has really helped me.
you really have tried and I completely understand your battle and frustration.
There are also a lot of effective tools for lipedema. Lymphatic massage and dry brushing. So it might be worth looking into that too.

@2fat I could see the majority of me in your OP.

May I ask what sort of therapy you are having?

I say this with so much kindness - you will not change things overnight, and you know that. Living day to day with positivity is your biggest challenge - you must love yourself first. This is the only thing that has shifted my mindset. I'm not sure how long it will last (I'm a yo-yoer), but I have given myself grace to feel the feelings, but then I let them go once they've been felt. I pick myself up, and the next meal I try and eat well, and move. I'm in the photos. I dress for me and not to hide. I have my head up instead of down and embarrassed. I don't have many photos of my beautiful mother because she 'hated' her photo taken. So I remember that the photos I'm in aren't for me, they are for my children, my friends, those who love me.

FWIW I have just been formally diagnosed with Lipoedema (last week). My consultant was extraordinarily kind to me (as I assume I deserve hatred at disdain for the way I look - society can fuck off at this point!) and is referring me for w/l injections and lipo, I'm early on in the process, so we'll see what happens, but it's added more to my resolve that I will do my best to live my life and be positive.

This is not your fault

I hear you! But it took 30/40 years of disordered eating to get you here. It’s going to take years to undo it. Go back to the drugs, there is no sense in torturing yourself with traditional restricted eating plans. Look at them as a lifetime tool to help you slowly undo the harm in your body. Do nice things for yourself too - one a month at least - my rule is waxing DOES NOT count as a nice thing!!! Other people do not have the intense food noise some of us bear. We are evolutionary winners… our ancestors survived the famines and scarcity thanks to that noise. It doesn’t serve us now though and it’s OK to turn it off. Use your knowledge of how long the effects last to help you navigate your way through it. Food noise comes back - you need to be on your best diet game - in the 72 hours after the injection you can relax knowing suppression is there to help. Good luck!

OP, please please never diet again. Promise yourself you will never go on a diet again.

Shed the weight of hating yourself and feeling shame. That is far more corrosive a model to your children than being obese.
Look up Self-compassion worksheets online and do one every day until you are repeating yourself.

Start adding things to your life, not denying them. Add 2 litres of water or fruit/ herbal teas, to ensure you don't eat your thirst.

Add five veg portions and 2-3 fruit portions a day to ensure you're not bingeing to try and access crucial vitamins. You could add a multivitamin with iron too.

Focus on really nutritious food, lean meat, fish, legumes, loads of veg, herbs, spices, small amounts of healthy fats. Reject processed food not because it's 'naughty' but because it's shit and you deserve better. Unprocessed food rarely triggers binges.

Add five or more small, easy de-stressors each day, to ensure you are not comfort eating your emotions. E.g. 5 minute meditations or affirmations, relaxation breathwork or yoga nidra; lining up comedies you love, creating soothing, uplifting, releasing playlists on Spotify, buying gorgeous scented shower znd bath gels and small beauty treats, magazines or escapist novels etc.

Make a list of all the food treats you love that happen to also be healthy or reasonably low calorie, like fresh berries, melon or pineapple, coffee with frothed skim milk, Greek yoghurt, salmon sashimi, natural fruit ice lollies, home-popped corn with smoky paprika etc. Try to avoid ultra-processed foods as they can trigger violent cravings. Keep at least one of these around for when you want a treat.

Walk as often as you can. Take stairs, as slow as you like, not lifts. Do squats while you clean your teeth, knee raises or marching on the spot while waiting for kettle to boil or tea to brew.

Try and add a weekly exercise class - aqua aerobics or tai chi - something not too hard on the knees for now.

Keep a diary not of your attempts to stick to this but of everything you achieve each day, from caring for DC - feeding, clothing, listening, encouraging; all the work you do etc. Prove to yourself what a worthy human being you are, deserving of this healthy care

Every week you do this, reward yourself with a new to you item of clothing, accessory or similar that symbolises that you now care about yourself.

I guarantee you will be a few stone lighter in 12 months without depriving yourself.