To be unimpressed with how this is phrased?

[AlwaysRight1985]

For context, I'm 38, in early menopause with severe endometriosis. I did used to want children years ago but then had a fertility MOT and discovered it would be practically impossible naturally. I've made peace with that and realised that I absolutely don't want kids, for various reasons, in fact I don't even like them all that much.

Had an appointment with my gynaecologist to talk about a hysterectomy, had a scan first and he called me with the results. He asked me 'are you complete with having your family?'. I just feel this was a strange way of phrasing it? Have you had kids and do you want any more would have been appropriate? I have a family, it just doesn't involve children.

I also then had to argue back and forth with him as he wanted to do minor surgery now to treat the endo then a hysterectomy in a few years - to give me chance to change my mind! I'm not going to change it!

i can understand the frustration re the surgery but wouldn’t give a second thought to the wording of that to be honest

They always ask if you have completed your family if you are having elective hysterectomy.

He has to make sure you are given all the options and he has informed consent to a hysterectomy. You can’t have informed consent if you don’t tell the patient that there is an option to do small endo surgery and then hysterectomy a few years later if you have any doubts.

My point being my family IS complete. Without children.

So say yes. It's fine.

I wish I had done now to save the back and forth!

I just don't like the implication that I'm somehow 'incomplete' if I don't have children.

Personally I think asking “have you completed your family?” Is far more sensitive than asking “have you any children and do you want more?” because the way he asked you doesn’t presume that all women have and/or want children. The way you think he should have asked would be presumptuous and none of his business. The way he asked, a simple yes or no is all you need to say regardless of your family situation in regards to wanting or having children/no children.

So why on Earth would you prefer him to have asked
Have you had kids and do you want any more would have been appropriate?

because that implies you’re incomplete if you have no children. What he asked, does not.

Absolutely fine and standard phrase sensitivity put.

Yes which is what he was asking.

and your answer is yes.

This is the same question I was asked, almost word for word before I agreed to endometrial ablation. "Is your family complete" I don't think there's anything sinister about it?

There’s no implication you aren’t complete without children.

Its the opposite.

I would’ve thought that was a nicer way to say it

I just don't like the implication that I'm somehow 'incomplete' if I don't have children.
but they didn’t say that. If you had 3 kids they’d still ask because some want a 4th or 5th.
The question is do you consider it complete. And you do. So you say yes.
what would you have preferred?

They ask men the same question in discussions about vasectomies, it’s a standard phrase and is probably the most sensitive way to ask.

You’ve already said in a reply here that your family is complete without children, so surely your answer to his question was ‘yes’.

Did he phrase it exactly as you’ve written it? If so, the syntax sounds like he may not be a native English speaker, but the sentiment is the same as “have you completed your family”.

I think that's why he phrased it as he did.

If he'd said your proposed statement instead, it shifts the inference to be that you're not complete without children...

His way makes it clear that he's just asking if your family is complete; which lets you interpret family and complete however you wish.

Yes it was phrased like that. I know now I should have just said yes but it was over the phone and I was a bit taken aback at the time... especially given that he's seen me in person recently and we had a long conversation about everything that he then asked me about!

Perhaps the way you have reacted to this indicates you're not fully okay with not having children? Some counselling sessions might help you unpick your feelings.

Or perhaps I'm just fed up with everyone assuming that a woman always wants/has children?

But nobody assumed. They didn't ask how many you had or your reasons for your choices, just had you already had that number you wanted. It wouldn't matter whether you'd had one and were done or 16 and that was enough. Since you've had none and don't* (typo made it nonsensical) want any, the answer is yes. That's good enough for them.

So you say ‘yes’.

When I had a hysterectomy my surgeon had some crazy turns of phrase, for example he told me he had delivered the womb successfully lol

When you go into hospital for any procedure there will be phrases that are weird or you don’t like but unless someone is rude or disrespectful to you I can’t see how it is going help to get offended by them

i mean yes, saying, ‘have you completed your family’ is maybe an old fashioned turn of phrase but this is one of the standard medical questions that they ask for an elective hysterectomy.