TW ladies who have/had breast cancer: what support did/do you need?

[MissUnicorn]

One of my besties has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has an operation booked for next week.
She's single with no kids and I'd like to support her as much as I can.
She's an absolute sweetheart and hates asking anything from anyone and even though I've said to ask for what she needs, I know she'll find it hard to.

She's been coming to mine in the evenings to watch TV so she's not alone and going out for walks with people who are able to do so.

I've suggested a WhatsApp group for the people that know so we can all coordinate together.

I was thinking of maybe batch cooking some food.
Can you help me think of anything else?
I have my own health issues so can't really tidy up or go for walks.

Thanks in advance.

The main debilitating thing for me was the fatigue that came with treatment. It floored me. Help with preparing meals, manual tasks round the house such as hanging washing, doing the dishes, hoovering would be so helpful. Also she'll need someone with her after the op due to the anaesthetic. I also found it hard to ask for help but people told me it made them feel better to help me.

I have DH go over letters from my Dr. with me. Sometimes seeing the diagnosis written down is a lot different to being told it face to face and I find the medical terminology terrifying. I also convinced myself I had something I didn't because I went over a letter by myself (at 2am 😂) and misread what it said. So maybe having someone go through things with her and help her make notes.

I have also found I get quite stressed with people who treat me as if I'm "ill" and use what I've named "the sad voice"- I appreciate best the people around me who talk about it, ask questions but also know when to change the subject.

Thanks @Emmylou22
I hope you're feeling much better now.

I'll make sure we set up that WhatsApp group because I can help with some but not all of that.

@youdontneedtopoo I've had some health issues and that voice is annoying! Why is it so soft and slow? 😆The things is, I feel a bit bad getting annoyed because I know they're trying to help, bless em.

Thanks for the tips and all the best. x

Psychological support was what I needed most. Someone who would listen and acknowledge how I felt without minimising or dismissing my feelings. To be honest I was at my worst about 12 months after my surgery.
But yes just encouraging your friend to feel she can be honest, and she doesn’t need to out in a brave face.

I am currently going through chemo for breast cancer - it's not fun and to be honest, it isn't something many people are aware of as I don't want the "pity" - I would rather just crack on with it and get it done with minimal fuss!

For me, I have young kids and my partner has taken time off work to be available to help out more - but the tiredness of chemo - assuming she needs it, is very difficult. I also found the nausea horrible at the start of each cycle, it left me bed bound for 2/3 days before I felt better.

For your friend, perhaps helping her out with shopping, preparing food would be useful.

Also, as you are already doing - keeping her company - it's very easy for your mind to slip into a bad place when you are alone with your thoughts and it's hard to keep positive once that happens.

Don't say 'oh let us know what you need' because its hard to ask and the ill person doesn't always know what they need until its on top of them. Instead be specific - 'I was thinking you may need some help hoovering and general tidying while you can't lift anything, shall I come around 4 on Tuesday for a bit of a tidy?' Maybe bring a cake or something to share socially after the work bit is done.

I had a different kind of cancer and eventually set up a whatsapp group to update friends once my sister persuaded me to share about my surgery.
Main thing that I'd suggest is don't tell her to "be positive" it's annoying as hell, she's allowed to feel however she feels and it won't make any difference to the eventual outcome.
In terms of practical help, just turn up and do stuff, it's really hard to ask for help and finally don't forget about her, like a PP said the one year mark might be when she needs you most.

I was diagnosed four years ago. Right at the start of the pandemic. I'm a lone parent. A friend stayed with me for a few days after surgery but I recovered quickly fortunately. The active treatment I coped with really well. I had radiotherapy and advise keeping a big bottle of aloe vera gel and E45 (lotion not cream) to help minimise skin damage.

I had chemotherapy and used a cooling cap to minimise hair loss. I also discovered that exercise can mitigate a lot of the side effects so I decided to do the six mile round trip to the hospital on foot. It really helped. I was already fit to be fair but it really did help me avoid the worst of the effects. I found steroids within treatment difficult. Puffy face, really hungry and insomnia. Chemo made me cold even though it was a very warm summer so I took a blanket to each session and plenty of reading material. I remain well and wish your friend a speedy recovery

Thank you. I am physically so much better. I agree the psychological aspect is equally important. My concern is now people think I'm 'better'. But I'm still dealing with the lingering mental after effects of the whole ordeal. It doesn't end when treatment ends x

Thank you so much for the replies and wishing you all the very health.

She was round last night and has vetoed the WhatsApp group because she's in one for someone else and hates the "be brave" messages.
I only have the numbers of a couple other friends, so maybe I'll contact them directly.

I can imagine that the psychological effect will last for a while @Emmylou22 are there counsellors trained for this?

@MissSmiley We usually text each other most days, so forgetting her is not an option. She's probably going to get sick of me!

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you for the aloe vera and E45 recommendations. She's been looking into cold caps and is very healthy as well.

The hospital may offer counselling. And Macmillan will give a course of free sessions at any point. I had 6 sessions to help me get through chemo but I could have done with some more afterwards.