I’m so sorry and this is probably going to make me sound like such a baby but I really really need a space to get this off my chest as I don’t feel I have anyone who would understand.
last Monday I went for a LETTZ procedure. I totally underestimated the whole thing after reading so much positive stories online. I read through all the leaflets and every bit of info provided for me and went to my appointment alone expecting nothing worse than a biopsy.
FIrdt of all I saw the cell changes on the screen and there was ALOT of them. Like a very large part of my cervix was removed. Even down to the man who put the speculum in was so rough! I’ve had 4 natural births and had a speculum down there more times than I can count but this was so uncomfortable. The first numbing injection didn’t work which I found out when they went to do the procedure and it felt everything. They quickly stopped and injected me again. By this point I’m shaking head to toe because of the stuff they injected with, I’m crying my eyes out, absolutely terrified. The second injection got to work and despite every where I look saying the procedure takes 15 minutes at most, I was there for coming up 45 minutes.
I kept being told ‘nearly done’ but it was not ending! I asked during it ‘how big is the area you’re taking away’ and the reply I got was ‘well, it’s not the biggest I’ve seen’. Which to me indicates quite a lot!!
towards the end they ‘nipped’ a vessel that wouldn’t stop bleeding. So I was legs in stirrups, bleeding ALOT, two people trying to locate the bleed and make it stop but showing cotton wool up me and putting extra pressure on my cervix to stop it.
when I got back to my car I was in pain, incredible emotional, still very very shaky from the injection and wasn’t able to drive myself home until a good 30 odd minutes. I wish more than anything I had took someone with me.
but now, a week later and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m fully traumatised. I just keep remembering how scared and alone I felt at that time. I’m even more terrified of these results that could make me go back for me. I don’t even want to have any further smear tests because I don’t want anyone anywhere near my cervix again. I just keep crying, I don’t feel like myself and I don’t know who to talk to.
I would like to back this up by saying I’ve had 4 natural births, 2 terminations, 1 miscarriage, a smear test every single year since I was 24 (now 28)so I am no stranger to people poking around my cervix and having people around there and being uncomfortable but this was something else entirely and honestly I’m petrified and I feel so so stupid that I’m having literal ‘flashbacks’.
thanks for reading xx