Looking after my wife

[OverthinkingDad]

Hey guys, I’m a dad to be in Jan and while I’m normally a calm and fairly rational person I’m freaking out, weirdly not about the baby but about my Wife. Are there things I should be doing or preparing for post partum? Any tips about what to do when she’s in labour.
Im the sort of man that can’t stand to see my wife in pain or struggle and I know it’s her challenge but I want to help. I’m worried I’m going to be useless while the love of my life is fighting a battle I can’t help with.

Have you got any dad friends. Maybe best discussing this with fathers. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to help your wife apart from listening and supporting her decisions through pregnancy and postpartum. Dealing with you own feelings when you see your partner giving birth must be tough but it's not really something most mothers will be able to give first hand advice on. Keep your own feeling in check I'd suggest maybe - however difficult it is for you to watch it's not about you (in the nicest possible way!), it's about your wife and the baby. Don't lump this on your wife's plate, find a dads group/charity and discuss with them.

You might find it helpful to have a role. My DH and I had a joke that he was my labour angel because when contractions started at home he happened to be in white t shirt and pants and brought me snacks/ran a bath etc. You could be chief of comfort. Sort the snack and drink bag, (flapjacks meant to be good for slow energy release), get a little led rechargeable light to set a calm mood, make a playlist for her. In all honesty there isn't much you can do so anything you do will be extra. Also try not to think of it as a battle. That wasn't my experience of labour..makes it sound awful. Battles are about losing life. Labour is bringing life into the world. Very different.

dh Was just the legend to end all legend but horrifically he was just kind of like my skivvy on the day (I’m so sorry 😅!) He went to the car for my bag, just was there really and even went to the door when I asked him to tell the woman next door to stop being so loud- he didn’t do it, but I appreciated that he did head to do it🙈). Offered me water, had snuck in crackers and a can of coke the next day as he knew I hadn’t enough- during labour told me I was doing great and afterwards did an equal share in changing nappies etc. I knew I was going to bottle feed and we did equal share in all the feeding stuff, one doing 1-4 feeds one night etc. Also the house was clean when I got home from the hospital which was HUGE!! Congratulations op you’ll both figure it out between you just remember if she tells you to tell people to shut up she might be high on gas or in a lot of pain (Ps the sucky gas thing is better than the mask as she can bite down!!)

Ps remind her and remember that at the end of this there’s a little person. That really helped!!

Be her advocate during labour. If she for example really wants an epidural or whatever then support her in getting that so she’s not the one asking all the time. Have her back basically.

Labour is only the start of it. Having a child is a marathon not a sprint and being a good partner while you both make this adjustment may be hard work. I'm sorry if this sounds patronising, it's not meant to be. It can just be really tough at times for both parents, so just be there. Don't run away, don't use the excuse of work to escape for longer than you have to, just be there. And then your reward will be that you and your wife have a family with both of you at the core of it, connected, rather than your wife and kid(s) being the core family unit and you orbiting somewhere by yourself in the distance, largely doing your own thing.

I'm sorry, that wasn't really what you asked. Here's a few things which imo would make the labour/postpartum period easier:

• Make sure that you're well-rested in the lead-up to the birth so you can take over afterwards and care for the baby while she recovers (in hospital and at home). Getting up after giving birth can be a slow and painful process (and impossible if you're on a drip/catheter) and there's nothing more annoying than having to shout at your sleeping husband for ages to wake him because he doesn't hear the baby.
• Make sure that she has lots of fresh, cold water to drink. We froze a couple of large bottles of water (empty out a bit first obviously) and took them to the hospital with us and they were a godsend. At home, breastfeeding is thirsty work so having some ice or a spare water bottle chilled in the fridge can be helpful.
• If you make her a hot drink, make sure she can actually drink it. "I'll put it over here just to be safe" is not helpful if over here is out of reach. A spillproof cup with a lid can be helpful to avoid any risk to the baby.
• Make her healthy food and make sure she actually has a chance to eat it. The temptation otherwise when you have a screaming baby needing feeding is not to eat or just grab snacks.
• Make sure she has a chance to wash and take care of herself. When the baby is a little older and you both feel comfortable with this, take the baby out of the house now and then so she can have a bath/rest without being on high alert for screaming. I know one wfh dad who does the school run for their older kids and he takes the baby so his wife can shower and have a cup of tea in peace.

Don't make it all about you. Or anything about you actually. You are her support, she's not yours. Find an outlet that helps you help her. Make sure you're giving her what she needs, not what you think she needs.