First signs of abusive relationship?

[nameischangedagain]

What signs did you miss then, that perhaps you would be more aware of now?

Ways they discreetly controlled you/ things they said/ ways they acted/ red flag behaviours etc

I think unexplained and sudden bad moods with “what’s wrong?” met with “nothing, you’re just imagining it/sensitive” alongside general sulking, huffing etc.

Creating an atmosphere which eventually leaves you wondering where you stand from day to day, hour to hour etc. Psychologically hard to cope with.

Thankyou

so many!
anything that has the effect of isolating you from friends/family, even if it's dressed up as 'I love you so much I don't want to share you' or any other excuse
love bombing (may be part of the above)
subtly undermining you- 'mmm, nice dress but is it right for this event/really your colour/maybe a bit tight?'
not using your name but calling you babe/darling or whatever...

I could go on but need to cook!

Not being able to be yourself, or noticing this in others when they’re with the abusive partner.

Isolating you from your friends/family.

Small on-going criticism. Belittling, undermining and then saying 'just kidding'.

Little digs, disguised as teasing.
Possessiveness.
Jealousy over past relationships.

Oh yeah, general black cloud moods, because it was so 'difficult' for him to cope with my past relationships.

also, a man who doesn't see his children for any reason-
he can't be bothered
his crazy ex won't let him (double red flag there)
the courts won't let him/only at a contact centre (massive red flag)

Being totally adored and rushed through relationship stages.

Sudden mad moods/ complete withdrawal of affection and interest and denial it’s happening.

Nasty digs that are ‘just jokes’.

Finding yourself missing the ‘real’ them, the kind them.

No longer knowing your own opinions.

Questioning your take on reality.

Making excuses for their behaviour as they have already primed you with tales of their terrible family etc.

Feeling happier/ funnier/ more attractive/ likeable when you are not around them.

Panicking if anything at all happens that will upset them and making sure you head it off before it can.

Vile threats that were ‘jokes’

Small physical things appearing that aren’t hitting or a full on push so feel hard to hold to account. Shoulder barge on way past that was an accident etc.

Crazy ex stories.

Why are you asking, anything you want to talk about?

Any reference to a 'psycho' ex - shows a complete failure to accept he did anything to enrage/hurt/damage his ex partner.

Contradicting you physical needs, so if you say you're thirsty, he'll say you've just had a drink. If you say you're too hot, he'll say it's freezing, etc etc. It's how gaslighting begins.

Hates his mother - run, just run.

Hiding things I cared about/important papers. Sometimes heroically finding them again, sometimes not.

Very secretive.

Throwing away clothes (but would never admit he’d ever even seen said clothing) that he didn’t approve of. I don’t know why I still feel the need to explain this because I know it is utterly utterly irrelevant but we are talking sleeveless tunics and fitted t-shirts, not rubber mini-skirts and tassels.

Tried to make out I was a feisty, angry, unreasonable and demanding person (I’m none of those things). Certain family members of mine still believe this 🙁

I could never confront him about any of these things ☝️without sounding utterly deranged so I never did.

More generally: Trying (and often succeeding) to make me feel sorry for him. No anger and sulking in the beginning but for example if I were wearing anything other than jeans and a baggy t-shirt/sweatshirt there would lots of deliberate sad face, big sighs etc and then I’d ask what was wrong it’d be something along the lines of:
(Big sad face) “you just look really nice and then I get jealous and wonder if I’m good enough”
Over the months/years this progressed to (still sadface)“I just don’t really understand why you need to look nice for anyone else when I love you”
To (concerned-for-you face) “well, you can’t wear that, everyone might think you’re a bit of a slapper, let’s go and see what else you’ve got to wear”
Eventually becoming giving me a hug, shifting his arm position and making jokes about strangling me and where on the body bruises don’t show. To regularly being knelt on and raped.

Sorry that was really long. If there are things you think might be red flags, it is pretty likely that they are. 🚩