I don't know where to ask

[helpijustcant]

I have no idea how to start this. My husband has told me that I am committing adultery in my sleep. I have always slept walked and talked. But in the last couple of months, I have been masterbating and going down on someone. Whilst in bed with my husband. I have ended these episodes really upset then gone to sleep. I have no recollection.

My husband is incredibly upset tonight and told me I've done it about ten times this year. He's now convinced I'm having an affair, accusing me of fancying our neighbour because I've had conversations with him (last was early December). I am tonight sleeping downstairs because of the effect it's having on his sleep- he's not just disturbed, he's awake waiting for me to cheat on him.

I am numb. He is everything to me. He thinks my inability to stop it, or express myself to him to convince him that I'm not having an affair.

I drink more than I should. I've been up and down in my attempts to reign back. Since finding out i am having sex in my sleep, I have been drinking more to try and forget it. I hate my stupid self. I've always been this stupid. Always sleep walking and talking and feeling ridiculous when I wake because I feel so vulnerable when told what I did the night before. But I know that my husband is hurting way more than me right now. Apparently the last time I said, "we need to tell husband" FFS what is wrong with me? I am in love with him, eyes only for him. Ten years together.

I am scared to go to the gp because my job requires any health updates to be recorded, so I could lose our main income.

Sat on my living room floor, too numb to cry. Too awake to sleep. So ashamed

This will sound harsh but this is ridiculous. Lots of people have sex dreams, that's normal. Sadly for you it is more obvious when that happens. I can understand your husband possibly feeling a little perturbed by it but it's not something you have any control over. I can guarantee that he has had a dream of having sex with someone else during your relationship 100%.
Being a sleep walker is not going to have any impact on your job. You don't have to give specifics. Just see your GP.

Hi. You were dreaming. It wasn't real and your husband should be way more understanding of that as he knows you have sleeping problems. The brain can wander off and dream about all kinds of things and they don't mean anything at all (sorry Freud). Him making a big deal of it though will make things worse because brains tend to look for threats and if your brain now things that this is a threat it will tend to replay it to try and figure out why.

But seriously, your husband needs to get a grip. It was a dream. The other night I was dreaming I was in a war zone and I machine gunned people. God knows why my brain did it, but it did. Had I been talking in my sleep outloud as I did so, then my partner would have wondered what the hell I was dreaming, but they wouldn't have thought that I'd recently murdered a load of people and that's why I was having this dream.

And hey, you're not stupid, so stop calling yourself that. You can't help the way you are and it's not your fault x My partner sometimes talks in their sleep and I just nudge them off it sounds like a nasty dream or I put in my ear plugs if not. I'd never in a million years think " I must listen to this to figure out what they're secretly doing behind my back".

You're probably going down on your actual husband in your dreams but thinking your married to someone else. It could be anything and your husband is way out of order to think it means you're having an affair. It is really thoughtless and uncaring. He should be supporting you and not accusing you over bloody dreams.

STOP. DRINKING. Do not touch or buy another drop of alcohol. That's the first step. You then need to get therapy to deal with your alcohol dependency. You also need to see your gp for additional help.

Oh and while I agree you should try and reduce your drinking, (theres no problem that alcohol can't make worse) stopping it suddenly can be extremely dangerous if you're physically dependent on it. it's actually more dangerous than heroin to come off if that's the case.

This is ludicrous. You can’t cheat on someone in your sleep. Your husband is behaving like a lunatic and you’re accepting it, for some reason. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Stop drinking. Speak to your GP. Providing health updates is unlikely to allow them to breach patient confidentiality (but you can check that before disclosing anything) and sleepwalking is hardly a concern anyone is going to sack you for.

But how do you know it’s true? You only have his word for it. And even if it is true, he’s overreacting. Drinking will make this all feel much worse than it is, so stop that. Stand up to your H. Tell him he’s being ridiculous. You’re dreaming. Don’t allow him to make you feel ashamed for a minute longer.

Unless there’s another man in the bed with you and your husband, you are not having sex and committing adultery in your sleep. He’s being ridiculous. You’re just having erotic dreams like most people do.

You are not committing adulterous in your bloody sleep.

Stop beating yourself up immediately!

Your husband needs to stop being a daft prat and understand you are ASLEEP. you're not consciously doing it to hurt him.

I think you both need to educate yourselves on dreams and sleep issues.

I hope you're ok. X

adultery!* not adulterous