Hi everyone, posting this as a bit of a note to self about how I'm feeling, but also to hopefully generate a bit of a conversation from those who have felt similar or who are reviewing contraception options.
I've been on the minipill (or progesterone only pill) for about two years now. Before the minipill I had a few years hormonal contraception free, and my periods were extremely regular, like clockwork. I'd experience PMS before periods, then heavy, painful periods which would effectively leave me bed-bound for a couple of days of the month. But I also experienced great symptoms during ovulation - feeling super happy and confident. I'd tried an extensive list of contraceptive options before this - starting on the combined pill, which caused me migraines with auras, deeming this, and a few other options containing the same hormone, out of the question for me. I later tried the injection and the implant - both that I found to be particularly bad. The implant, I am fairly certain, caused me to have suicidal thoughts - thoughts which I have not experienced before or since having the implant removed. I also bled for about 12 weeks non-stop, it was absolutely crazy and an experience I never want to repeat.
When I entered a serious relationship, I needed to look into my contraception options as I did not want to have a baby at that time in my life. My options were pretty much limited to the minipill or the coil due to issues listed with the above contraceptives. The coil really didn't appeal to me as I am extremely sensitive when it comes to things like this - without running the risk of sounding pathetic, I had a cervical punch biopsy a few years back for some bleeding and I passed out immediately after from the pain and shock. I just can't bear things like this unless I absolutely have to, smears are about the level I can cope with. Also, if I was to go through all the stress of insertion of a coil, I'd probably want it to be hormone free as there's less chance of me having some of the symptoms I've had whilst on hormonal contraception - however I'm aware that the copper coil is not recommended for people who suffer from heavy, painful periods already (as mentioned above, I sadly do when my body is regulating naturally).
Anyway, so I started the minipill. It hasn't been all bad - infact, in comparison to the other hormonal contraceptives I've tried, I'd say it's been one of the better ones, although given my experiences that's not really saying much. I don't really have periods on the minipill - which is obviously good in a way as my periods were pretty crippling before. However, I do get spotting randomly throughout the month, which I never know when is going to happen. I really liked being able to track my cycles before the pill as I felt it explained so much about the way I was feeling - losing this ability feels quite strange and like a loss of control over my own body. I've also had a slight weight gain since starting the pill which I don't seem to be able to shake, although this isn't the end of the world admittedly as I was quite slim and could have done to have gained a few pounds in all honesty. The worst thing for me has been my mood and how I'm feeling. I just do not seem to be able to experience joy or excitement anymore, or feel truly present and in the moment. A couple of examples of times when this has been particularly bad would be say at Christmas - I just felt nothing, no excitement, happiness, it could've been any other day. Now please don't get me wrong when I'm saying this, I understand completely that I'm no longer a child and it obviously isn't going to be the same level of excitement - but I usually feel something? I just felt tired, foggy, distracted. Another example was that this summer myself and my partner went on the holiday of a lifetime to Disney in Orlando - the last time I was there was as a child, and, whilst again, I didn't exactly expect it to be the same feeling as when I was 8 years old, I expected to at least feel some level of excitement and happiness? Again, I just felt... Nothing. I literally could've been sat at home on my sofa for the way I felt. It was extremely sad for me and I had to kind of "fake it" for the sake of my partner, bless him, who was really happy and excited. Obviously these are two pretty extreme examples, but this happens almost daily. I feel tired, foggy and just not present at all. Emotions I do still happen to feel are sadness and anger. Good lord, the rage I can feel at times over the smallest thing is crazy! My motivation is at an all time low and I can genuinely just sit and do nothing all day if I can get away with it. I'm not going to lie and say before I was this incredibly productive person, truth is I can be really quite lazy at times and this has always been the case, but it definitely feels as though it's gotten worse and I don't seem to be able to shake it in the same way I used to. I also always used to be very sociable and love interacting with new people - now I feel socially anxious, which is a strange feeling for me.
My sex drive has also dwindled massively - this used to come in ebbs and flows before, but now I can very, very rarely be bothered, which has impacted my relationship.
I'm now at the point of looking to review my options and potentially go hormone free again to give my body a break and see how much of the above is just me now, and how much is the hormones I'm pumping in my body every 24 hours. If I still feel this way then obviously I may need to explore therapy options/other self care tools. My question to you lovely lot is - has anyone else felt similar to how I'm feeling on the minipill? Did you come off it? What option did you switch to, if any? Thanks in advance!