How HG has ruined my family size

[Waredrobe]

Not sure why I’m posting this but I need to vent somewhere no one knows me and maybe as somewhere to look back on in the future. Guess as a type of therapy.

I had a rough pregnancy with my eldest I was sick every day until birth, I got through just about and was super excited to meet them. I then had a second pregnancy and it wasn’t as bad, most definitely more manageable although I only gained 2kg and was still sick.

I accidentally fell pregnant when my youngest was a year old, I knew I couldn’t do the pregnancy and sickness so we made the choice to end the pregnancy at 4 weeks. My husband blamed himself as he wasn’t excited and felt like he half pushed us in that direction, where in truth I was petrified too. He has some guilt around this.

Once the age gap was big enough we ttc again, and it was the worst I have ever experienced. I was in hospital puking my guts up at 4 weeks. I would then again be back in hospital at 5,6 and 6.5 weeks. They think I caught covid which made it worse. I felt so let down my doctors, the hospital, my resting heart rate was 100 and my liver was getting damaged. The doctors couldn’t guarantee I would make it though the pregnancy and I was at high risk of heart attacks etc. I was heart broken but made the choice again to end the pregnancy. I couldn’t walk 10m I was so weak from not eating or drinking for weeks. I cried so much my husband said he never wanted me to go through this.

I convinced myself that covid had made it awful and if I didn’t catch covid maybe we could try again. Maybe I could be stronger, maybe I could have carried on with the pregnancy.

So now we have a positive pregnancy test, the fear and dread has set in. All I can think about is the negatives. Why on earth did we think this was a good idea, all I wanted was to complete our family that I had dreamed about from being a small child. This is the last time ever regardless of how it ends. All I can think about is not going through with this pregnancy, I’m so scared, I have already been into the doctors twice and on a combination of anti sickness meds, next steps are second line drugs I’m about to pick up but they can only prescribe for 5 days otherwise I need a consultant at the hospital. I have lost 2kg in a week due to having no appetite. I think i know the correct thing is to not continue the pregnancy, to make sure my current sons have a mother who can look after them. If the options are to continue the pregnancy but I ended up in hospital for 6 months, heart attack, damaged liver then it logically doesn’t make sense. I think I know what I have to do but it’s so sad.

It’s probably dramatic but I feel like I have ptsd, I’m so scared, I hoped it could have been like my second pregnancy where it was more normal. I guess Atleast i can say we really tried, we gave it our best shot at completing our family. I hate HG with a passion and I’m not sure anyone understands unless you have been there. It’s the mental side as much as the physical. Being bed bound for weeks / months feeling like you have a stomach bug. I’m crying while i write this.

To my future self. You tried, are you are so strong, you aren’t a bad person for ending the pregnancies, it was a necessary decision. If you didn’t have HG you would have your very wanted and 3rd child in your arms right now. HG made this decision for you. Please try to move on and focus on your current children, they are amazing and you are a great mother. I’m so sorry that HG has taken these moments away from you, I’m sorry that doctors and hospitals aren’t better equipped. I’m sorry you have to sit in a&e for 4-10hours puking in a bowl in front of everyone while waiting for a drip and multiple injections to stop you puking. That some doctors just don’t get it and seem to suggest taking ginger when even a sip of water makes you puke.

Im sorry to all HG mummies that have to make the decision to not have any more children or end a pregnancy. It’s never an easy decision. It completely sucks that we end up with anxiety over sickness bugs as it triggers all those memories. Last but not least I am sorry to my potential babies that I never had, I’m so incredibly sorry, I hope you can forgive me and in time I can forgive myself. If I knew what I knew now I wouldn’t have even ttc again. But the feeling was too strong, I so desperately wanted to meet you. I will love you forever, I’m so sorry

You knew based on previous experience that you could suffer with appalling symptoms and make the same decision to end the pregnancy. Is there a part of you which believes maybe “next” time it wouldn’t be as bad which is why you and your partner didn’t use a permanent preventative method so you wouldn’t get pregnant?

@MadonnasKebab yes I truly believed it could be better, even spoke to my consultant and they said you never know. It could be better it could be the same. Regardless of how this pregnancy ends (if we get the right combination of medication I will be super happy) but if not then this is it. We are looking at permanent methods to never fall pregnant again. I don’t think I can go through this any more

OP I’m so sorry about everything that has happened to you. It sounds horrendous. I have no experience of HG, but I can understand believing it could be better and wanting to try again. I really hope you find the right combination of medication this time and that you find peace in relation to the decisions you had to make in the past.

I was hospitalised twice with HG, we stopped after two. I always thought I’d have three but my physical and mental health and my marriage couldn’t have survived a third round. It was horrific, a decade later I still feel slightly traumatised by it tbh.

So, I get it. But here comes the tough love. HG sucks, but then a lot of things in life do, many of them far worse. Honestly, you’ve got a home, two beautiful kids. It’s time to stop chasing.

that sounds truly awful. I had HG to 22 weeks and I'm terrified of being pregnant again because of it (consultant told me every pregnancy is different but I'm too scared to risk it)

Either way you choose, it's the right decision for you and your family - and no doubt you're an amazing mum. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

@Waredrobe HG is relentless and it really is awful. Have you asked about steroids? I am currently on these for HG and they have been a game changer. I have been able to eat and haven't been sick in a few weeks now. The nausea was still there at first but they have helped massively in combination with other anti sickness drugs. The side effects (for me) have been a bit unpleasant in that I look about 6 months pregnant because of all the water retention but it's worth it.

I'm sorry OP. It's truly horrific and people just don't understand unless they have experienced it. I felt suicidal most days with DC2. I couldn't parent DC1. I spent so much time in hospital with unsympathetic doctors who couldn't even get a cannula in my arm, I was so dehydrated because I couldn't keep any fluids down. They couldn't see the baby properly at my 12 week scan because I kept throwing up the water I was supposed to be drinking beforehand, I had to get an internal scan (which got interrupted by me being sick again). I couldn't speak at some points because my throat burned so badly. I thought of termination too, I was in such a bad place but the only thought keeping me going was how much I wanted a second child for our family and how I would never be able to put myself through starting again with a pregnancy. There will be no DC3 for me for various reasons but HG is a big factor. I truly hope your sickness is not as bad this time (and it may not be, every pregnancy is different even for those of us with HG). But if it is, and your health is in jeopardy again.. I hope you can find peace with the decision you need to make and comfort in your lovely boys. Hugs to you xx

I am so so sorry OP. I too have had HG and a very similar story to yours, sadly. The guilt is appalling and I truly believe it can cause PTSD. I’ve been left with long term damage including a prolapse from the wreching/constipation from the drugs. Only you can make the decision and you may already know but Pregnancy sickness support can put you in contact with a HG Counsellor to talk in real life about how you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Michelle at hyperemesis counselling in Scotland was great for me and we chatted on the phone for over a year.
Please be easy on yourself. I feel your pain and sadly understand exactly how you’re feeling, it’s the worst experience to have to live through. 💐

I really feel for you. I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant (second pregnancy) HG has destroyed my mental health as well as my physical health. I feel as though I am just crawling through each day feeling broken. I personally wouldn't ever put myself or my family through this again.

Sending so much love to you OP. There is a chance this pregnancy could be easier, It's obviously just a choice of weather you want to take the risk. Would you be happier terminating now and wondering what if, or waiting until things get bad and then at least you know you tried your best? I would have dont the exact same in your shoes so don'tfeel guilty. No one can comment unless they have walked in your shoes. My best friend suffers with HG, it's truly horrible. Mother nature is so cruel sometimes. Xxx