Hi I’ve recently started feeling as though my health is deteriorating massively both mental and physical.
Last month I had an abortion. My second one and I’m so ashamed to even admit that I’ve had two terminations. The first one was back in 2018 and I was certain of my choice but I went through it alone and it severely impacted my mental health. This time around it was a stupid mistake and when I found out I was pregnant I stupidly thought there might be a chance I could finally have another child. My son is 7. I’ve been single for years but recently fell in love with my current boyfriend but it’s still very early days. He wasn’t happy about it and we decided to terminate. I’ve struggled a bit but I’m glad I have his support. I broke down on a walk last week and he was very supportive. We were out for lunch at this restaurant and a lady with a little baby and her husband and his father sat opposite I could see them from where I was sitting and the abortion just hit me. I felt like a failure because it seemed like having more children was something I wasn’t seemingly meant to have. I felt like a failure because it seems the more children women have the more respected they are. It felt like I was failing at creating a big family. I’ve been a single mum for 7 years. And I found myself comparing myself to my boys stepmum because she seems to have it all together, 2 daughters, she sees my son as her own, she’s getting married to my ex in a few months, they’ve got their family home together, she’s a teacher etc it’s all typical cliche stuff and I’m nothing like that. I struggle to hold onto a relationship for longer than a few months and I’ve just had a second termination I feel like a total mess and failure. My boyfriend assured me that he’s not planning on going anywhere, I’m the one, he sees a haply future with me and I’m grateful for that. Im just fed up of making all these stupid mistakes in life.
Anyway I haven’t been on any kind of contraception apart from using condoms for a very long time I’m talking years. So after this mishap I decided to go on the pill. They put me on mini pill rather than combined pill because I suffer with migraines occasionally with aura so there is a higher risk of stroke for me going on the combined pill. This is my third week of taking them and I feel awful. I’m not sure if it’s the pill but my blood pressure I can feel has sky rocketed. I feel pressure in my upper back and bottom of my skull/nape of my neck, pressure in the front of my head, very tired, brain fog, I’ve also been having shortness of breath last few days. This in turn is causing some anxiety.
On top of that my appetite for junk food has literally also sky rocketed and I can feel myself putting on weight I don’t know whether it’s water weight. Water weight in the past has caused me anxiety and shortness of breath.
I’ve recently had covid just before the abortion so it’s felt as if it’s a lot of things all at once to have to deal with resulting in depression. I feel over the last two years as well with covid etc. it’s had a massive impact on how I see my future. I’ve become very pessimistic and lack hope a bit to be honest. Recent events have just caused me to become a bit apathetic and I’m really struggling to plan for my future and get excited about it.
During the pandemic i managed to finish my open university masters degree. With distinction which is a massive achievement considering everything. I got my results just before Christmas but I’m kind of feeling very lost and not sure what tondi with it now. It’s quite a vague degree not anything specific like ‘nursing’. So I’m not sure what my options really are but also having this apathetic mindset at the moment isn’t helping me and I feel stuck at this level ‘career’ wise. My confidence is Rock bottom so I don’t feel confident or motivated enough to strive for a better job. I’m currently working for an agency (as a HCA) I’ve been waiting for a start date for an NHS job (support work band 3) for literally months hopefully I’ll get to start in the next week or so. But I should be aiming higher than support work or HCA with a masters. My confidence will not let me believe that I am capable of much more in terms of career. I’m scared of challenging myself.
I haven’t been eating healthy for quite a while and exercise is non existent for me, and I don’t drink enough water.i know what I need to do to improve my health I just don’t don’t do it. I’m in such a massive rut with my life and have been for such a long time I don’t know where to begin with changing this limited mindset I’ve got. I used to want to be healthy and fit and attractive now I don’t feel the urge or need to be those things even.