My mum

[Hayleydobedoo]

Hi all
Not sure if this is right place to post but Im struggling to stay sane right now, basically my mum has always smoked and drank all her life, ahe has always had issues with food but over last months lost weight and ive noticed it, i know people will say get checked my for cancer with gp etc etc but i dont need the horror stories , she wont go to the gp or hospital we have tried on other occasions, i cant tell my 50 yr old mum what to do or parent her, i have tried... i have a 10 month old little boy i need to focus on and stay positive for but im finding it hard, my dad did notice to and was weighing her at one point, she wont go drs and tells me to stop being silly, i told her last night and she said she eats just not as much as she used to, she will have like 1 slice of toast a day an egg a milkshake and maybe an orange, ive voiced my worries but i cant parent my own parent and then my dad starts at me saying I need to get a real problem im making stuff up etc even though he previously noticed it its like hes judt blanking it out... basically i suffer with intrusive thoughts and all i can think of is shes dying ...my partner just brushes me off saying im being negative and silly i need to be positive for the baby but my brain is just not wired properly and its getting me down... does anyone know what help I can get or how I can help myself have more positive thought patterns?! Ill be fine for a day then i dont want to do anything but hide under my blanket and cry, the thought of losing her is destroying me, i feel like im the only one who cares but every one else is getting on with thier lives not being negative like me its like im doing it to myself
Sorry for long rant im just all over the place
Thank you for any advice

I may add to this she looks after my ds when im at work, she is fine within herself happy etc, active cooks dinner, plays with him, shes not lethargic or lifeless

When you say your Mum has always had issues with food, what does that mean?

I guess it means she has had eating disorders?

From your post it reads like anorexia.

There is nothing you can do, sadly. It sounds as if your dad is in denial.

FWIW when people lose weight through cancer, they usually are eating normal amounts, but their body is not digesting it normally and they are not maintaining their weight.

But your account of what your mum eats in a day is dreadful. No wonder she is losing weight.

My advice is you work on your dad. He could try to persuade her to go to her dr, or he could see the dr himself and discuss the next step to try to get her some help.

Sadly, people with ED are often very reluctant to seek help until it's very severely affecting them. It s a mental health illness and although your mum seems happy, she clearly isn't and something else is going on.

Totally agree that it very much sounds like your DM has an eating disorder. As the PP said, people with cancer usually have unexplained weight loss. Your mums can be easily explained by the very limited amount of calories she's eating.

I'm more worried about you though. How long have you been having these intrusive thoughts for?

You need to speak to your GP about your situation and the things you have written on here.
Have you ever been on/offered antidepressants ?

My mum was a bit like this. Not the smoking, but the drinking and not eating. When the pandemic began, she quickly went downhill and was diagnosed with decompensated liver disease and died. 57. I loved her and cared about her with all my heart and I had tried so many times over the years to intervene, but with no luck, just falling s out. My mum was very very ill and I’d just had my little boy when she died.

I don’t tell you this to scare you, just to make you aware that I think you’re right and that someone needs to change for themselves, not others. I’d be concerned about leaving my baby with a drinker and smoker too - I couldn’t have let my baby with my mum despite ever so much wanting to.

I agree that you can’t force your parents to do something, no matter how frustrating it is.
My DM desperately needs antidepressants but she absolutely refuses to speak to the GP or have them, and we have to put up with her moaning/crying about her situation. But she has capacity so there’s nothing we can do.

As you have a 10 month old you may be suffering from postnatal depression. See your GP and get some antidepressants. You can only look after your own health and thats very important for your own little one. Smoking , for your dm, can depress the appetite but her diet sounds exactly like someone with an eating disorder.
What you can do about that l am not sure. Maybe put it to your dad as an ED so he is more alert.
But first take care of yourself.