Needing a Hand Hold

[Everdreamer1990]

So I'm feeling highly anxious & emotional right now. I have suffered with health anxiety for most of my life, having lost my dad to leukemia when I was 3. I've spent my whole life terrified that I'd die young & leave my own children behind if I had any.

I'm 31 & I have a beautiful DD, 19 months. I've struggled with my cycles for many years & IBS being put down to anxiety.

I had DD in Feb 20 & went back on the depot. I had her by C-section & since having her, sex became painful. I had no periods when on the depot, stopped it in Sept 20 & from early this year bled constantly. Drs put it down to the injection & that was that.

Sex still painful & a few weeks ago I started to feel nauseous & light headed. Spoke with GP over the phone who said it was probably an infection but I'd need to be examined so she got me in on 10/9. She examined me & sat me down afterwards saying that she wasn't happy with my cervix as it looked very red & inflamed. I had a negative smear in July so she wasn't overly concerned about cancer but mentioned that it was a possibility. I was to have 2 swabs done to check for infection.

I went on holiday the next day & came home during my holiday one day to do the swabs before going back. Whilst away, & on my birthday, they came back negative & I was put on a 2 week referral to Gynae.

I was in bits & so scared. For the last few weeks I have also developed pains under my right rib & what seems to be indigestion. I can't stop crying & worrying & I don't know what symptoms are now real & what are made up by my brain. Every time I look at my DD, I want to cry.

I've convinced myself it's ovarian & that it's spread to my cervix. I went for a transvaginal ultrasound today but the sonographer didn't mention if they'd seen anything. They just said I have to wait to hear from my gp at the end of this week/beginning of next. I have my referral with the consultant this Saturday for a Colposcopy & I'm terrified.

I feel that they are going to find something & it's going to be bad news. I've not felt right in a while & now I'm worried pregnancy & the depo have masked it all.

My anxiety has gone haywire. I've been off meds since my pregnancy in 2019 when I had my last flare up & I don't know what to do. I feel that I can't be a good mum to my child atm cos when I look at her, it breaks my heart.

My OH & parents keep telling me not to worry & that it's going to be nothing but that just makes me annoyed as they don't know that for certain & I don't want to have my fears made out to be trivial.

I don't know what I want from this post. Just to get stuff off my chest I guess & some support. Everyone I've ever known who's had cancer, including a 30 yr old friend of mine, has lost their lives because of it. Ovarian is so deadly & I'm terrified.

Has anyone gone through similar?

I know health anxiety very well OP, and the things that have helped me include mirtazapine, healthy food, and exercise. Have you ever talked to your GP about medication?

Here with a handhold. That sounds really stressful, OP. I was on the two-week pathway for gynae a few months ago and it was all fine - just minor issues. But I can understand how worrying it is.
As it is hopefully just a few more days of worry, your GP might give you a small prescription of diazepam to help you manage until the colposcopy is done.

Sorry, I may have unintentionally minimised your fears by saying “hopefully just a few more days of worry”. I totally agree people telling you it will all be fine is useless and unhelpful, although they mean well.

Thanks. I thought I had some diazepam left but can't find any so I think i'll call my gp. I think this is so much more real than my HA has been before. Other than pregnancy, when I thought I'd lose the baby, this wasn't in my head or obsessed about to begin with. It's because my gp showed concern & sent through a referral. So now I don't know/can't remember what symptoms I had before I saw her or since.

I suppose this time, it really could be cancer & they have seen something which could be that diagnosis. Plus it seems more elevated as I have such a young child.

The waiting is the worst. I first spoke with my gp on 3/9 via phone consult & then a physical appointment a week later so it's been on nearly a month now already.

My GP seemed really concerned (post menopausal bleeding) but the consultant gave me the all-clear. Thing is if they don’t put you on the two-week pathway then the wait could be a lot longer at the moment so I feel like they err on the side of caution.

Here to handhold! I had abnormal smears a few years ago and it was terrifying. Maybe just try to take it day by day, hour by hour. Try and stay busy if it helps. And try to remember that if it is something that needs further treatment or investigations that you’ve had it picked up quickly.

I just wanted to send you my thoughts. I'm on a pathway at the moment, also have two kids and health anxieties after losing a parent. However, I'm not sure medicating it is the way to go, of course you'll be stressed but you are in the right place and on a pathway.

I've had abnormal Smears for years, now have HPV, CIN3 and CGIN. Have a colposcopy then a LLETZ, now awaiting results.

It's driving me to distraction, and like you, have family trying to wish it better. They mean we'll but something like this is life changing.

Thanks for all of your replies.

I had my ultrasound results yesterday & they came back clear. Ovaries, bladder & womb are fine & this has lifted a big weight off as I was so worried about ovarian cancer.

I have my colposcopy tomorrow & I'm seeing the consultant gynecologist regarding my 'unhealthy looking cervix'. I'm really hoping that it's just ectropian & then I can forget about this whole episode.

I feel like I need another holiday though after being told the night before I went away by my GP that I possibly had cancer.

That’s excellent news, OP. Hope tomorrow goes well too.

The gynaecologist did the colposcopy & knew straight away it was ectropian. He treated it with silver nitrate & that's that. I have the worst cramping but I am so relieved & happy.

I gave my DD plenty of extra hugs & kisses tonight & this scare has made me decide that I want to start trying for another baby. Life is so short.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Aww so glad it was ok

That’s amazing news!