Hello, I have very recently been through an extremely tough time and I wanted to share my experience, as I don't feel that it is talked about enough, and in these times we all need nothing but love and support and understanding. Please note, this might be distressing for some, but talking through it has helped me no end.
I will start right at the beginning, it was Wednesday 27th May, and due to the current Covid-19 situation, my husband was out waiting in the car, whilst I went into the hospital to have our first 12 week dating scan. I was sat there in the waiting room, nervous and excited as I was about to see our first baby for the first time ever. It felt like an age waiting to be called in - especially on a full bladder!
So off I went in, having a good friendly chat with the sonographer, as she squeezed the cold gel onto my stomach and starts the scan. She quickly took 2 photos - my first thoughts were, 'why is she taking such terrible images, you can't see anything!', but very quickly, she turned to me and said the dreaded words, words I had never expected to hear, she said 'I'm so sorry, there is a little baby there, however there is no heartbeat.' ...
I just broke, instantly my world shattered, I had failed, all these thoughts of blame just came over me. 'How did this happen?', 'Why?', she of course went and got a second opinion straight away, but it was very quickly confirmed again. She immediately told me to get my husband in, she gave him a facemask, sanitised his hands and allowed him to be with me. She printed out a picture of the scan, placed it in an envelope and said, 'it might be difficult for you now, but please take this image, I have known many to regret a while after recovering, that they never took the image of their baby.' I took this picture, and we have both looked at it many times now, and I can say I am glad that we have it.
We were given immediate support (the support from the NHS during this time has been incredible, I can not fault them) I was told to go upstairs to the Early Pregnancy Unit, they were waiting for me, so that we can discuss the next steps.
I was told that I have experience what is called a Missed Miscarriage, this is when you have miscarried, however your body has not yet recognised it, so I experienced no indication about the news I was just given, it was the biggest shock that I ever experienced. I was massively naive, I knew about the symptoms of miscarriage, however I didn't look into it any further because I always thought it 'it wouldn't happen to me'. I was told there wouldn't at this time be any investigation as to why it happened, due to it being my first pregnancy and also because it happens to 1 in 4 women in early pregnancy that the cost of investigating all of those would be too high. However I was constantly reassured, it wasn't my fault, I hadn't caused this ... although all I could feel was guilt and shame.
I was given 3 options, please note, my baby was dated at 9 weeks and 3 days, so you're options may vary based on the length. Option 1: Natural Management, where you let your body naturally pass the baby. I was too distraught to allow this one, I hated my body at this point and if it hadn't already realised then when would it, I just couldn't wait for an unknown amount of time for it to be over. Option 2: Medical Management, this is where you are given medication to kick start the natural process of miscarriage. You can do this as an Inpatient or Outpatient. Initially we were going to do it there and then as an Outpatient, but then we decided to be sure and safe with it, I would be an Inpatient for the treatment. If anything was to go wrong, like too much blood loss, I would have been in the right place immediately... note, too much blood loss is very rare, it was just something else we were worried about, that if we could prevent it, we would! Option 3: Surgical Management, by either Local or General Anesthetic. This option terrified me, I'm not very good with needles as it is, but I've also never been put to sleep via General before. The Dr also gave us the warnings of the complications, these also terrified us, as we didn't want anything effecting our future chances of conceiving.
So we went with Option 2, on Friday 29th May, I was admitted as an Inpatient to have the Managed Miscarriage procedure. Before starting, I asked for 1 last reassurance scan, I did not believe the outcome would change, I just needed that last bit of reassurance before going ahead with the tablets. Thankfully the hospital were able to allow this and fit me in. It didn't change the outcome, as we'd expected but it made me much more comfortable about proceeding. So on Friday, I took the first dosage, which is the same dosage you would take as an Outpatient. It was expected it would be an overnight stay as the tablets they give you either orally or vaginally, usually take effect within hours.
After 3 days of no movement, I had an examination and it found that my cervix was softening, however it was not opening yet.The Dr that examined me, said that if this last batch didn't work then we would have to have the surgical procedure. Both local and general anaesthetic options were discussed with me. Initially, I just broke down, I was petrified, I couldn't understand why my body was failing me again. I felt angry at myself because it felt like my body never tried hard enough to save the baby in the first place, why is it trying so hard to keep the baby now it's gone?
It was Monday now, I was expecting to be having surgery, a Registrar came to see me and did another examination, still no cervix movement. They really wanted to keep my wishes of not having the surgery, so they gave me a really intensive course of the tablets on Monday, which consisted of 2 every 3 hours, and still nothing happened. Nothing had changed, my body was not reacting to the tablets like they were expecting, the Dr explained to me on Tuesday morning that this can happen in 20% of women.
I was put on the list for surgery, I decided to go for the General Anaesthetic - GA. My past history of having locals is that I can still feel everything and I would be fully aware of what was happening, this was a moment that I never wanted to feel or be aware of. So I talked through my worries with the GA. My biggest concern was that I wouldn't wake up afterwards, the fear was so intense that it almost pushed me towards having the procedure done with local. After speaking with the nurses, the Dr on the ward and the Anaesthetist, they all put me at ease, the reassured me and talked me through everything about the procedure and what I could/should expect to happen.
Having this understanding really made me feel confident that I would be OK, this was safe, and this was absolutely the best option to move forward through this awful time. My husband agreed, he was also very apprehensive about having the surgery, but he also heard all of the reassurance from the Drs and nurses, it made him feel comfortable as well.
I had the surgery and recovered very quickly, it is now Friday, I came home on Tuesday. Whilst I am suffering a little with period like pains/cramps and bleeding, it is not heavy and it is not unmanageable. After going through everything I did, I wish that I had chosen the surgical route straight away, I was too scared and I did not have enough information initially to make that decision. However now that I've been through it, it is something that I would recommend, however it is such a personal experience, that I would never tell anyone what to do.
Through my time in the hospital, Friday to Tuesday, the nurses let me go through every emotion, they never tried to control how I felt, they listened and they supported me, I honestly could not thank them enough for the help and support they gave during my stay. I cried, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was sad, they even accepted when I got excited because I started to bleed ... yes that really happened! I thought something was finally starting to happening and then it just stopped, completely. So I went from being happy to being crushed and defeated again.
I feel that I may take some time to be OK with my body again, but at the end of last year I struggled with Anxiety and Depression, and I was given CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) sessions and I can truly say that, if I hadn't have gone through that, I wouldn't be sat here processing everything I have just been through, I wouldn't know how to deal with this overload of emotions and negative thinking. I know how to push myself into thinking about situations in positive lights.
An example I have is, I have miscarried my 9 week old baby - this is a negative thought, to change this into a positive (as can be!) thought, I have changed this to, my baby wasn't developing as well as it needed to, so it made a hard decision for itself, one that I would have struggled to make. I have also thought about how lucky I am that it has happened early, as devastating as it is to us, with our first baby being gone, it could have been a lot harder for us if it happened further down the line. I am trying to work on these positive thoughts and it is helping me to cope and move forward.
If anyone ever experiences this, I urge you to talk about it, we were so excited about the pregnancy that we told a lot of people before we were at 12 weeks, and you know what, I'd do it again too. The support that we've had from all of those, the understanding, and the help has been incredible. I have no regrets about telling anyone because I've then had to talk about it, and talking about my problems really helps me to heal.
Some information:
I stayed at Warwick Hospital on the Beaumont Ward, the team there were fantastic, they accommodated me and my husband so well. I never felt rushed and I was made to be as comfortable as possible considering the situation and the fact it's a hospital!
I would advise you to go to the Miscarriage Association if you are struggling with a similar situation to me. It is a fantastic organisation, with so many stories on there and informative videos.
One last thing. You are NOT alone, it is NOT your fault