Confession time. I’ve fallen into such a dark place I’ve started smoking cigarettes again properly {I was down to two a day and some days none} - I know it's selfish and trust me I'm already giving myself the hardest time and wanting to change, so please, be kind. ....and I’ve also started self medicating with red wine {not to the point where I am tipsy} just enough to steady my hand, come out of my panic attack and stop the bellowing tears that I’m sure the neighbours can hear. I just want to turn my pain off. I’ve reached out to the crisis team today and a:now under the mental health services but this will take a while to kick off they've told me to go the gp tomorrow to get referral for perinatal nurse. The thing is, after my mind has settled, and I’ve lifted a small amount of my own pain- I start panicking about the effects of the wine and cigarettes on my baby and feel
I,e the most selfish person in the world for putting my pain before his. I’ve now convinced myself that I will have a severely disabled son and asking myself how on earth I can protect him from the world when I can’t even protect him from my own actions? I have never known panic, anxiety and despair like this. Please don’t judge me, I’m already judging and punishing myself more than anyone else could.
I suppose my question is, how long until I get this perinatal nurse, has anyone else had one, how do they help, has anyone else suffering with prenatal depression found any relief? Are there any meds that are effective and safe for baby? How can I ease my anxiety over what I've done and how do I get support to do better?