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Women's health

HPV - Partner upset

21 replies

LMW1990 · 25/07/2018 09:36

Hi all sorry if this is long winded!

I've had a lot of gynecology problems for the past 5 to 6 years. In 2013 I had to beg for a smear test as I was only 23, which showed abnormal cells, HPV positive and a cervical erosion. I had been with my then partner for 5 years at that point. I had colposcopy, biopsy and treatment.

Since then I have smear tests every 6 months. They have all be HPV negative and the Dr were pleased with that. The cervical erosion, however, keeps returning. I have had numerous treatments to remove and reduce it as it cause me pain and bleeding. It also causes my cervix to contract which is extremely painful.

When I started seeing my new DP 3 years ago, I told him about all my issues. Granted HPV wasn't gone into in depth as all my tests were negative and it has been the erosion causing most of my issues.

Cut to my most recent smear and investigation - abnormal cells CIN2 and HPV positive again.

My DP has flipped, saying I have infected him with HPV, that he's never heard of it, never knew i'd had it etc. He's so angry with me and I'm in bits.

I've tried to explain that all my tests have been negative since before we got together, that I told Dr I had a new partner and nothing was raised about previous HPV and that it is very common (80% of people will have it once in their life and most never know they have it, their immune system just fights it off).

I am devastated by his reaction and absolutely mortified that he could think I would deliberately not tell him. I have nothing to gain from doing so.

Information regarding partners and risks for men is limited. I want to reassure him but I don't know how.

OP posts:
SallyStartsSinging · 25/07/2018 09:38

As far as I was aware men carry the HPV and pass it to us ! People who don’t have sex with a penis don’t get cervical cancers apparently as they get it from the man !

Does he think HPV is HIV Confused

LMW1990 · 25/07/2018 09:43

Its true that he may also have the virus from a previous partner but never have known or had symptoms but he says as I definitely knew I'd had it that its my fault and I should have been more clear. Perhaps I should.

No he knows the difference

OP posts:
QueenoftheNights · 25/07/2018 09:45

YOU have got HPV from him!
The only way you can get it- after the all clear before- is from a new partner. 80% of sexually active people have HPV.

If he has been your only partner since you had a negative screening for it, it's come from him. It can lie dormant but if they test for it I assume it's found and the 'dormancy' only applies to it not actually causing any problems, (rather than being undetactable.)

He has to be aware that unless he was a virgin when you met, he may well carry HPV. The only way to avoid it is never to have sex. Condoms can help of course and if he was really worried he'd have used them.

I think he needs to read up online about it.

QueenoftheNights · 25/07/2018 09:47

Its true that he may also have the virus from a previous partner but never have known or had symptoms

Men don't have any symptoms. The only way they do is if the virus is activated under the right conditions ( compromised immune system for example) and they start to develop penile cancer ( a tiny spot) .

LMW1990 · 25/07/2018 09:49

HPV can lie dormant. I've spoken to Jos Trust to confirm this so we can't be sure either way. Apparently it may not show up on tests if dormant either. It's impossible to say if this is a reoccurance or new infection.

I just want to put his mind at ease as to what it means for him.

OP posts:
OurMiracle1106 · 25/07/2018 09:50

I’d be more upset that I have CIN2 and my partner isn’t providing support to me and is only thinking about himself despite it causing no issues to him.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 25/07/2018 09:50

He sounds ignorant. Leave him to get educated. He could book a gp appointment? Did he go for a full sti screen when he first met you (not saying hpv is an sti)? I don't think you've done anything wrong. Sounds like he could have passed it to you.

LordEmsworth · 25/07/2018 09:50

"Boys are not currently offered the HPV vaccine in schools. This is because the HPV vaccination programme was introduced to help protect women against cervical cancer, as high-risk HPV causes 99.7% of all cervical cancers. For other cancers, including those that affect men, fewer cases are linked to high-risk HPV. This means the HPV vaccine does not provide as much protection against those cancers."

Your partner sounds like a twat. When I got a high risk HPV result I specifically asked the GP about sexual partners and she said that there's no point telling them - basically, if you are under 40 and have had a sexual partner who has had sex with at least one other person, then you have a strain of HPV.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 09:51

He’s being completely ridiculous. No he probably hasn’t heard of HPV because it not treated like other sexually transmitted infections, but it’s wildly common, at least 80% of us older than the vaccine coming in.

If you never had a positive test for it before you almost certainly got it from him. Men don’t get symptoms, they just pass it on. Don’t feel bad, tell him to do some research and stop being so fucking stupid!

Branleuse · 25/07/2018 09:53

Hes infected you!

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 09:53

BTW I have HPV, CIN1 cells being monitored, and if my parter had ‘flipped’ or done anything other than be supportive I’d have told him to do one.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 09:54

Sorry you said you had a positive before this partner. Still extremely likely if not certain he already had it or has given you another strain.

LMW1990 · 25/07/2018 09:55

He's not usually like this, usually very supportive. I'm completely blindsided by his reaction to be honest.

Yes he did have a full screening when we met. He's booked the GP but can't get in until 16th August and we go on holiday in a week.

HPV does effect men. They can develop genital warts from some strains. I understand why he is anxious but taking it out on me won't resolve anything.

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 09:57

Men aren’t tested for HPV in any standard sexual health checks

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 09:58

HPV is honestly almost unavoidable. I understand even using condoms wouldn’t stop it because it can be passed on the surrounding skin of the genitals.

QueenoftheNights · 25/07/2018 10:10

HPV is an STI.

News this week as you will have all seen is that boys are now to be offered the HPV vaccine.

HPV can cause penile, anal and throat cancers in men (depending on their sexual behaviour) . penile cancer develops if conditions are right for it to develop ( a compromised immune system and oral/ topical immunosuppressant drugs.) It's rare, and when men do get penile cancer they are often unaware of the signs and it's not detected until they are older and then it's much harder to treat.

Over50andfab · 25/07/2018 10:15

I would say it sounds like the OP’s DP was caught by surprise on something he knows nothing about. Hopefully he’ll come round and be more supportive.

The HPV virus has around 150 different strains and the vaccine protects against the worst of them. @LordEmsworth It has actually just yesterday been approved to be given to boys age 12-13 in England (already approved in Scotland and Wales).

itbemay · 25/07/2018 10:19

He sounds charming.... I doubt he would have been screened for HPV when he had his STI screen, he could have passed it to you or vica-versa, you wont know, I would be more concerned about his reaction.

Rikalaily · 25/07/2018 10:21

If he's had previous unprotected sex, chances are he was already infected. Tell him to take his head from up his arse, how can he be so bloody offended when standard STI screenings for men do not test for it, he wouldn't know if he had it beforehand or not unless he developed warts.

LMW1990 · 25/07/2018 19:21

Well, we sat down and talked it through. I got him to call Jo's Trust himself to speak to them and understand it better. He's apologised profusely and feels terrible about how he reacted. He said he just panicked, which I kind of understand. Back to being the supportive and great DP he usually is :)

OP posts:
NeeChee · 30/07/2018 23:19

The doctors never really explain the HPV result well. I was shocked when I got a positive result a few years back. I even went as far as calling my ex partner and telling him. I wish I hadn't, but I think it was a knee-jerk reaction. When I did more research I found out that almost everyone carries the virus or has had it at some point. I had a worrying few years where it kept coming back positive (your body is supposed to clear itself of the virus within a year or so) and a colposcopy too, but last year I tested clear for HPV :)

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