Name changer, regular, writing first novel.. would this make you want to read more???

[everyonehasanovelinthem]

As a teenager you dream about your 18th birthday. The day you finally become an adult. The liberation attached to magically entering the grown up world, where finally you can legally drink alcohol, legitimately get into clubs and if you are really lucky, get your first credit card.

The reality for most is a 'surprise' party, that you already know about, some presents that you don't really want and the burden of responsibility that finally comes knocking when you realise you are old enough to have to pay council tax...

What one doesn't envisage is being kidnapped. Or should that be adult napped? Either way, it is an unwished-for turn of events. And, also an extreme reaction and punishment, one would think, for the crime of sleeping with your best friends boyfriend.

Aimed at mid 20 + market. Criticism welcome!

It sounds very light chic-lit to me. Not my kind of read at all. So TBH I find that write-up a total turn-off (there are also a couple of punctuation errors).

However, if I liked chic-lit I suspect that I would think it sounded exciting .

sounds fairly interesting. my very first thought on reading scenario was - hang on, hasn't Barbara Vine written a very similar book (the birthday present), but my second thought is that there sounds to be a fair bit of difference.

It sounds like a good story but the only thing I thought of was that mid 20 year olds might not want to read about an 18 year old main character as it wouldnt be so relevant to their lives iyswim? More of a teen book..

its not about an 18 yr old. Thats just a starting point. It is about a 30 year old sahm who is 'relecting'. just thought that would be an interesting place to start....

is it your opener?

In which case you have just given away your story line with

for the crime of sleeping with your best friends boyfriend.

It will be really hard to regain the tension.

Lying face down in a fusty room in a disused house was not the way to spend an eighteenth birthday. Even the "suprise!" birthday with a cheap perfume from Great Aunty Agnes clinging to your jumper would be better. Even kissing her would be better. It certainly wasn't the first legal drink bought on a shiny new visa card paid for by Dad that she had been wishing for.

That way your reader will want to know why she is lying in a room face down.

I like your punchy sentences though.

can we read a bit of what you have already written?

at first glance the young adult market seems more suitable

Ok fair enough. I'd probably quite like to read it then. i like that style of book.
If it was clear in the blurb on the back that the character is older it would be a lot more appealing to me i'd say.

Sorry X posted... I thought it was a realtime protaginist thing goinig on.

it's not badly written, but it isn't unique in its style, imo

as a reader I prefer a more subtle start, I want to work out whats going on, its a bit like when someone wants to tell you something and drops really heavy hints to be mysterious, therefore forcing your attention

does that make sense? it does in my head anyway

saying that, I admire anyone who gives the whole writing lark a try, it isn't easy

I don't like "And, also an extreme reaction and punishment, one would think, for the crime of sleeping with your best friends boyfriend." - too clunky and gives too much away.

Like the rest though.

I wish I had inspiration - would love to write. Kind of need a plot and stuff for that though

I did like the face down paragraph, even if it isn't relevant!