He's Just Not That Into You

[EmiliaBassano]

We are reading this for our book group this month - a bit of an odd choice I thought but I'm starting it today. It looks a quick read - has anyone read it? Someone has posted in our WhatsApp that she thinks it's outdated that women can't ask men out. That they want the chase. Is this book like The Rules (that I avoided)? Has anyone read it? What do you think? I do remember seeing the film but that must be what, 15 years ago?

Some people don’t like this book because it breaks apart theories that many of us come up with to avoid admitting the very real truth of the title. It’s CNN probably a little bit dated now, but the essence of it is timeless.

if he’s not calling or texting back, it’s because he’s not that into (you).

some people are very sensitive and protective of their insistence that it’s because he fears commitment or he’s an avoidant attachment or something but this book breaks that defence down

I read it years ago I do think the concept of "he (or she) is just not that into you" is overly simplistic. It works functionally in that for whatever reason the relationship is not work / isn't going to happen. So I think that phrase is helpful in that it gives people left confused by another's actions some kind of closure and as humans we are notoriously bad at coping with lack of closure. So that can help people move on and stop them ruminating on it or hoping for closure and it can make us feel clear eyed and strong. However we can't really know what another person thought or felt in any situation, they may not even fully understand themselves and so while such maxims are useful bits of "pop psychology" they inevitably reduce the full complexity of such situations and are ultimately just another comforting story we tell ourselves.

I read it over 15 probably almost 20 years ago so can imagine a lot of the concepts are out of date. Especially as dating apps and things weren’t a thing when the book was published. It was based much more on meeting men at a bar, through friends or at work. When in an era of no one drinks as much, working from home that’s harder to achieve.

I read it years ago, it’s from the Sex in the City era, they did an episode on the concept! Anyway, although it’s probably outdated in many ways, I’d say the broad concept is probably generally applicable, essentially that if a man isn’t making an effort and is messing you around then he’s probably not that bothered. The book is quite different to the film as it’s a non-fiction book.

I'm about three quarters of the way through it and it all does actually make sense, it's entertaining and amusing and sad in parts. To borrow some of the book layout ...

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, BY EMILIA

After going on a few dates with a guy for about three weeks, who I had liked for around a month prior to that, he cancelled a midweek date by leaving a message with my dad! I called him and asked if something was wrong. He said no, and he would see me on Saturday as planned. When he dropped me off he said that he didn't think we should see each other any more. I asked why and he said I liked him more than he liked me (an unambiguous way of how to say "I'm just not that into you"!) I asked what I hd done wrong and he said nothing, he wasn't ready to settle down. He kissed me goodbye and that was that. I was very upset of course and cried but he was clear and direct. I continued to see him around and chatted on a friendly basis for a long time. We were quite young then.

You are allowed to be "not that into" someone but the manner in which you tell them is what counts.

This should be on Relationships!

That book changed my life in my 20s

I thought it was good. Similar to the Rules I think it does have quite an American idea of dating but overall good message and saved me a lot of angst!

Not read this, but the mention of not asking men out reminded me of another book - "Some Girls Do", by Margaret Leroy.

I had a couple of dates with a guy who was a building site manager who then started making excuses he was busy at work and with his extension at home. After reading this I realised it was a penis extension.