I'm writing a book about being a mum of kids with autism. But I don't think I'm doing very well and am about to abandon it.
I do not want to waste my time - and I can take it if you tell me that my writing is a bit pants!
I have pasted 2 little bits of my book for you to take a look at, if you feel like it and if you have time (I'm not ordering you or anything.... )
Please be honest, if you think I'm not good enough and I am fooling myself, please say so, I shall not be at all offended.
------
I read somewhere that dolphins are never fully asleep. That only half their brain is sleeping at a time. I know what that's like because I have been doing that for nearly 8 years. The slightest noise and I am awake and ready to go, or more accurately, to prevent/ restrain or rescue. On this occasion however, the footsteps were approaching, not trying to sneak down the stairs or into the bathroom. I opened an eye. Horizontal was standing by the bed. "For Mummy" he said and extended his arms, hands clasped together. "Hurg a murgle" I grunted. I don't regain the power of speech until at least my 4th coffee but roughly translated it's "A present for mummy? How kind, thank you".
I held out my hand. This was a rookie mistake and I should have known better. Rule no 1. Always look first. Anyway, too late and I was now holding a large, warm, slightly moist poo. "Mwrunf" I said ("Thank you".)
I'm dreading Mother's Day.
---------
This second bit is something I wrote yonks ago for a blog I was doing but abandoned, and have now stuck in my book attempt!
International Tantrum Scale explained.
I.T.S. 1
The smallest eruption on the ITS. Characterised by reddening of face and stiffening of limbs. Accompanied by high pitched wailing and 'Mexican wave' type tremble beginning at subject's toes and ending by vibrating of subject's hair.
Diffusion Strategies
Make 'em laugh. Pull a silly face, do a daft dance, they forget to paddy! (Although you are subsequently banned from Tesco)
I.T.S.2
More violent than the I.T.S.1, but still manageable. Contains all the characteristics of the I.T.S.1, with the helpful addition of holding of breath until subject loses consciousness. Variation on the I.T.S.2 is for subject to retain consciousness, but to retch until lunch is regurgitated over hapless parent.
Diffusion Strategies
Alone time. Secure area. Walk away. (not suitable in all environments)
I.T.S.3
Subject resorts to fisticuffs. Flailing of limbs becomes less random and instead is aimed at hapless parent's head and sensitive bits. Subject may also grab breakable objects nearby and hurl them with unerring accuracy at hapless parent's head. Screaming now beats Boeing 747 for sheer volume, with added bonus of being so highly pitched that every window in the house is shattered. Hapless parents glasses are also, sadly, lost at this time.
Diffusion Strategies
Squash-em-and-see. Sit on subject. Wrap arms and legs round body and tuck head into back of subject, to protect yourself! Hapless parent permitted to amuse self by putting hand repeatedly over subject's mouth to create wa-wa-wa-wa sound. Ensure subject has no access to weapon or hapless parent for 48 hours after indulging in this high-risk form of entertainment.
I.T.S.4
Remarkable combination of I.T.S.1, 2 and 3, plus scream so shrill that only dogs can hear it. Methodical and well-planned smashing of everything breakable and many things marketed as unbreakable. Glorious smearing of subject's faeces over walls, floor, cat and hapless parent. Series of punches, kicks and bites that would floor Tyson. Hapless parent subsequently sports wonderful black eye and split lip, prompting questions about state of hapless parent's marriage. Subject may also experience head rotation and spontaneous expulsion of pea soup.
Diffusion Strategies
Call in SAS. They have tear gas and bazookas.