pro's and con's of boarding schools?Help needed

[skanger]

Dh and I are tentatively thinking of boarding school for ds and I'm curious to know peoples opinions .Dh and I are a bit divided -most of rl friends sons go-and dont know what to think or do.Only new to the whole MN thing so please be gentle.

The only successful "boarding school" famioy we know are friends where both parents work ridiculous hours and the children go to school on Monday morning and come home on Friday evening . It works for them because the parents can work without worrying about the children and the children know where they are and are safely and happily cared for during the week. ~Of course, IMHO it would be better id the parents worked less - seems bizarre to work all the hours available in order to pay school fees so that parents can work all the hours available.....

It would be utterly bizarre to send him because all your friend's children go. You don't mention anything circumstantial so am assuming you are thinking of sending him just because that's what the other people you know do. My advice...if it's not a circumstantial need for him to go then don't listen to anyone else and follow what your own heart wants for your son...and if your heart wants him to be elsewhere then that's really sad...but something only you & your dh should decide.

Even monday-friday you are sending your child for someone else tolook after them. Look after them yourself!!

I went from 11, my dad worked overseas, we moved every 4 yrs so no continuity as far as schools went (plus I asked to go, and got to pick the school).
It was OK most of the time, unbearable some and wonderful some.
I liked the sixth form (most kids civilised by then) and can just about imagine sending my two off for sixth form somewhere if they seemed keen and local options were limited -- and if we could afford it which seems very unlikely.
Absolutely not for the feral years though (12-15 in my day, I expect it starts earlier now).

This thread does make me wonder whether anyone on here went to my school. Horrible thought

I wouldn't do boarding for under 11 and I would only do weekly boarding. But we are considering it in the future for DS:

pro's;
he's an only child and loves other kids company
You get more choice in private schools - ie once you've decided to pay you can chose a school you really agree with whereas with state you often are stuck with the one in your catchment area
I think teenage boys (and girls but don't have a girl) often prefer being with their mates than their parents
We could really focus on family time at weekends
He would have consistant good quality care all day rather than a mismatch of school and after school care
Good facilities
Good opportunity for out of school activities; not restricted by a parent being available to drive him there, or be competant in football/art whatever to help coach him
Can improve chances of entry into certain jobs/universities
promotes independance, maturity and self sufficiency etc (however this might just be that the kids would be like that anyway cos the parents are prepared to invest in their kids education/manners)

Cons:
you can miss your kid
they can miss you
they could feel rejected
it can be more difficult to spot bullying in boarding
expensive (i don't actually think it is if you factor in having to pay for out of school stuff / additional childcare)
people think you are posh or snobby
people assume you don't love your kids

I have some friends who boarded and loved it and I have some who hated it.

The only thing I could possibly advise, is to know your child and try to predict which camp he is likely to be in.

I could not send a child away to school, far less if they hated it.

Riab - you could get nearly all of that in a private school if those are the things you would worry about with a state school - you don't need to board to get them. The only things you couldn't get with a private school that you could with boarding is convienience to the parent re: having to drive them to after-school things....which doesn't actually seem to have any bearing on the child's interests.

Ellaroo, I honestly think it is possible that weekly boarding would give more fulfillment in all of these:
I think teenage boys (and girls but don't have a girl) often prefer being with their mates than their parents
We could really focus on family time at weekends
He would have consistant good quality care all day rather than a mismatch of school and after school care
Good opportunity for out of school activities; not restricted by a parent being available to drive him there, or be competant in football/art whatever to help coach him
promotes independance, maturity and self sufficiency etc

and i don't think the question of him getting to out of school stuff is not related to his interests?!?!? I wasn't talking about us not wanting to drive him to activities i was talking about the real possibility we might not be able to do so!
Getting a 13 yr old to football practise or art club for 6pm on the other side of the county when you don't finish work until 5 or 5.30pm and then being able to give them the chance to spend time with their mates isn't always doable.
DH spent his teenage yrs biking a 20 mile roudn rip 3 times a week to get to his activities and i spent alot of mine sitting folornly on the edge of the school/youth club site waiting for my parents (both teachers 30 miles away) to get through the traffic in time to collect me.

But thats my opinions and choices and we're not there yet. In reply to the OP I think the big questions I'd ask myself are:
what is the school you are thinking of like?
how far away is it?
what are the local state/private day schools like?
what would it mean financially?
and most important of all,
what does your son think?

I am constantly amazed at mnetters and rl people who think that just because you pay for an education it's somehow better. I have met hideously behaved children fron state schools and from private schools. I have met sad children from state and private schools. And I have met very sucessful children from both sectors. Just because you apy doresn't mean you get soemthing better!

I was a day girl at a boarding school and although alot of the girls liked it, there was also a huge number of girls who were really f'd up by it. Lot's of eating disorders, bad relationships etc.

My friend was sent to school at 4, he didn't even have his own room at home, just whatever guestroom was available. Needless to say he had a crap relationship with his parents and saw them as a bank only.

I couldn't bear to be parted from my dd for any reason.

IMHO quality time is a myth. Children need time - good, bad and mediocre. What if the time you want to set aside as quality time happens to be the time they want to set aside as lying-brainlessly-on-a beanbag-watching-Disney-channel time?

"promotes independance, maturity and self sufficiency etc (however this might just be that the kids would be like that anyway cos the parents are prepared to invest in their kids education/manners)"

I can see what you're driving at here - I've heard versions of it many times, having been to boarding school - but I found this a bit much, really. There are well-brought-up, mature young people whose parents deliberately didn't choose to send them away to school. There are also plenty of loving and dedicated parents who simply cannot afford to "invest in their education/manners" in the way you suggest - their children aren't always the worse for it. Private isn't always better.

There is one school of thought that says good parenting involves "investing" your time, love and patience in your children's upbringing rather than just your salary.

lucy5, my school had a huge number of eating disorders etc and it was state. There are good and bad state and private schools.

Curlew:
I think the difference with private is not that we all think if you pay (twice) for it its better but that if you pay privatly for it you get more choice. If we went state DS would have a choice between 3 schools, one only got 9% in 2005 GCSE scores and its teachers are leaving in drives. Another is better but catholic - and we aren't, the third is okay (ish) but still well below national average GCSE scores, its a sports specialist college and the rest of the facilities are ropey.
If we chose private we have more direct control over the type of school he goes to. So by paying we do get a potentially better education because we have 'free' choice.
hopefully by the time we get to that point we will have moved, but you never know.

Haven't read all the thread, and there are obviously pros and cons to each type of education.

I just wouldn't want to send my children somewhere where the people who look after them don't love them.

I'm sure the school staff are kind and well trained, and treat the children well etc, etc, but they aren't their family, and they don't love them.

I would rather my children lived amongst their family.

That's true riab. I just feel that alot of girls at my school were perhaps able to get away with it because the matrons weren't that hot.

Some people just dont get the point. Why have children if you are not prepared to look after them yourself? Children need love not money

I think that the question you need to be asking is "which school is best for ds (and the whole family unit)"? In order to answer the question you need to look at your particular range of options - for some people it is just the local state schools in their catchment, for others it will include state selective schools, for others private/independent schools are an option, and finally if you can afford boarding you open up a larger choice of schools.

You then need to look at the schools and decide. You may find that a particular boarding school is so obvioulsy the best choice that the fact that it is boarding is in itdelf far less relevant. Or you may find a day school that is far superior than any of the alternatives. I suspect that if you feel that that particular school is best then you will find a way around any day to day hassle of travelling (not saying that that is the OP's issue).

Dh's parents moved a lot and he went through a lot of schools, including moving areas totally in the equivalent of sixth form a year before exams. He hates them for moving but is very adjusted - makes friends easily etc.

SIL was next child - she would have had to move in sixth form too - and so they left her with some other people so she could finish school.

BIL got worst deal - he was sent to boarding school for high school. He is not well adjusted at all and has issues.

I think with each child they were trying to better their mistakes - however "just don't keep bloody moving" would have been a better piece of advice than "don't change schools during the sixth form".

we all by now realise that independence comes from attachment security in childhood don't we?

we get that babies don't need to be left to cry. that small children need one to one care by someone that gives a shit.

and that the children that grow up feeling loved and cherished end up the most independent.

now, you could argue that a child was loved and cherished at boarding school....but it's a tough argument to make.

the tendency with those that went to boarding school is to an avoidant attachment style. this manifests in toddlers as not indicating to the parent that they care if the parent leaves the room (despite stress levels going through the roof as shown through heart monitors etc). that is the toddler version. the adult version is 'i had a great time, i was fine, it was great'.

i think that boarding school is fine from 13/14 onwards providing the impetus to go has come from the child.

conversely i think that sending children to boarding school aged 7 or below is tantamount to abuse and should be illegal.

Good post sophable.

Excellent post, sophable.

I really don't see the difference between putting a seven year old in boarding school and putting them in care. Except boarding school is more expensive and less selective.
I know, harsh, but I think it is wrong. If a teenager really, really wants to do it, and it was part time that's different. But you know, if it was full time, I'd still say no.

cor thanks ladies....

tis a subject close to my heart....i never went but dh did....he's a recovering boarding school attender!

I have a teenager and you know, they really do need you. They won't admit it, but they do.