Things that really wind you up in novels

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I just finished reading a 'chick-lit' book (not how it was marketed but it most definitely was, IMO) where the heroine starts out as an ambitious, independent professional who seems like she might be an interesting character for once, then as soon as A Man appears she turns to mush and reveals that all this strong exterior is just a facade she's putting up to stop her heart being broken again. Sigh. To make things worse you could tell she was going to fall for him from about page 20 because a) they hated each other and b) his wife was conveniently dead, AND it had one of those 'quirky' The Quaintly-Named Suburban Avenue Ladies' Flower Arranging Society type titles. It was a shame because otherwise it wasn't a badly written book, it was just ruined for me by too many cliches... What things in a novel make you sigh and think 'Oh God, it's one of those books'?

I think you are right but do we know for sure Hogwarts actually is in Scotland? I know the train leaves from Kings Cross and I've staggered around under that viaduct but has JKR confirmed it actually is in Scotland?

Sex scenes written by a man but from the point of view of a female character.
I laboured through each page of 'miss smilla's feeling for snow' some years back. Put it in the bag for the charity shop at the point where HE the author describes how SHE the woman, fucked (authors word) a male character.
completely and utterly bizarre.
and so bloody annoying that nearly 20 years on I still remember the sentence but it's so cringe worthy that I can't bring myself to type it out.
Also I have never met anone else who thought the activity described was anything other than laughable.
I was going to list this book as the worst I've ever read (well half of it) on the other thread but it's a better fit here.

One of the worst books I have ever started was Sepulchre by Kate Mosse - I tolerated Labyrinth but Sepulchre took it too far.

I think it was the amazingly beautiful, young, innocent but edgy, brilliant historian, who was travelling around that ruddy bit of France where weird things happen. She was of course beautiful enough to have guys falling in love with her at first sight who also happened to be experts with amazing contacts/uncles/fathers also in that line of academia... Who always just stumbled into the bar at the amazing place she was staying just at the right time...

I'm well aware that it's possible to be clever and beautiful but every time...!!!????

Where is the story about the fat sociologist who found out something despite being ignored by every bloke on the planet...???

Many years ago, I wrote a novel and submitted it for publication. The story was about a girl next door character who got involved with a gang of criminals and ended up being seduced/corrupted by their lifestyle. I'm not saying it was the greatest novel ever, but it was turned down as it did not follow 'the storyline our readers wish to follow'.This was because the lead character was not heroic. The fact is chick lit is a formula that sells in huge quantities and whilst the market is happy to buy it, publishing houses will dictate to novelists how they are to write their books.

Igne exactly!

And even in North of England/ Midlands in June it is still light at 9.30 - 10 pm so if hogwarts is anywhere in the UK then it won't be dark at 8pm in June.

Ian Rankin dropped a clanger in one of his Rebus books when a character observes a robin hanging upside down on a bird feeder. Wrong. That's tits. Robins are ground feeders. Surprising lapse because he has a plot in another novel that hinges on a character identifying a bearded reedling as part of an 'alibi'

Where is the story about the fat sociologist who found out something despite being ignored by every bloke on the planet...???

Write it Bathsheba, I'd read it!

Id read any book where the heroine was bigger than a size 14 ( and later discovers she's lost at least 2 dress sizes through break-up sadness or dashing around arranging her wedding.)

Bigger people have lives too.

Three pet hates. A book that promises so much and absolutely nothing of any worth or indeed any storyline happens whatsoever. Yes Christopher Ransome - I'm looking at you and your Birthing House fiasco.

Second. A novel that fits a type. I can browse through a charity shop and look at covers and note which books take place in either Liverpool/the East End, turn of the century, poverty stricken girl finds herself and usually an illegitimate child "foisted" on her by a man of a higher social class, only to find love with the blacksmith.

Third. Headless women on historical novel covers.

Dido you should read Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie.

In a good or bad way timewarp?

hackmum, you're probably right. It wouldn't have been my first choice of book anyway but it was lent to me by someone whose house I was staying at when I forgot my own - I wasn't expecting much, but mainly I was disappointed because it actually started quite well.

Does anyone know what started this quirky title trend? Did it begin with The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (which I quite like) or does it go further back than that?

In a good way, I enjoyed it. And the author has a higher degree in English lit so the grammar is good.

Dalekanium, tell that to the robin that was lamming its beak into the fatballs in the hanging feeder in my garden this morning and let poor Ian Rankin off.
(Though I can't be arsed with the Rebus books, just another depressed alcoholic detective with a liking for bad jazz music).

Yeah, our robins feed on the feeders too!!

I Have a few hates:

One is where the hero/heroine can tell the future. ie. Whenever they say "ooh, the enemy might do this, lets work out what to do"... then the enemy does it, and they're sorted just in the nick of time. There's a very good children's book, really good adventure, but they suffer terribly from that. You know they've been kidnapped and in this room for the last 2 days... it suddenly occurs to one of them to suggest they hide the knife they naturally keep in their pocket in case they are searched by the guards. They have to hide it hurriedly as the door is unlocked as the guards come in and... search them.
Similarly when they discover the secret passge/police arrive/Timmy arrives (yes I am looking very strongly at Enid Blyton for this) just as they are cornered.

My other hate is not following a hint of further excitement. The "Later on she was to realise how important that was...". And you get to the end of the book, and realise that hasn't been followed up, so you go back through to discover that was the last mention of it.

And the poor research on something that is easy to check. I remember reading while at university a Hardy Boys book. I bought it because it was set in my university: Oxford. However the author had made not the least but of research because they'd made Oxford a campus university in the American fashion. Now the teeniest bit of research would have found this out, not really hard to do. If you're not going to do that little bit of research to set the scene, then why bother making it there. Make up a university or similar.

And lastly the poor imitation of a well known book. Believe it or not, when I was a child I was given the first book in a series. This book had three children from this world, finding their way to another land which has been covered with snow (and never Christmas) because a witch takes over. And the land is saved by someone giving themselves as a sacrifice to save the children.
And it isn't Narnia.
Now the second book in the series is totally different and actually really good. So why the author (who I think was reasonably well known before he wrote them) thought that doing a poor imitation of The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe was a good idea. Moreso, why on earth the publisher didn't look at them and tell them to find their own plot?
The author wrote I think 5 in the series, 1 was a total imitation, 2 and 3 were very good, 4 did my second hate, and I don't think I've read 5.

novels where people are able to 'throw together' a 'quick supper' from 'whatever's in the fridge'. In my case that would fuck all, and plenty of it.

Novels where the speaker's responds verbingly: 'yes' he wondered, 'sod off' she retorted 'i can't take it' she sobbed.

Novels where there are more cliches per page than the legal limit, which is, of course, zero.

Novelists who write ALL their sentences in the passive voice: 'it was a sad day in january when she finally posted on MN'; 'having already given up all hope of an early night, she decided to stay up and watch the dawn'

there are too many shite writers around to waste our time with. I love that feeling when you open a new book and by the end of the first paragraph you know you are in the hands of someone who can actually write.

Oh yes when the woman comes home and throws together a quick supper and a bottle of wine. Quick supper is always something fancy like chorizo crusted fish on a bed of spinach

SolidGoldBrass and CocktailQueen

There may well have been a robin on your feeders, but upside down? Pix or GTFO.

There's far too many books published these days. It used to be an achievement. Now I find myself sifting through standard writing with over trotted out tails. It's tate I find an original gem.

TALES

Ffs

However, I did really enjoy the books I read recently in which the woman was a small town runner-of-morge*
It had so many cliches and silly side lines like her parents were criminals who hid stuff in the morgue but I enjoyed it anyway

*i am aware this isn't the phrase im pissed and can't think of the name

Yes, and books printed these days are far too looooooong. If you look at the average novel from the 1940's they come in at around 250 pages. The average book these days seems to be 500 pages minimum.

More editing needed!

Yes, and books printed these days are far too looooooong. If you look at the average novel from the 1940's they come in at around 250 pages. The average book these days seems to be 500 pages minimum.

More editing needed!