dear husband is overweight and doesn't care - i do. How do i persuade him to lose weight?

[silvermum]

I reckon he's at least two stone overweight, which isn't drastic, but it's only going to get worse. He doesn't seem to care. I hate the way it looks and worry about the health implications. He is 46. He does exercise but he drinks to excess and I suspect his cholesterol is through the roof because he eats so much cheese I am ashamed of myself for saying this but I am now finding it hard to fancy him . I am sure people will rush to criticise me for this and I wish i was not so superficial. I admit i should be able to see past it. But i can't. I have tried to encourage him to lose weight in a gentle, diplomatic way - i don't want to hurt him by admitting my feelings - but he just doesn't seem to care. As a family we are not junk food eaters. It is the booze and late night snacking (toast, cheese, whatever is in the fridge) that does for him.
Do I rack up the pressure/admit my feelings? If so, how do i find the right words? Can anyone think of a kind and effective way to tackle this or do i just have to accept this is the way it's going to be? I realise he will never lose weight unless he wants to.

two stone is quite a lot although taller people can carry it better. I don't think you are remotely superficial, I actually think you are concerned for all the right , kind hearted reasons. You are also right in that he won't really lose the weight until he decides to, but maybe some tough talking is in order: show him a photo of how he used to be? cut out an obesity article from the newspapers and ask him to read it? make hom an appt at his GP's? you need to be straight with him - you can be straight without being cruel. Good luck.

thanks. he's not particularly tall - 5ft9in and weighs over 13.5st. I think the optimum weight for his height is about 11.5st. he dresses well to cover it but looks pretty awful sans clothes!
it rankles me all the more because i have worked really hard to keep my own figure - not only for myself but also to stay attractive for him. He makes it clear he likes me to look slim. I'm making him sound a bit of a pig, but he isn't...just a typical bloke!

Unfortunately your last sentence is the truth and reality here. Until that changes you won't change anything or make him see. Could your dr give him a nudge though perhaps?

poor bloke.

13.5 stone is not bloatingly huge.

you do sound shallow tbh-how would you feel if he said he didn't fancy you anymore because of your weight? surely fancying someone is about so much more than the way they look at any one time? surely it's about the way you feel about them, if they make you laugh, if they are tender and considerate of your feelings, or if you have a huge shared history together? not just the way someone looks?

i find therse threads so incredibly sad.

ther ewill never be a good/right way t say to him 'i don't fancy you anymore because of the way you look'

maybe sit and have a chat about how you think the two of you should go on a health kick for the new year or something?

yes, it is shallow, i agree. but i can't help the way i feel-i'm just being honest. i'm not a bad person, and it doesn't mean i don't love him. on the contrary, i want him to be around as long as possible, and that means being a healthy weight. If i put on 2st, i'd fully expect him to be encouraging me to sort it out. society judges overweight women a lot more harshly than it judges overweight men - or perhaps more accurately, overweight women probably judge themselves a lot more harshly than overweight men do...

and i think that is one good thing about men. they don't tie up their worth with their appearance in the way we do which makes them a lot healthier mentally.

Do you d the food shopping and meal preparation?

If you do, can't you put him on a diet without him knowing? Preparing healthier meals, having less naughties in the house, swapping to lower calorie alternatives like reduced fat cheese etc?

Failing that could you ask him to exercise with you? Maybe try to get him to take up something like squash with you, or badminton or swimming? Tell him its because you want to spend quality time with him or because you need the motivation to exercise yourself.