Please help to talk me out of my weight loss rut!

[DiscoElysia]

I'd be so grateful for help talking myself out of a rut!

I always used to be somewhere between a size 8 and 10 and a healthy' weight according to BMI (which I know is a flawed measure). I was definitely always a bit of an untoned 'skinny fat' person, as a past boyfriend once kindly put it... Then came the cliches: a happy relationship with my now-DH where I relaxed into bad eating habits, work stress, having a child... I started 2026 as officially obese and pretty unhappy with myself.

I started Slimming World earlier this year, lost 3.5 stone relatively easily (fast at the start, then slow and steady), and am officially a healthy BMI again. Felt loads better and way more confident, although am still about 1.5 stone off my ideal weight (which I've picked out as a weight in the lower half of the healthy BMI and at which my favourite clothes would be likely to fit again).

Almost no one has noticed my weight loss though, which I think speaks to the aforementioned skinny fat thing and perhaps to my success at covering myself up at my largest.

I've just been on a camping holiday with family and friends - a lot of sitting around in the sun and trips to the beach. I've had a lovely time but my newfound body confidence has plummeted. I still don't look nice in a bikini. It has also reminded me that when I used to be objectively fairly slim, I still didn't like how I looked or feel comfortable in my own skin. Now I have new stretch marks and the effects of ageing to add into the mix.

It has left me with a sense that I'll never look good enough and that all my efforts have been a bit pointless. Feeling seriously demotivated and have put on a few pounds in the last fortnight through holiday indulgence and lack of effort.

I know that it's still good to have lost weight regardless for health reasons alone. I know that I won't usually be half naked in front of people in day to day life. I also know that if I want to be more toned, I need to break my lifetime determination to avoid strength training (have always been happy doing cardio like running and very long walks but find the gym terrifying and have lacked the discipline for home workouts).

It feels like I'm at a crossroads where I could so easily let the progress slip away. I'm also annoyed that I was naive enough to tie my self esteem to the scales, forgetting that losing weight doesn't magically cure self-esteem issues.

Oh, and I've had more people purving on me lately, which I suppose I could choose to take as a self-esteem boost but which has left me feeling angry and miserable and missing the invisibility I enjoyed when I was larger. I've always hated most male attention and found it hard to cope with in a confident manner - it has always left me feeling sort of guilty and grubby. So that's another thing.

I think it's the heat..it turns men into perverts. I've both experienced and observed the same behaviour towards other women.
I have started following Growwithjo on youtube, I know you say you don't have the motivation but it's quite motivating when you see your podgy soft body toning up with a smaller toned waist and rounder firm glutes! If I can do it a few times a week after an 11-12 hr working day (incl a 2.5hr commute a day) and then once on a weekend then could you?
There's only so long you can keep up with calorie counting with a small tdee, for me its 1470 at 5ft 3", without trying to raise the BMR through exercise unfortunately. This is why so many of us lapse when we are shorter because the amount of calories to maintain at sedentary in office jobs is ridiculously small.

why don’t you look nice in a bikini? You have lost 3.5stone. Even if you hadn’t, I’m sure you looked nice. This is you and you need to stop being so down on yourself.

If you think about it our bodies are amazing. All bodies are beautiful. Be proud of your achievements. You don’t need others to validate that.

I also think people will have noticed, they are just too polite to say. (I lost similar and it’s defo noticeable).

People will have noticed you going from obese to a healthy weight; it's just that most people won't comment on it, as they won't know if it's deliberate weight loss or if you have a health issue that's caused it. Or they don't feel it's appropriate to comment on your body uninvited. If you talk about your exercise and fitness, you may find people are happy to comment on your weight loss.

You say that you'll never look good enough and that all your efforts have been pointless. I would ask, "good enough" for whom or for what purpose?

In terms of your efforts being pointless - was the weight loss only ever about looks, or have you never considered the health benefits of not being obese/overweight and the wellbeing benefits of being and feeling fitter?

If you don't like the gym, can you find an activity that you do enjoy that would bring strength benefits?

Thank you everyone for the lovely and helpful responses.
@Mysticmaiden I will look at Growwithjo. Your routine / responsibilities do sound like a lot! If you've still been able to find the time and focus for this then I might be able to as well. Thanks for sharing what has been helpful for you. Also giggling to your heat / purviness connection.

@MongoosePerfume and @SilenceInside , you are both totally right. I do wonder where this image of how I supposedly need to be comes from and why it is so powerful. And no losing weight shouldn't be a looks alone thing.

Ok I will be quite blunt, if you want a toned body it doesn’t magically appear at all number on the scales. You need fo work out. And create it.

right now, you’re feeling miserable you don’t have one, whilst refusing to undertake the actions to get one.

pick your hard op, do you wish to be fat and miserable, slim and miserable, slim and toned and miserable for only 30 mins a day whilst you work out?

because there is no way to achieve what you wish without work. I’m sorry. There simply isn’t,

‘’on the weight loss injection threads I see so many women who lose weight, feel great in clothes but then utterly miserable in their underwear or swimwear as they don’t like what they see.

everyone knows you need to work out to be toned. So I’d say start. Getting fat again isn’t the answer, just start working out.

Polite, well mannered people, won't comment on your body size (fat or thin).

Congratulations on the weight loss so far. You can only do it for you, not other people.

Sounds like you need to complement it with exercise now to tone up. Unfortunately you will need to find the discipline for exercise - maybe try home pilates or weights.

I think that you reach a point where something is bothering you so much that you do something about it. It happened with you where you got off your literally fat arse, joined SW and lost weight. I'd say you are getting to that point now where you know that you need to do some weights and there is no way round it. The fact that you lost 3.5 stone is fantastic and shows that you have the determination to follow things through.

As for body image... the only thing that has helped me is time and age. I tell myself my body is amazing - it can lift really heavy weights, it can run for two hours without stopping and it has grown two whole new human beings and exclusively nourished them for 6 months. I am much less bothered by worrying about what other people might think about it than I used to be, but I still wish I was slim and fitter and that my wrinkles and saggy and baggy bits would disappear but I know they won't.

I think you need to look at strength training tbh. It doesn’t really matter what weight you are if you have a strong toned body. Don’t let all the hard work you’ve put in slip as that will only knock your confidence more. Instead of focusing on how you look focus on how you feel. I guarantee with strength training your confidence will rise and you will feel strong. Do it for you tho, not so others think you look good. It doesn’t have to be much, just commit to 3xs a week for maybe 30
minutes. There are plenty of online/you tube vids you can start with if the gym sounds too daunting right now.

As a pp has said, most people nowadays won’t mention someone’s weight. I certainly wouldn’t unless they raised the subject.