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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Does your OH accidentally sabotage your weight loss? Sorry it’s long!

22 replies

WoIsMe · 16/06/2026 09:10

My DH eats erratically. Sometimes he’ll have a massive breakfast; two eggs, two slices of extra thick back bacon, three chipolatas and black pudding, which is about 900 calories - and he’ll make the same for me even though there’s no way I should be eating as much food as him. He gets a lot of steps in walking to and from the train station (at least 90 minutes per day) and does 10k runs a few times a week plus he’s muscular, whereas I work from home and struggle to fit exercise into my week. Other days he’ll skip breakfast and lunch because he has rushed out to catch his train in the morning and he never has lunch at work. Then, on those evenings, he’s naturally still hungry after dinner so he’ll make himself some chicken wings or fry up a couple of bratwurst or some chorizo. Everyone else in the family hates it; the DCs say they get hungry when they smell food cooking at bedtime. I’ve found myself sitting watching tv with him, trying to hold my nose because he's eating Chinese takeaway and I’ve already had three meals that day, trying to eat sensibly.

Then there’s alcohol. On Sunday, he had half a bottle of wine, a strawberry daiquiri, a Tom Collins and a mojito which is about 900 calories and at least 11 units of alcohol. Every time he made a cocktail he asked me whether I wanted one but then he made a big deal about me starting the bottle of wine without him but I only had one glass while I was making the Sunday roast dinner - while he was at the pub where he probably had a couple of pints of beer, he would definitely have had at least one on top of the wine and cocktails! I had another glass and a half of wine with my dinner and a Tom Collins with him in the evening and I feel like that was a lot for me. I only drink alcohol on Fridays and Sundays whereas he sometimes has a glass of wine or a beer on weekdays so he has a much higher alcohol tolerance than me.

I know I’m the only one that’s responsible for what I eat and drink but I do feel that his eating and drinking has an impact on me. He lost about a stone in weight when he started running again after a long recovery from injury and he clearly burns a lot more calories than me every day - the man never sits still! So he isn’t trying to lose weight whereas I gained a lot of weight when I started progesterone for HRT and it’s been an absolute bugger to try and shift the weight. It’s all very well to have weight loss goals and try to calorie count but it’s so hard when DH has gone and got a Chinese takeaway after he’s had his dinner!

Does anyone else have a similar experience and what did you do? I can hardly stop him eating if he hasn’t had breakfast and lunch but it is hard for me to sit drinking herbal tea at night while he’s chowing down on something delicious. And he does put pressure on me to eat with him because he doesn’t always want to cook something just for himself. The same with the cocktails, he doesn’t always ask me, sometimes he just hands me a drink and it’s really hard to go and pour it down the sink because I didn’t want it.

OP posts:
TwiggyShrimp · 16/06/2026 09:14

I had to accept that others goals and priorities are different to mine and not expect them to help or deter my actions.

Once you truly accept that, you won't be influenced or bothered by what other people are doing because they're not you.

Lost and maintained a loss of over 14 stone, for over 20 years, so have taken my own advice.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/06/2026 09:30

I am overweight and struggle to lose weight and I have a tall slim DH who runs and struggles to keep weight on. I've mostly just accepted that he needs to eat more than me. He regularly eats toast and jam and hour or so after dinner and he loves a biscuit or to with his coffee. You just have to accept he can eat what he wants to eat. Maybe you need to remind him not to try and pressure you into eating/drinking along with him.

ilovemybluesharpie · 16/06/2026 09:38

You need to talk to him about this. he is obviously trying to lose weight himself, so should be supporting you with yours.

DustyMaiden · 16/06/2026 09:39

I have salad he has chips. I have celery sticks he has doorstop toast and half a pot of Jam. I have fruit he has cake and custard. It’s so unfair.

redboxer321 · 16/06/2026 09:40

My ex gf said it was easier to not over eat when in a same sex relationship than when she lived with a man. That's one option I suppose 😂

JFDIYOLO · 17/06/2026 00:24

Men need more calories than women just to stay the same weight. If he's far more active than you, he needs far more calories you do. Accept it.

Make your own nutritious meal plan, count calories sensibly, cook for yourself and note what you've eaten.

Nonnim · 17/06/2026 00:52

Can he not have the extra chicken or whatever with his dinner, instead of frying a load of stuff late at night (pooh) and complaining that he’s eating on his own?

WoIsMe · 17/06/2026 07:06

I could deal with him eating toast @ApolloandDaphne but when he starts cooking, the whole household gets hungry!

I suspect he’s a bit dysfunctional about food @Nonnim his brother says there was never enough food at home when he was growing up. But he rushes about in the morning making breakfasts and lunches for the kids (who are old enough to make their own) so he doesn’t always get anything for himself. And he absolutely refuses to take a lunch or buy a lunch at work.

OP posts:
Happytaytos · 17/06/2026 07:09

Do you not agree a meal plan at the start of the week? That's what we do and then stick to it. Saves money and reduces food waste.

It doesn't sound like he's being deliberate but obviously his behaviour isn't helpful.

WeddingInvitation · 17/06/2026 07:16

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

(my super skinny BIL had a track record of buying new kitchen appliances when ever my sister went on a diet, waffle maker, deep fat fryer, pizza oven….you get the picture. She lost 10 stone a few years ago and kept it off, I suspect a conversation had been had, but also she started to just think about her diet and not his).

Noodge · 17/06/2026 07:19

I am slim and go to the gym a lot and the woman I'm seeing (lesbians!) Is overweight and loves to cook. I feel guilty because she is a great cook, and makes wonderful food but ultimately it is my health. I compromise by having 'days off' every 2-3 weeks where she cooks. I'd ordinarily prefer to go out for dinner and wine on my days off dieting but I do this for her.

We eat totally separately when together. She'll make her own I'll make mine

In your breakfast example, I would work out the calories and portion accordingly, putting the bits I wasn't going to eat in the fridge for later/following day. I hate food waste!

Honeyhonay · 17/06/2026 07:20

You just need to own your own choices, you can’t moan about his eating patterns affecting you while suggesting he should conform to your eating patterns.
Your version of 3 means is no more superior than him having one large meal.

FlipFlopZebra · 17/06/2026 07:28

My husband does this to some extent I’ll have had a good day with food, tracking etc. tp help me lose weight then he’ll come back with chocolate! And it’s so hard to resist. The only way I can lose weight is by having no unhealthy treats in the house.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 17/06/2026 07:32

DH eats 4000-5000 cals a day - 6 foot 5 manual worker. I eat 1300 to maintain my weight. It is brutal sometimes but I do not eat breakfast, lunch or snacks with him, if I do I put on 1lb a week. You just have to accept it OP, it's not his fault any more than yours.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 17/06/2026 07:34

Honeyhonay · 17/06/2026 07:20

You just need to own your own choices, you can’t moan about his eating patterns affecting you while suggesting he should conform to your eating patterns.
Your version of 3 means is no more superior than him having one large meal.

This! Is controlling and frankly bonkers to suggest he shouldn’t eat what he wants to help you stick to your diet. As pp if he’s burning a lot of calories with his activity.
it sounds quite mean for you and your dc to be so horrible together about him, and you and they should let him know how ungrateful they are that he makes their breakfast and lunch.

obsessional · 17/06/2026 07:42

He shouldn’t be ‘encouraging’ you to eat when you don’t want to, or handing you drinks without asking. That’s inconsiderate when he knows you are trying to lose weight.

I think that’s his eating habits are his business though - you just need to manage your cravings. I’d suggest going for a walk.

PermanentTemporary · 17/06/2026 07:48

I do sympathise as I struggle more with my weight whenever I live with a man but you’re just going to have to find a way to detach. Tbh this is where WLI have helped.

Where he really could help is to stop trying to show love with food, if it’s like this! It’s going to feel very hard for him but I would go to neutral ground (pub, walk) and talk through with him that you know he loves you, he doesn’t have to shower you with food, you’re not living in his childhood.

WoIsMe · 17/06/2026 09:18

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 17/06/2026 07:34

This! Is controlling and frankly bonkers to suggest he shouldn’t eat what he wants to help you stick to your diet. As pp if he’s burning a lot of calories with his activity.
it sounds quite mean for you and your dc to be so horrible together about him, and you and they should let him know how ungrateful they are that he makes their breakfast and lunch.

I didn’t suggest that, I asked if anyone in a similar situation had any advice for how to manage. He isn’t grabbing a couple of slices of toast, he’s frying chorizo with shallots in a red wine sauce or cooking barbecue chicken wings or making himself Currywurst or buying a Chinese takeaway. It’s a lot of temptation. Smelling food and seeing food makes you hungry; it’s a natural reaction. I’m asking for ways to deal with it - other than sitting on the sofa next to him trying to discretely hold my nose so I can’t smell his food.

OP posts:
obsessional · 17/06/2026 09:22

WoIsMe · 17/06/2026 09:18

I didn’t suggest that, I asked if anyone in a similar situation had any advice for how to manage. He isn’t grabbing a couple of slices of toast, he’s frying chorizo with shallots in a red wine sauce or cooking barbecue chicken wings or making himself Currywurst or buying a Chinese takeaway. It’s a lot of temptation. Smelling food and seeing food makes you hungry; it’s a natural reaction. I’m asking for ways to deal with it - other than sitting on the sofa next to him trying to discretely hold my nose so I can’t smell his food.

I would -

  • Go for a walk (which will also aid weight loss)
  • Clean your teeth and have a bath (assuming you can't also smell it in the bathroom 😳)

Not snacking in the evenings is tough so I can see how this makes it much harder!

WoIsMe · 17/06/2026 09:26

Cleaning my teeth is a great idea! I have to wear retainers at night so it would take a lot to entice me to take my retainers out to eat something and then have to brush my teeth again and put them back in.

OP posts:
TwiggyShrimp · 17/06/2026 10:03

WoIsMe · 17/06/2026 09:18

I didn’t suggest that, I asked if anyone in a similar situation had any advice for how to manage. He isn’t grabbing a couple of slices of toast, he’s frying chorizo with shallots in a red wine sauce or cooking barbecue chicken wings or making himself Currywurst or buying a Chinese takeaway. It’s a lot of temptation. Smelling food and seeing food makes you hungry; it’s a natural reaction. I’m asking for ways to deal with it - other than sitting on the sofa next to him trying to discretely hold my nose so I can’t smell his food.

Tell him to close the door, if there is one, when he is cooking and eat in a different room. My DH did that for me when my resolve was low.

Drink carbonated beverages. There are organic ones, with no nasty sweeteners, or you can make your own. Those trick you into thinking you're full.

Go for a walk when he's eating or go in another room and journal about your 'why' for wanting to lose weight.

Ask him to not have takeaways for a few weeks or months as a way to support you, if possible.

Hunger is always going to be a reaction when restricting calories. There's no getting away from that. I went to bed hungry last night! It's mostly mental and you have to tell yourself that feeling hungry doesn't mean you have to eat.

I find having an eating 'window' helps a lot. So, eat between 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. and you train your body to only be hungry within certain hours. Makes others eating less bothersome. If I think of anything else, I'll come back and update!

CarelessWimper · 17/06/2026 13:30

I wouldn’t appreciate anyone cooking smelly food late at night. I would talk to him to see if there is a workaround that. This seems the most important point as it’s disturbing the dc at bedtime

I also think it’s find to ask him to not to encourage you to eat or drink more that you want to. Maybe with some meal planning and batch cooking inc plenty of evening snacks for him, it might be easier to manage.

It would annoy me a lot if my DH was doing those things and I think you need to talk to him and find a solution

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