Feel too fat to go to graduation

[FlatTopSparrow]

As the title says. My Ph.D graduation is at the end of the week and I’m dreading it so much I’m seriously considering not going.

My weight is something I’ve been addressing, and that’s going well so far, but at this stage I am still very big and I just feel like a stupid great sore thumb everywhere I go. The thought of having to put on formal dress and a gown that makes me look like a tent and walk across a stage with all eyes on me (albeit briefly) just terrifies me. I’m a very anxious person anyway, but my body image is just making it even harder.

I suppose I’m just looking for a handhold, really. I can’t wish myself thin in three days so I know it makes no practical sense to worry about this, but sometimes our feelings don’t make sense, do they? One of the reasons I’m working so hard to address my weight is because I feel like this every time I have something to go to — weddings, Christmas stuff etc — and I’m sick of it. I know it makes me sound self-absorbed, and I do understand, in a logical sense, that no one is going to be paying the slightest bit of attention to me and that they’re all just going to be waiting to spot their own graduand. But it’s how I feel and I don’t seem to be able to talk myself down from it. I feel like I owe everyone an explanation — like I should be wearing a sign that says ‘I know I’m fat but I’m working on it’.

I think I’d be angry with myself for giving in to this, though. I’ve missed out on so much over the years because of it. Can anyone relate?

You’ve had to work very very hard to achieve this and while I really do understand how you’re feeling, it’s the size of your brain that matters on this occasion so be proud of yourself and do it for you; no self imposed judgement signs required. Have a great day 🧠

You should be so proud of yourself! Honestly no one will judge your body, they will just be happy for you and impressed with the work you have done.

congratulations! 🥳

There aren’t many women who don’t feel like you sometimes- even ones you’d think of as slim. But pleased don’t let shame and self-consciousness rob you of a moment when you should be celebrating and feeling very proud of your achievements. Congratulations on your graduation and enjoy it! By the way, for the future, don’t know how big you are but my god Mounjaro has been a miracle for me and one of the biggest, most liberating wins is thinking ‘party invitation? yes! Swimsuit/bikini? Why not?’ My body (still not skinny, not young, with some saggy skin) is simply not an issue, and that has made it worth every penny.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I think I just need to find a focus so I can get through the day and then it’ll be done.

No, I’m sure most people will just be getting on with their own stuff. That’s the thing I have to remind myself about frequently. I don’t like to give in to self-absorption but I’m only human!

Thank you. Weight loss jabs don’t really meet my needs, but I say fair play to anyone who’s using them. I’m not a naysayer, they’re just not a good fit for me. Glad you’re having good results!

What an incredible achievement!

Please go if you can OP, you deserve to be recognised and celebrated and I promise you nobody will be thinking anything except “Wow, she’s amazing!”.

You are 'only human' & I do understand!

but honestly, wear something that's the nicest/most flattering/ comfortable you have/can buy and be incredibly proud of your achievement!? Be confident because you have achieved this!! Not everyone can!

your weight/size is NOT the most important thing about you, it's not even in the first 100 things.

I do understand, but I wish I hadn't cared so much & let it spoil my enjoyment of so much.
i have much bigger issues now (disability) & wish my weight was all I had to worry about & that I hadn't let it spoil so many things I should have just enjoyed!!

Go & ENJOY the celebration of doing so well !!

People aren’t there to judge you or what you wear, it’s not a fashion show, go and enjoy the celebration.

congratulations on passing, we’re going to my dds graduation in 2 weeks and she has anxiety too about the whole thing, but you just have to get out there and enjoy it

Congratulations Op on your PHD, Dr FlatTopSparrow

I'm interested in why weight loss jabs are not a good fit for you. I have been like you for decades and have missed out on so many opportunities to enjoy myself. The weight loss jabs have been absolutely life changing for me. As far as your graduation goes, I would just go and have a lovely time. Everyone there will be thinking about themselves and frankly won't give you a second thought! If you don't want photos, don't have them but you have achieved such a huge huge thing and it would be very sad for you not to go to celebrate. Congratulations on your PhD. It's absolutely amazing.

You have a PHD!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations! Everybody there will be focused on their own stuff ,try not to worry x

We went to a graduation last year at The Barbican there were all sorts of people and all sorts of shapes and sizes. Please go, it isn't a fashion show it's a celebration of your hard work. Congratulations 👏

I graduated yesterday and there were people of all sizes also graduating. The gowns are very forgiving and hide so much. Go and graduate. Be proud of your academic ability. The size of your body has nothing to do with this. Congratulations.

OP my daughter was the same, she is plus sized. I did make her an outfit for her graduation as sewing is a serious hobby of mine. Then the gown covered most of her outfit anyway.

Proudest day of my life going to her graduation. She tells people she only went for me but she too was beaming as she walked across the stage..

I remember absolutely nothing about other graduates. I only had eyes for my DD1

Most regrets are from what you miss not what you attend. Please go to your ceremony. You’ve worked so hard for.

Congratulations on achieving your Ph.D!

Your graduation is a celebration of your research, discipline and knowledge. The gown is a symbol of your success not a measure of your dress size! 🎓

Thanks everyone. Everything you say makes sense, of course. I just wish I could bring my feelings into line with reality! I just keep telling myself that this time next week it’ll all be done. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’m fixing the things I can, so it’s wrong of me to dwell, really.

Go to your Graduation and enjoy every minute of it.
Congratulations on gaining your PhD.

I had a bit of a style disaster at my own phd graduation because I’d put on weight. In the morning, my DD2 was having a total meltdown (she was only 7 and chose to go on her school trip instead of coming and there was some kind of issue with her trainers and we were on a deadline to leave the house…). And then I discovered the blouse I was planning to wear had got a bit tight. So I threw on a dress that I didn’t especially like and definitely didn’t go with my gown. And it was boiling hot and I was wearing yards of heavy black nylon. I don’t like the photos of myself. But I have lovely memories of a day celebrating with my DH and DD1. I’m really pleased we all went. I hope you go, and have a lovely day and can focus on the achievement not how you look.

I’m in academic awe of you achieving your PhD, and congratulations on doing so. I’ve been to various graduations, my own and family members and it’s wonderful to see the whole variety of people that are there and to listen to what they’ve each achieved. Everyone is wearing academic dress and that’s really all that anyone sees.

I can absolutely relate to how you feel though. I had to attend a family formal gathering around this time last year and felt just hideously embarrassed about my size. It was a catalyst for change, and I’m now losing the weight. You’ve already started that process too, so congratulations on that as well.

A massive well done on achieving your phd!!! I'm about 3/4 of the way through and I understand the hard work that goes into it. Please go to the graduation, you will really regret it if you don't. Just wear something comfortable and ignore everyone else, you're going to receive your award and that's so important. Your weight doesn't matter and everyone will be so impressed by your achievement they won't care! I really hope it goes well and your enjoy the day, you've earned it! 💖😊

Thanks again everyone. I’ve just tried on my outfit and shown my partner and I’ve decided I’m just not going to be comfortable, so I’ll sit it out. It’s not like I won’t get my Ph.D if I don’t go, and I’m not going to be able to enjoy it and will just feel silly. I’ll think of some other way of celebrating. I’m so looking forward to the day when I no longer feel this way, but at least I’m working on that. Thanks again for all of your congratulations and encouragement — you’re all really kind.

Oh that's such a shame but respect your decision.
Again congratulations on gaining your PhD.
Hopefully you can do something with your partner to celebrate.

Oh hell no! Force yourself on that stage and do it to recognise your amazing accomplishment, your hard work, determination and an outcome very few people can say that they can match.

Go to start a journey of being kind to yourself, your body, your brain did that. Celebrate the wins in life!

You'll be wearing a very forgiving gown too so won't matter what you wear underneath.