Feeling awful and sad

[Whatdidyoucallme]

Yesterday, we went to the beach, and my son got hungry, so we walked over to a nearby café to get some food. I was starving, I’ve been doing intermittent fasting, and it has been a week now. I was just about to break my fast and felt excited to finally eat something delicious.

As we were standing in line, two women behind me started speaking in their native language, not realising that I’m actually from the same country and understood every word they said. One of them said, “Look how fat this woman is in front of us, my God. If I looked like that, I would kill myself.”

I was so shocked, I cannot even describe the pain I felt in that moment. The idea that someone could look at me and think such cruel things, let alone say them out loud, completely shattered me. My whole day was ruined. I was too stunned to turn around and respond, and I had my child with me, so I didn’t want to cause a scene. But inside, I was crushed. I ended up not ordering anything for myself, just food for my son. I went the whole day without eating. What was meant to be a beautiful day at the beach turned into something depressing and painful, all because two strangers thought they could mock me without consequence.

I have always struggled with my weight, and since turning 40, it has only become harder to lose it. I’ve tried everything, and nothing has really worked. Intermittent fasting is the one thing I hadn’t tried before, and it actually seems to be making a difference. I lost 3kg in the past week, probably just water weight, but still, it feels like progress. I currently weigh 80kg and I’m 165cm tall.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here, maybe because I hope someone will understand. I hate my body. I look in the mirror and feel nothing but disappointment. I used to be 15kg lighter, and I miss feeling good in my skin.

Maybe I’m looking for encouragement, or just someone to say they’ve been there. I don’t know. I just feel broken. What those two women said still echoes in my head, and I wish I was strong enough to brush it off. But the truth is, it really, truly hurt.

We're animals. Freezing in response to an attack is a sensible animal instinct. It's not weakness. Crazy, cruel people are unpredictable and you were probably wise to ignore them ... especially with a child in tow. You are fine. Your size is fine. You are a good mother. Give yourself credit!

Ive had something similar happen to me. It was awful at first but in the end I just think about how damaged they must be to feel like that. Think about how toxic and horrendous body shaming they grew up with to think like that. Think about how much hatred and self loathing must be in their families to and culture to think that. OP this isn’t about you, you or the millions of other people who are overweight, this is about people who have been raised to think that women’s bodies must conform to a set of standards otherwise they are not deserving of love / or even deserve to live. Imagine how awful it must be for them to go around all day petrified that if they gained weight their life simply wouldn’t be worth living.

Dont take it personally, just see it for what it is, women whose internalised sense of misogyny and shame will be making their lives sadder and bleaker.

I’ve had it all my life. But, I still get out there and enjoy my life. Look at all the negative comments celebrities get and they have to deal with it.

People like those women are not living a happy life on the inside. They are putrid.

What country are they from and what language were they speaking? I am very curious about the blatant judgement of these women and that they would be reckless enough to say it out loud in a queue of people where anyone could have overheard and understood! It just seems incredible!

If you are in the UK or US now you are probably perfectly average size. I don't understand how you could let such stupid comments crush you and ruin your day? Why take heed of their opinion at all?

OP, you’ve had a lot of supportive comments on this thread so I hope you can see that their attitude is the exception and not normal? I’ve always found that when people are so judgemental it relates to their own deep insecurities, so try to put it down to their own lack of emotional intelligence. You sound like someone who has determination and insight into your own eating triggers, which in itself put you far above them.

if you want to look at a different approach, Martha Beck’s 4 day win is a great book. It’s not a diet but a series of strategies for understanding your relationship with food and your body https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/4-day-win-book-martha-beck-9780749928209?sku=GOR002757074&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17428061960&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAID6tNnegOZWterYA2e5xq1lY&gclid=CjwKCAjw9uPCBhATEiwABHN9KycEXDEqIkig-3bnskt7nMrAiVZ1P2Y3awvX8a9pqywgsV_2V0yoJRoCawkQAvD_BwE

I’m sorry OP. Just remember your unwanted weight is temporary (because you can lose it if you want), but them being rude b*tches is for life and there is no cure. 😉

I see in one of your posts that you say they are from a country where people are very judgemental and harsh. That does remind me of some of my in laws, who are from an eastern European country. I often feel shocked about the harsh things they say about others (especially people who aren't of their own country), and wonder what they might say or think about me in private.

Those people who hurt you thought they were wearing an invisibility cloak, and that will have magnified their harshness: the sheer cruel pleasure of being able to attack people in secret (as they thought) would have been a source of bonding between them, and they would probably find something nasty to say about many people they encountered that day.

I wish I could say something to take away the hurt. It is they who should feel bad and not you at all. The sense of hurt will die down over time xx

I think this sounds like a situation where people have behaved in some way that you would never do. Not because it’s not occurred to you …more something you’ve thought of it or more likely witnessed if and there is still no way someone else could make you feel that would make you actually do it. (Because it’s a shitty way to behave and have the possibly to really hurt someone). So when someone makes the choice to do it, you wonder how awful you must be that they cracked on and did it knowing how hurtful it would be. But that’s judging them by your standards - and theirs are different.

Had this issue with my in-laws. They were so bitchy and mean to me. I couldn’t understand “why they would treat me that way”, “don’t they realise they’re hurting me so much etc”. Tjey then went too far when our eldest was born and I nearly died. My DH went for some counselling and that was really helpful. She said you can’t find a way to stop them wanting to a bitch to your wife but you can find a way of stopping it impacting your wife. She told us to score their behaviour. So on way home after visits, comments turned away from “how could they” “why don’t they care that they’ve hurt me” to “ooh felt like your Mum put some thought into that stinger and it landed with an ouch so let’s score that a 10”. Really worked. After about a year, we realised we’d got home without remembering to score. We hadn’t need to. They hardly bitch now. Doesn’t get them what it used to.

there is a great person on Facebook who talk about people who use food to keep safe. Your brain uses it to give you a moment of numbed out peace. You’re not lazy, greedy or stupid. You don’t need talk about calorie counting or protein or carbs. Your body has learnt that food is the one thing you can rely on. You need a safe space to feel those feelings hiding inside.

I hope you find some way to peace. I kept going till my 50s when lockdown combined with perimenopause happened and I fell spectacularly into the deep pit that I had been circling forever. It was awful but I finally got the help I needed and now the hardest challenging is pushing myself to ask for more help when I need it - I always get it and it’s given with kindness but that’s not been my experience up until very recently.

What horrible horrible people OP. I’d rather be a bit overweight and kind than slim and cruel.

Im amazed at how normalised fat shaming seems to have got these days. I hear it everywhere.

Well I'd much rather be your friend than theirs.

Don't let people who are that nasty define your worth.

you know what? I have the upmost respect from people who go through this regularly. Maybe because it never happened to me I was so shocked. People are so cruel, what makes them think it’s ok to put someone else down. Ugh! It really makes me angry, horrible bullies.

Wow thanks for sharing. It’s crazy how much other people can get under our skin. You sound like a very strong person. Much love 💐

Wow, you put it in perfect words. That’s exactly what it is. It was bonding for them, disgusting! Btw Eastern European is about right.

They were from a country in Eastern Europe. They thought they are ‘safe’ to butch about a stranger and none would understand 😒