Finding my reasons - why do you want to lose weight?

[Greywarden]

Hi everyone,

For some time now I've been feeling despair about my weight but haven't managed to do anything about it. In fact I've continued to binge-eat and get ever larger. I'm 5 ft 7 and 14 stone 5lb at the last count. Mid-30s with only one DC. For most of my adulthood I was around the 9 st mark and all of this weight gain has been in the last 4 years so it has been a pretty dramatic change.

I think something that's making it harder to motivate myself is that I always thought I was fat even before my weight gain and still thought my body was disgusting and shameful then. I had family members and boyfriends who called me fat and put pressure on me to lose weight. I now wish I'd enjoyed my body back then but I only ever saw it as inadequate. Funnily enough, all my weight gain has come since meeting a loving partner, getting married, having a kid and getting a dream job. I don't understand why I can't stay slim and healthy for a family I love when I was prepared to periodically starve myself for a string of people who treated me like shit. My life is better than it's ever been even though I'm bigger and less healthy than I've ever been, which is emotionally confusing to say the least.

I''m trying to find my motivation and thought I'd get down all the ways I hope life would be different if I could lose even SOME of the 5 and a half stone I've put on. I'm sharing where I've got to and would love to hear other people's reasons for wanting to do this too.

For me:

• I want my DD to have a good role model. I know people can be amazing mums and role models regardless of size and that so much is more important than weight in this regard. But my weight has really eroded my confidence. I suspect that if I could model confidence and at least a vaguely decent level of physical health, that would be a good thing for her (plus I'd like to be able to run after her more effectively and do Park Runs beside her one day).
• I want my DH to find me more attractive. He is a lovely man and has put no pressure on me to lose the large amount of weight I've gained since meeting him, but I know he misses the woman he first fell for. We have less frequent, more comfortable sex now and I spend so much time ashamed of how I look that it's difficult for me to let go and enjoying being connected with him. Long-term I think this will be very bad for our marriage and is a real shame for both of us.
• I'd like to be able to meet up with old friends and go on holidays without feeling so self-conscious and ashamed of my body. Friends have failed to recognise me from moderate distances and have floundered trying to hide their shock at my weight gain. I have faked illness to avoid gatherings out of fear of judgement. On holiday I can't enjoy the beach; dread hot weather; wear some granny-arsed type swimming costume. Meals out are horrible as I fear everyone is watching me and judging what I eat, so I never order what I want or enjoy it (I actually sometimes pre-stuff myself before a meal out so that I have a small appetite and don't look like I'm eating much).
• I want to be able to walk into rooms - including at work where I'm meant to be valued for my people skills and brain - without being preoccupied by shame about my appearance and concern about people seeing me as fat and lazy.
• I'd like to be able to go for a run and feel that sense of hungry lightness and freedom as my feet fly... rather than being hyper-aware of how much I'm sweating, how my thighs chafe in the wrong leggings and how stupid and sluggish I feel.

Unfortunately, I used to still feel a lot of these things when I was 9 stone too, so losing weight won't magically give me my confidence back... but maybe it would be a start?

It sounds like their are psychological aspects to the weight gain. It would be a good idea to address those as your motivation won't carry you through if you don't. It's a scary thing to do, but can be very liberating.

I have realised that weight loss is a 360° exercise. You have to deal with every aspect. Mental, food, diet, exercise, self image and esteem.

Thanks @unsync. I will think about that. There are psychological aspects to most people's weight gain, I suspect... I'm not really sure where to start with working on that. I do take your point about needing to be holistic but I'm feeling so lost on where to begin.

My motivation is health. I have been overweight most my adult life and like you dreaded holidays with family etc. I have always tried various diets but quickly failed. After a health scare last year and finding out it was caused by unhealthy diet that's changed my whole mindset. I'm successfully loosing weight but not actually weighed myself once because my motivation is to be healthy and hopefuly be around a long time for my child! The weightloss just comes with it and it's lovely to be able to fit in clothes sizes I haven't been able to for 20 years plus.

@Greywarden You could try examining what is going through your head when you reach for food. This is what I was told.

When you stand looking in the fridge or cupboard to get something to put in your mouth, why are you doing that? What triggered it? Hunger, boredom, discomfort, stress, frustration, anger etc etc. Note that emotion. Is there a theme or frequency? If you wait five minutes, does the urge disappear? Can you deal with whatever caused the trigger. Can you use something other than food to deal with the urge?

Then you examine how you feel about food. How do you think about it? Is it a reward? Does it soothe you? Is it a treat? Do you think of it in terms of good or bad?

These require a mindshift. Food is none of these things, it is just food - fuel for your body. Some is healthy for you, some is less healthy. Aim for more healthy food, but it is OK to eat less healthy food, just not all the time.

Nothing is forbidden, you don't need to feel guilty or punish yourself. When you give yourself permission to eat anything, you lose the urge to eat foods you once thought were 'bad' or 'naughty', because now you know that food is just food.

On the self esteem side of things, you need to know you are awesome. You do brilliant things. You made a brand new person, that's really amazing when you think about it. You did that. Don't be ashamed of that. Embrace all the good things you have, a child, a man who loves you, friends and all the other things.

You don't have to like how your body is currently, but accept that is where you are at the moment and make peace with it. It is temporary and you can fix it. It won't be a quick fix, but you can do it day by day, kilo by kilo. Acceptance will help with the guilt and loathing, you don't need them, they don't serve any purpose. Be kind to yourself, it's a long road you're on, there will be bumps, but it will be ok. You can do this, one step at a time, keep moving forwards. You've got this.

All about health for me. I have bad joints from being obese but still quite active most of my life.
I'm now a normal BMI but my knees and hip are still completely buggered.

To anybody young who is struggling with weight I would just say that the sooner you can try and tackle it the better because some damage you can't undo.

Another vote for health. My knees hurt and I have no energy. I would like to look nicer and have more choice in clothes too but mainly I don't want to have a heart attack and be in constant pain when I walk.

Are you subconsciously trying to sabotage your new, better life?
Are you anxious, deep down, that one day your lovely H will call you fat and you're just waiting for the shoe to drop?

You need to approach weight loss (if you approach it at all) from the pov of someone who loves herself and wants the best for herself. You need to believe that you are a person who deserves the love of a good man. You need to believe that you deserve to fit into clothes you feel good in.

It's a real shame that others in your life have put you down and caused you to feel ashamed of the body that carries you through this life, the body that created a baby and brought him into the world, and recovered from that. That was all their problem, their issues, and they dumped their garbage on you. You are not what they said you are. You have worth. You are loveable.

Find some daily affirmations to repeat to yourself - they may not feel real at first, but persevere.
Go and get yourself a massage so you'll feel fabulous.
Get your fingernails and toenails done. Wear perfume.

Start doing a food diary - myfitnesspal can help keep track. It's very useful for showing you in numbers what your daily caloric intake is, as long as you're honest. You'll be able to see where and what you can cut back on. At the very least, it promotes mindful eating.

As you cut back, you'll feel cravings and actual hunger. Resist the panic that may set in. You'll need to train yourself to leave a nice long interval between meals.

I love my body. I love what it does for me and I want to look after it. I like to feel strong. I like to feel fast (for me) and excess weight slows me down.

I've got a surplus half-stone that I don't need and it's more pressure and effort for my joints. Chaffing in the summer is really sore. I want to stay in the same size of clothes I like and not replace them.

My body deserves to be well-nourished with good food. (If only I could eat more of it without negative consequences. It's limiting being short and middle aged!)

It sounds like OP would benefit from working on self-worth, and being motivated for herself rather than others' perceptions of her.

Just want to check back and share some gratitude for the advice and experiences people have shared.

I made a list of the suggestions and have been trying to take them on board. I'm currently 5 days binge-free, which may sound very small but has been quite a big deal for me. It took me a few days to work up to trying a fresh start. The comments about self-worth have been valuable because it's true that I have a big issue with this. I have always struggled to take care of myself physically and to see myself as worthwhile as a person. @unsync , I found your advice about considering my thoughts before over-eating and working out what food means to me very helpful. Funnily enough I am a therapist by profession and exploring what difficult behaviours and situations mean to people personally so that they can think about how to make changes they want to make is my bread and butter... It is strange that I've found it so tough to apply this process to my relationship with food.

Being open with my DH about what I'm struggling with was an important step. It has been horrible to carry secret shame and that definitely then fuels my own-eating in a never-ending cycle. My DH was pretty upset to learn about the bingeing - he found it hurtful that I kept this a secret from him, which doesn't surprise me. He is quite worried about my mental health and concerned that I must be overeating out of unhappiness, which has got him questioning our relationship a bit. @mathanxiety , your suggestion that I might be trying to sabotage my new better life and push my DH to the point where he does reject me gave me a lot to think about. I think there is some truth to this. It has a whiff of self-fulfilling prophesy to it: I doubt my worth and perhaps see my DH getting tired of me and leaving me as inevitable one day, so I am, for some reason, almost unthinkingly trying to make the inevitable happen.

A reflection on what it has been like not to binge and to eat pretty healthily for a few days... I already feel much better physically and mentally: more energetic, sharper at work, more present with my DH and DD. At the same time there is something scary and unsettling about this. I'm not used to it; I feel jittery with the extra energy; I'm no longer dulling down the big emotions and have been a bit hyperactive and tearful. I recognise this from previous times when I've lost weight. I need to work out how to cope with that, I think.

Anyway, thank you everyone, and if anyone else wants to share anything on this topic I will check back with interest.

I am happy you found it helpful. I've had a lot of therapy over the years and learnt some useful tools, but as you say, it's not always easy to put them into practice. Well done on the five days binge free, that's great progress.