Hi guys - I'm not sure if I'm just oversensitive and overthinking my issues.
I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been at 35 years old. I'm 14 and 1/2 stone and a size 14. You'll be reading this and thinking that's not too bad, but I am 5'4 and carry it mostly around my middle - I literally feel like I look heavily pregnant. I am so unhappy with the way I look.
I have dieted on and off for as long as I can remember (early teens) and I'd call myself a yo-yo dieter. I have all the knowledge of what works for weight loss and am desperately trying not to give in to using weight loss injections or gastric procedures (no judgement to those who do and trust me, I'm so tempted) because I know, deep down, this is a mental problem and if I don't sort out my relationship with food, those things won't work for me.
I have a lot of emotion around my current body image and weight - I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep doing the same. My whole day is filled with negative thoughts around my body and I have feelings of revulsion when I'm even washing myself in the shower - I don't know how common this is but it's starting to worry me as I want to be kinder to myself and love myself but feel like that's an impossible task right now.
With the help of an online coach, I was able to lose almost 2 stone but after a while I developed gym-related injuries and felt like I stagnated. I didn't feel fully supported with my coach and as it was expensive, I decided to stop coaching after 18 months and go it alone as I had gained all the knowledge of nutrition and fitness. It's now been only 8 months and I've put all the weight back on and then some. I feel like such a failure. I know I work well with accountability but I feel such guilt around those times when I've not stuck to the plan that I end up with all those negative thoughts about myself.
Now to talk about my partner. We've been together for over 9 years and I'd say we're mostly happy. He was always slim in his youth but over the years struggles to lose weight and is really unhappy with the way he looks. He's brilliant at staying consistent with the gym but has a poor diet and struggles to motivate himself in this area. I'd say over the last 12-18 months he's been particularly unhappy in his appearance - I always tell him he looks great but he always shuts me down and says he's not happy. He's not great at being proactive in the kitchen and all of that is left to me. I've told him recently this needs to change and he told me I should focus on my own diet/meals and he will do the same but I think he missed the point - I don't want to live separate lives and eat separately - I worry that will lead to even further separation between us.
On top of his own views of himself, I worry that he thinks the same about me. I feel that because he's so fixated on his body that he must also be fixated on how out of shape I have become too. He always comments on how I don't go to the gym any more and tries to encourage me to get back for my mental and physical health but then it ends in arguments because I feel like he shouldn't be saying things like that to me. To be fair, it's never said in a mean way, but I'm oversensitive to most things and I see it as him being unhappy with me and wanting to change me. I know that probably isn't the case but when he barely shows me affection and our sex life has been dwindling, it's making me feel like he's no longer 'into me'.
I guess the point of this post is to see if anyone has had success in switching their mindset and been able to sustainably have a healthy relationship with food. Has anyone been able to work with their partner to lose weight together?
Does anyone else ever feel like this in their relationship - pressure to lose weight because if they do, their partner will be satisfied? I know that's not how I should be thinking - my weight loss should be for me, and me only. But I'm such a people pleaser and always put my partner's feelings before my own. I want to get away from that type of behaviour.
Sorry for the long post and thank you if you've made it this far. Any advice is so appreciated - I'm desperate for some guidance.