I'm so upset with myself :(

[BelleSauvage9]

I've battled my weight for as long as I can remember. Started getting chubby in year 5/6 and struggled ever since.

My dad used to make jokes about me being fat which did some serious damage (my parents weren't together so an every other weekend issue, but damage was done). Ironically I think my bad food habits stem from him because my mum rarely had treats (couldn't afford them) and I would be allowed to binge constantly at my dads every other weekend. I don't generally struggle to eat reasonably healthy meals, I have issues with bingeing.

I wasn't huge when younger, but definitely overweight and I felt huge. I got very skinny in my late teens (took a lot of drugs for a few years), then got pregnant with dd1 and gained quite a bit of weight. Spent years of dds life going up and down the same couple of stone (I was about 4 stone overweight after she was born).

At my biggest I was 16 stone which was my weight when I got pregnant with dd2 (she's nearly 3). I lost some weight during pregnancy and a bit more after she was born. Got pregnant with ds when dd2 was 8 months old and again no pregnancy weight gain. Ds has suspected cmpa so I gave up dairy (while tandem feeding dd2 and ds) and lost lots of weight. In August/September last year I was 11stone4. I felt so good for the first time in so many years and was my lowest weight since having dd1 13 years ago.

I have been really down since November time and have just eaten so excessively, so compulsively, that I have jumped back up to 13.7 :( I feel so so crap about myself and so disappointed in myself. I don't understand why I do this to myself, ruining something that was giving me such happiness and finally feeling comfortable, able to wear clothes I liked etc. I'm seriously hating myself right now and even now, even feeling this way, all I want to do is fucking eat 😩😭

I really want to give mounjaro a try. The lack of food noise people talk about feels like the most wonderful part by far and I want that, I don't want this voice, this compulsion to just eat eat eat, I hate it. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. But I'm still breastfeeding so I can't. I'm taking steps to wean dd2 and that's going well, but ds is still very attached to it, especially for sleep (I have mostly got him down to only feeding before sleep and during the night though).

I don't even know why I'm making this post, I just weighed myself and felt so so awful and felt the need to express these feelings somewhere.

Hey,
Couldn’t read and run. I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. I did a course recently about nutrition and bingeing and the feelings you describe are upsetting but fairly common. It was a course about our relationship with food? About how feeling low leads to a f£&k it attitude that then leads to bingeing. I know it’s hard but it might be worth finding a more neutral perception of food? As in- we all have crap days, but you accept this and try not to sabbotage tomorrow? Basically a more gentle outlook? I find if I over eat now, I chalk it up to experience and really look after myself tomorrow? Thinking about foods that nourish me and do me good puts me off a lot of junk? I totally understand the urge to try injections but maybe facing the underlying relationship with food/ self- esteem is a
more sustainable/ long term solution?

@BelleSauvage9 I couldn’t read this and not reply, you sound so down on yourself.
Please don’t be upset at yourself. You seem to have gone through quite a lot and these difficult emotions can lead to binge eating. It is a normal coping mechanism and nothing to beat yourself up with. There are many of us feeling exactly the same way. If you have a tendency for binge eating, the key is not to do anything that deprives you. Try to insert a bit of mindfulness in your day to day, you can listen to some meditations on Youtube. Search for 10 minute or 15 minute ones to fit in with your busy schedule. Whenever you have feelings of discomfort or anxiety, write them down in your journal. You won’t stop these unhealthy habits from one day to another, but you will see a gradual reduction and one day they will be extinguished. Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself.