To feel embarrassed by how much being fat shamed by a 7 year old hurts

[jollysuperjillycooper]

I need a good talking to and a dose of Mumsnet reality to bounce me out of this funk I'm in.

DH took DS7 to a birthday party this weekend. He was a bit subdued in the car on the way home and DH finally managed to get it out of him what was wrong. Apparently one of his little "friends" made some comment about me being fat. Something along the lines of "your mummy is fat". I don't know the context of the situation and didn't want to pry too much but I know it was enough to really upset my son. I'm overweight, but have recently lost 2.5 stone so was feeling really good about myself. I feel a bit deflated now. Both DH and I have spoken to my son and told him not to worry and how we are really proud of him for understanding that it was a mean thing for his friend to say. I also told him just to ignore his friend and that I'm not upset.

I just am a bit ashamed to say that it's hit me quite hard. I don't even want to go into the playground at drop off as I feel I'm embarrassing him with my size. I won't ever admit this but just wanted to vent, I was so proud of myself for losing weight and now I feel like I'm still seen as a fat mum!

My dd's class discovered 'yo mamma's so fat...' jokes at this age. Are you sure it wasn't just one of those and your DS misunderstood it could have been said whether you were size 4 or size 40?

You are taking steps to lose some weight, that is what you should be focusing on. It was not your Son who has shown that he is embarrassed by you, that is important. Children will say things as they see them at that age, unfortunately, sometimes.

Darling be proud of yourself. I went swimming with my niece in the summer. She said auntie do you think you are fat? She then added - you have thighs like mummy that wobble when you walk! Kids say things as they see them. Great that your son can talk to you and great that you are taking care of yourself. Do not dwell on it but move forward positively.

Thank you. While I can't say for definite as I wasn't there, from what DH (who is very level-headed and not prone to exaggeration) DS said it wasn't in a jokey way.
They were very close in Reception up to Year 2, but in Year 3 there have been some wobbles. DS is dyslexic and keeps getting called thick or dumb by this child. I understand that kids will be kids and I want DS to understand that sometimes people will say mean things. I just found this jarring as I wasn't even present.

Thank you. That is actually lovely advice. I'm overthinking it! I bear the child no malice but just felt a bit sad that he and DS are perhaps not getting on at the moment.

This child sounds like he’s going through a nasty phase… to put it nicely. Being a little prick basically.
It’s his behaviour you need to call out for your son - don’t internalise his childish and idiotic words. Show your son that words hurt and that this is why we are kind to and about people. Point out that this boy has been saying words that might be true but he found them upsetting. Model that you are not affected by his friend- make him powerless because he sounds like he might continue jibing your son re: dyslexia comments.

DS is dyslexic and keeps getting called thick or dumb by this child.
I hope you have contacted the school regarding this. The child is bullying your son and has escalated his insults to include you. You can't ignore this just because they were once friends.

Ah OP I know the feeling. I'm a Headteacher in a Primary School and very overweight. I can't tell you how many times a child in Nursery or Reception has come up and given me a massive cuddle before innocently asking why I'm so fat, or whether there's a baby in there...
Used to cut me to the bone and I'm still embarrassed when another adult hears, but I've got used to cheerfully saying to said cherub something along the lines of, "well, we all look different don't we, but we don't really ask people about their bodies because it can hurt their feelings." 😂🙄

Don't let a 7 Yr old shake your confidence, you've lost 2.5 stone, that's a massive achievement!
Some kids are just little shits, he's obviously trying to upset your ds and it could have been anything, big ears, big bum, red hair etc.
Dss once told his dm that I was fat and pregnant, I was a size 8, (lost a lot of weight due to stress).

I do voluntary work with five year olds. One of them told me I was fat, and I had horrible fat arms. Her friend said ‘no she isn’t fat’ and the first child doubled down and said ‘yes she is, she has horrible fat arms’. I’m a size 10/12. My arms are a bit flabby but not exceptionally so.
I wonder about how their mothers talk about their bodies at home, and whether the adults in their lives are critical of people’s bodies.

I still feel upset about the comments, even though it happened years ago.

Yep I was shamed by a 5 year old and it still stings! But kids are like that, and at 7 sounds like that child just wanted to hurt DS. I taught mine people are mean and mock what they can see i.e glasses, but we're all different and not to take any notice.

Still stings a bit though

I wonder about how their mothers talk about their bodies at home, and whether the adults in their lives are critical of people’s bodies.

What @Tradiesonthetools said is so true. You've had (and taken) an opportunity to show your ds that insults about body size don't matter. If a child comments on fat in a mean manner then it's because they have heard mean things. What a shame for them because they will grow up with their own hang ups.

2.5 stone off is brilliant and it must be really visible so well done.

I think the kid who says this is mean and probably hears some awful things at home, based on other comments he has made, well done in how you handled it.

I also think a lot of kids don't see it as fat shaming, or see things as hurtful. I can remember my brother and I, hearing my mum talk about wanting to lose weight, showing her pictures of girdles in a catalogue and asking why she didn't get one! I don't think a lot of them understand fat shaming or mean any harm

Yeah this, sounds like a pretty horrible child tbh. He’s eroding your sons confidence. Forget yourself for a moment, you need to deal with his behaviour towards your son.

To be frank I’d be telling DD that the child is horrible and to avoid them like the plague.

Congratulations on losing 2.5 stone OP, that’s brilliant. Don’t let a child with terrible manners take away your achievement. It’s a shame the child isn’t being raised to be thoughtful, considerate or kind, but don’t give him the power to upset you.

I’d absolutely address him calling your son thick or dumb though, that really needs nipped in the bud. I have a team member who hid his dyslexia when he joined our team because he had such a terrible time at school being bullied for being thick.

Perhaps he could just say (repeatedly if necessary!) to the other child, 'That was a horrible thing to say. You are not very nice!'

I doubt a seven year old set out to "fat shame" you. Sounds like he was just being descriptive, especially if he didn't say it in a jokey or mean way.

Pretending you're ok when you're not is a natural trflex but kids are sensitive and observant and he'll probably pick up that you're upset. Obviously don't let him know the full extent but it's ok to let your child know, in an age appropriate way, that comments like that do hurt, that you do feel sad but are dealing with that. It's so important for kids to see their grown ups dealing with some difficult emotions, so they have a model in how to talk to yourself and get support when you are sad.(Plus modelling talking to yourself in the kind way you'd want your kid to talk to themselves can help.you too!)

That way you teach him that it's normal for him to feel hurt if people say mean or rude things about him, and start learning some things he could do to help himself feel better.

My DS as a 4 year old asked my friend why she had a fat belly. She said quick as a flash “Because I eat little boys like you!”

I guess you can’t say that to your pupils though.

I once heard my 4 year old daughter's friend tell her to make sure she didn't offer me any party bag sweets as 'your mummy has eaten too many sweets already and that's why she's fat'. Luckily my daughter told her it was rude to say that, but it still stung a bit.

I didn't say he set out to fat shame me. I felt fat shamed and that's my perogorative to express that on this forum. But, on your point, when he called my son thick or dumb was that being descriptive?? They are in year 3 and more than capable at this age of being mean.