So upset by comment from stranger

[Glitterblue]

I will begin by saying I’m just starting out on a weight loss journey. I haven’t yet decided what road to go down but I know I have a few stone to lose. I had both hips replaced within 8 months of each other, I was largely immobile for 2 years before the surgeries, painfully hobbling around on crutches and the whole time between the first and second I was really struggling because I couldn’t even do one step without crutches or hanging onto a piece of furniture. Then depression set in and continued for months after the second surgery along with complete exhaustion. It’s only now that I’m beginning to get my old energy back and starting to feel better mentally and in a place where I can address the weight that I gained over those years.

On Thursday I went to visit my late grandmother’s best friend in hospital. An old man who I had never met was there but said he was just leaving. I was introduced to him and he looked me up and down and said “my goodness, YOU like to sit at the table and eat, don’t you!” I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I wanted to burst into tears on the spot. I felt humiliated and upset.

I’m a size 16 but he made me feel as if he’d never seen anyone as big as me before. I cried when I came home and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I’ve even been dreaming about it. What makes people think it’s ok to say things like that to anyone, let alone a total stranger?

Maybe it was the kick up the backside that I needed to decide what I’m going to do and get started, but I feel even more self conscious than I was before and I was already very self conscious, always hiding in baggy hoodies etc.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this but I suppose I’m just hoping someone will understand how I feel. He may as well have said “my goodness, you’re fat aren’t you!” I know I am, I don’t need a stranger to tell me!

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Its really hurt you OP because he has touched a part of you that feels shame about your weight. So its not really about him, its about how you feel about your self. Because if you didnt believe it to be true it wouldnt have upset you so much.

Fuck him, he is just some random bloke who you will never see again.

BUT you do have so show your self compassion. Yes you are over weight but you've been incapacitated and had depression. Being in constant pain is something people who have never had to experience it just wont grasp. It fucks you up.

Love, love , love your self OP, good bits and not so good bits - no one is perfect. You have come through all that and you are coming out the other side - keep pushing on xx

Thank you all so, so much. I really appreciate every one of you and I’m sorry sorry some of you have been through similar.

To answer some questions he’s 91, and my granny’s friend’s daughter who was also there, said right away “he should NOT have said that” - it was all just so quick in the moment, her daughter and the man were standing there in front of me, he said it and walked away, she said that, then she followed him to the door and I could hear her saying something to him - I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it was about that, because it really bothered her. She came back to me straight after he left as well and said not to listen to him. My granny’s friend was sitting the other side of the bed but I think she heard it because during the visit she asked me if I’d lost weight since she saw me at my granny’s funeral, which was in between the 2 surgeries. She said I looked as if I had and that I was looking really great, and they both said a few times during the visit that I was looking great. They were both so lovely.

I hope he’s never there again when I visit.

Thank you for your supportive and encouraging comments too, it’s been a difficult few years but onwards and upwards now. I desperately want to lose the weight but not sure which approach to take. It took years to go on so won’t go overnight. My right hip and lower back still hurt at times - that side was the harder surgery. Both were bone on bone with no cartilage left when I had the first one done so you can imagine how painful the next 8 months were.

Thank you all again, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, you’ve cheered me up.

I’m so sorry, those comments stick with you don’t they? A friend of my mum’s when I was a teenager said “wow you’re not as slim as your mum, are you?!” I was a size 10 but my mum is a 6. She’s particularly petite.

Aw thank you, your reply made MY eyes prickle with moisture!

I know how you feel. Absolutely awful. I'm sorry you went through that.I've had similar said to me, I was out with my husband's family at the time and trying to make a good impression when another person approached me and made a very offensive comment about how fat I looked. My husband's family didn't know where to look. Probably the most humiliating experience of my entire life. I had just had a miscarriage and was still carrying the extra weight but no one knew that. I was 10 and a half stone at the time so not even that heavy. I managed to hold it together just long enough till I was on my own, then I absolutely balled my eyes out. Horrible experience. Wish I could just forget it but the horrible comments are impossible to unhear.

This old lady was comparing me with my mum too! We were about the same size at the time, iirc. The lady telling me I was fat was quite a bit bigger than both of us!

I think it says more about them than us 💐

What a nasty old git.
Many old people I have known have been like this commenting on a woman’s appearance. Not sure if it is a generational thing, loss of inhibition, entitlement or what.
I always think of what I wish I had said in response much later when I have heard such things but this level of rudeness is so gobsmacking I am generally just mute at the time.
Do your best to ignore the old fucker. He’ll be dead soon.

You don't even need to be what's considered a non-healthy weight to get arseholes making comments.

I remember the first time because it was so shocking to me , minding my own business walking down the street in the summer feeling happy, I was 15 and just over 9 stone at 5ft6 when a guy leaning out of a doorway said 'fat bitch', pretty much into my ear , I felt like I'd been attacked.

That was late 90s but I realise that these days thankfully he'd be considered some pathetic bitter incel.

What I'm trying to say is that it's always about them, unless it's some kind of mental illness thing , but even that is still their issue. You sound like you've got to a really good place physically & mentally, don't let someone so wholly irrelevant to you ruin it .

A woman once asked me when my baby was due. I wanted to die but when I said I wasn't pregnant she said of course you're not as if she realised she had put her foot in it massively.
On the flip side I have just lost 2st 12.5lbs and my stepdad in law looked at me and said wow marmite there's nothing left of you. 'Don't lose any more around your face will you'. I said 'unfortunately I can't control that's and he kept going on about it to my DH.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I doubt very much that he meant it in a way to hurt you

You have far higher expectations of men than I do. I'm certain he meant it to be mean. Why else would he say it to a complete stranger he's just met?

OP, the only response that merits is "well, I can lose weight but you'll always be a cunt".

Agree. Stupid man who thinks he has a right to comment on a woman’s body. Ignore him. You know all that you have been through and well done for deciding it was the right time to begin to do things in your own way.
Don’t let one obnoxious man derail you.

He did mean hurt with that comment. There is no reason for anyone to say such a mean comment other than to deliver hurt. What an absolute cunt of a man.

OP you sound as if you have been through the mill with pain and operations - I really don’t think I’d have coped with any of that so cudos to you for remaining strong! Onwards and upwards!

I had someone refer to me as “that big girl” when I was in my early twenties and a size 12!
I’m a size 18 now and would love to lose weight but as you say it took years to go on and there’s no magic wand to get it off! Anybody who hasn’t been overweight won’t get that it’s more complicated than just eating less and moving more 🥹

I agree that, by 91, some people lose their social filter to an extent.
An elderly in-law (94) said "I don't blame you CuteCillian for not caring what you look like" as I tucked into a meal. I'm not sure if it was a passive aggressive comment, or she actually regretted living a life with a very restrictive diet as she had been a dancer. Either way, I've never forgotten the incident but I have a wry smile remembering it.

He is just an idiot .Ignore ,many older men seem to think they can say whatever they want and get away with it! Pay no heed .

Why would she apologise for him ?

I would of told him to go fuck himself, I have zero respect for my elders when they come out with shit like that!

Idk. Some people would say, 'Oh don't listen to X, he's always like that' kind of apology, rather than specifically 'Sorry about him...'

Yes I see

What a vile old git!

Give it no more head space.
If you ever see him again and he makes a comment just say 'well I'd much rather be me than you, (then under your breath) you old git'.

Thank you for the rest of the replies since I was last on, and again I’m sorry that still more of you have been on the receiving end of something similar. I just honestly don’t understand what would make someone think it’s acceptable to say something like that to a complete stranger (or anyone!)

If my granny had been there, she would have chewed him up and spat him back out! She was small and frail, but woe betide anyone who hurt any of her family!

I desperately want to lose the weight but not sure which approach to take

I mean this gently but if you do desperately want to lose weight then just start cutting back, reducing portions, crap and alcohol. Upping exercise, you can them change approach if you fancy.

He was very rude and an idiot to make that comment. I am much larger than you (a size 24 currently!) and so have had many comments like this. It definitely hurts.

I have mental health problems and had a course of CBT last year and found it really helped (obviously not a miracle cure or anything) but it helped me cope better when on the receiving end of comments. I still get cruel comments when out and about but react differently now and don't give them as much head space these days. I used to play them over and over in my head and end up very low.

I am also on my own weight loss journey and currently 18 st 5 lbs, down from 21 st 7 lbs at my heaviest. It has been slow and steady but I feel more positive in general.