Husband in denial about his health

[Gimmesomesugar]

I'm not sure what I want to get out of posting here to be honest, but feel completely stuck about how to help my husband so thought someone might have some suggestions.

I'm so worried about his weight and the health implications for the future, but he it seems he is in complete denial and a very sensitive/defensive person and I feel I have to walk on eggshells around the issue.

He is quite embarrassed about it and it's kind of a no-go subject, so I am unsure of his actual weight, but he is at the point now where very few mainstream shops cater to his size. He is definitely over 20stone and in clothes 4xxxl if not more. The saving grace is that he is quite tall.

We've been together 10 years and in that time, his weight has steadily increased year on year. I have tried to encourage him to join me for walks and things but he shows no interest. I have tried to help him lose weight a couple of times, most recently because he got very upset shopping for suitable clothes for a family function but sadly it didn't really help. He seems to keep undoing the diet by doing strange things. Because it was a low carb diet, he thought it was ok to fill up on massive bowls of nuts in between for example! He just upped the quantities of everything because he couldn't cope with feeling hungry. And then he got upset that it wasn't working and gave up. I know it can work because I did it at the same time and managed to get some modest results, although it was too expensive doing two sets of grocery shopping so I stopped too. ☹️

The trouble is he seems to have weird ideas about what is 'healthy' and doesn't seem to realise that calories not burned are still going to pile on, even if the foods he is choosing don't fall in the really unhealthy category. So for example, he will have a full cooked meal in the evening and then instead of pudding, think it's healthier somehow to have a bowl of cereal, bread or even guzzle a load of milk! Another example - If he takes one of the kids for a milkshake or buys them a treat when out and about , he chooses to get one too, whereas I don't bother or have a coffee or something. He does a sedentary job, so he doesn't need to load up on calories in this way. It sounds like I'm just being really critical but I'm just giving examples of what I see as strange choices.

I strongly feel there is a mental health component because he becomes very stressed and down due to various circumstances in his life and food is a comfort. His whole side of family is on the bigger side and they seem to have a different approach to food and activity to the one I was brought up with. Certain family members will do these massive spreads at get-togethers and even dh says it's a bonkers amount of food as a lot goes to waste. I think undoubtedly this has affected his approach to food and eating in general though.

My fear is the myriad of health problems that await him as he ages, he already has been to doctors for a couple of weight related things. I would have thought that would motivate him but it hasn't made any difference. Even though in one case he was told by a consultant/surgeon said that they weren't prepared to put him forward for a surgery until he tried to lose weight. I don't think he has quite joined up the dots in his mind and it doesn't seem like GPs want to address the issue.

I want to help him; but honestly if I say something I know it will result in a horrible argument and him being off with me/not talking to me for potentially days which I just don't feel strong enough to cope with myself right now as we have other stuff going on. He is extremely proud and very sensitive and lately I feel I have to walk on eggshells and manage what I say, not just about what he eats but just in general. I generally just leave him to it because I know ultimately the decision has to come from him but It's playing on my mind as I so feel I'm being negligent not saying anything. ☹️ We have two young children and he is in his 40s now. I am not so naive as to think we can just float along behaving like we did 20 years ago. I'm determined to age healthily (although I am a few years younger than him) I want him to feel motivated for our children .... I am also considerably smaller in stature and it scares me that in the future I just won't be able to cope if he becomes unwell.

Has anyone been in a similar position or know how to help someone who is completely burying their head in the sand?

I'm in a similar position except my husband isn't sensitive about it. And although I've also tried to help over the years, I've mostly accepted the fact it's up to DH what he does with his own body. It's a huge worry and I do expect it will lead him to have many more health problems than he needs to, and even to die earlier than he otherwise would. But there is absolutely nothing I can do apart from modellng healthy eating and exercise and gently encouraging him. I do these things but they make little to no difference and it's awful but I just have no choice but to accept it.

He has to want to do it.

And maybe it will need a heart attack or similar To snap him out of it.

TBH I would think about where you’re at in all this. You say he’s over sensitive, that you’re constantly walking on eggshells, is that really the relationship you want to stay in?

What about physically? It may not be PC to say it, but I couldn’t possibly be physically attracted to someone that overweight, and coupled with the over sensitivity and need to constantly tread on eggshells I’d be rethinking the relationship.

Unfortunately you can’t make anyone change unless they want to.
I found not having snack food in the house helped along with plenty of fruit.
Could you look at getting all the family smart watches or step trackers? This has helped me with kj in and kj out.
with my DH, it was seeing an unflattering picture of himself that got him to lose 20 kg.
Good luck

@RokaandRoll yes I have come to a similar conclusion as you but it is hard to accept! Especially with some family members on my side showing concern and making suggestions to me frequently... as if I can somehow make him change by proxy!

@MayThe4th I'm not anywhere near thinking along those lines at this point in time.

@Weenurse Yes agreed, have tried to cut back on the treats and goodies as much as poss. He does have also have a smart watch.

This sounds frustrating and scary and upsetting but it is not. your. job.

If I were in your position I might even say something to that effect, "I am frustrated that I can't help you but this is your life and I can't make these changes for you"

Find some support for yourself and move on with your own life/health.

In my local area you can have a health check once you hit 40, I'm pretty sure this would include height and weight. Would he be eligible for this? Then the person breaking the news wouldn't be you. I think if you can engineer a situation where he's not hearing it directly from you, it may be easier for you. And likewise, possibly easier for him not to hear it from you.

Has he ever been slim in his adult life?

I have some understanding of how you’re feeling, OP, as we have a family member in her 40’s who’s morbidly obese and it’s frightening thinking about future health issues.

As a PP said, sometimes it’s easier to take advice from an outsider-do you think he might listen to a nutritionist, for example, or a personal trainer?
Perhaps you could book an appointment and share the advice with him?

You’ve touched on it yourself - it’s a mental health issue, and as such very difficult for you to have a lot of impact on. He knows he’s overweight and doesn’t like it but at the moment that’s not enough to outweigh whatever it is that is more important to him than staying healthy.

Objectively I’d say forget the coaxing and hinting and go for brutal honesty - you’re worried about his health and hurt that he won’t make the effort to stay well for his children or for you, who want and need him. If he wants to improve his health you will help him but it has to come from him.

But it’s your marriage and you have to manage it your way.

I really feel for you, and I think you can’t change his mind, if you nag him he will just dig his heels in and set his mind against changing even more. Like an alcoholic; change has to come from within.

i wonder if a frank conversation about life insurance would be useful? If you have young children and his risk of heart attack, cancer or stroke is high, I wonder if a really horribly blunt conversation about how you would support your children after he dies early would be useful for him or you. How would they go to university or pay for driving lessons or a wedding etc if he died early? Not a weepy teary recriminating conversation, just a practical forward planning one. I wonder if that would shock him into making changes. It would be a horrible conversation though.

If not at least you would have a plan B in order.

It's hard but will be go to GP?
I booked mine in for a health check.
Worked a bit short term. He's not obese but defo a stone + over weight.
But doesn't seem that bothered. I find it very unattractive and annoys me as we have two kids.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I'm somewhere between radical acceptance that there is not a lot I can do in this situation and having one last go at trying to steer him in the direction of the doctor.

@Coatsoff42 The suggestion about looking into life insurance is a good one because he is very practical about things like that and anything related to looking after me or the kids he is very receptive... it's just he seems to have a massive blind spot about his own health.

thank you again!

This sounds extremely difficult😥
I think I would 'drop the rope'; stop mentioning his health or what he eats but continue to stick to a healthy diet and lifestyle for myself and the children.

It is hard, I’ve been through this with family and honestly I feel like you have to let people live their life how they want to, it’s their life however long if short it is. But then also they can’t whinge on either. You can’t take on worrying over someone else’s choices. If they want help you can support them 100% but I feel like you will spend your life worrying about something you can’t change, when you could just accept it and as long as the worst case scenarios are covered for you and your kids, you can carry on being happy and enjoying your husband for what he is, which is presumably a great guy and father.
I really hope you come to some sort of satisfactory compromise and achieve peace for yourself x

I’d strongly advise anyone with children to get life insurance, OP, you should both get coverage.

We never know what life’s going to throw at us and I know someone this has happened to- her DH, 35 and apparently healthy, died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. 🙁 Luckily he had life insurance, which made a huge difference to his family. The last thing we want is to leave a DP struggling to bring up our children.

We're in a similar but much more cooperative situation. DH is a bit overweight, but is a bit more aware and well meaning. He's on a restricted diet for other medical reasons which means he struggles with satiety and is limited on what he can eat out and about, so goes for a lot of fast/junk food.

We have, however, just begun the Zoe nutrition thing. Two weeks of blood sugar monitoring have now translated into both of us making better choices.

Hopefully when we get our full results back it'll continue.

Could you do something like this together? It's not cheap (but cheaper than one of us not being able to work). We also have a home blood pressure monitor, we compare sleep scores (Garmin watches) in the morning, and compare physical activity achievements. We both read Peter Attia's book Outlive (DH listened to the audiobook). Being on the same page about healthy aging is brilliant.

I really think you need to have a very frank conversation about your fears and about ageing in general.

We have talked about getting fit and strong and staying so, so that we can enjoy physically active lives once we're less tied down by small children (and hopefully retirement).

I couldn’t actually be in a marriage with someone like this. I’d find it so unattractive & depressing. Why doesn't he want to look after himself and avoid illness & health problems? I would have to give him an ultimatum. Up to him what he chooses.

Hi
You sound just like me. My hubby has put weight on i have tryed and tried to explain to him,if he keeps this up he will become house bound. We have arguments about it. Sometimes j get him to walk around the village which gets him going, then we get home, and he then has a nap in the afternoon. I truly think he wants to die before me, because he doesn't want to be on his own.we are both 78 in december . I have called him selfish, and the rest. It makes no difference. We have been married 58 Yr in December.