Bingeing and unhappy with weight

[Superscientist]

I don't know what I want from this but I'm not happy with the weight I have gained since I stopped breastfeeding 2 and a half years ago. I lost a lot of weight as my daughter had allergies and I was on a very restricted diet trying to figure it all out. I had to stop to start a medication which was prone for weight gain. I gained nearly a stone in the first few weeks. I did need to gain this weight but since then it gone up and up.

I have a long history of eating disorders and I'm trying really hard to be positive about my bigger size. I'm bigger than I am comfortable with but do accept I'm not overweight and don't look overweight but it's still hard with seeing the number on the scales.

I had treatment resistant severe depression after having my daughter and the recovery from this has given me a bit of a binge eating problem. The secret eating is hard. Constantly having to remember where I had hidden the wrappers and where the nearest public bins are. I think I would be happier with the weight gain if it was due to regular weight gain and not because of the binging but I can't seem to get a handle on it. Our diets at home are already quite restricted with my daughters allergies that contemplating a diet is off-putting and that's without the risk of switching to a more restrictive disordered eating

I don't know how to say any of this to people in my life

It sounds like you have had a really tough time. I’m not sure a standard conventional diet would be a good thing for you as you have a history of disordered eating, have you reached out to anyone to talk to about how you are feeling? I have binge eating issues so I empathise with your struggles, it’s so hard. For me it was about control and stress, binge eating in secret became a harmful habit how I dealt with all my feelings. I did have quite a lot of therapy before I tackled my actual diet, to try to disconnect my thoughts and feelings away from food. One thing I did find helpful was becoming more mindful of my body and when I was or wasn’t hungry. It is not as easy to just stop eating the foods that we turn to when we have the urge. However perhaps you could just focus on taking care of yourself for now, doing nice things for you? are there any activities you like doing? I have managed to lose weight through calorie counting but I think it’s important to tackle all the underlying feelings as you go along, so that you don’t swap one issue for another one x