I need serious help with treats and sugar and willpower

[miserablepeony]

I am a year pp and I recently went back to work.
Since getting pregnant in 2022 I have let myself go. I have zero willpower, I’ve always struggled with it due to having bulimia in my teens and overcoming restrictive habits well into my twenties. I had a good relationship with exercise and wasn’t going mad with food until I got pregnant, then I started “rewarding myself” every day with a treat as I had a rough pregnancy.

I should exercise but I just don’t feel like I have time juggling a horrifically stressful job in mental health services and a young child. I can’t remember the last time I drank a decent amount of water in a day.

Fast forward to now where none of my clothes fit me, I hate looking at myself, I hate how my body feels, I don’t recognise myself. I cannot seem to stop myself once there is food around me - case and point today there was a CPD at work, others would take one small cake bar and that was it. Oh no, I had 2 cookies, 2 iced cake bars (took a pack of 2 home with me as they were leftover and I ate those too!) and some chocolates, then went out for lunch with a friend, and this evening still had a big dinner plus some chocolate for pudding. On top of a yogurt and cereal bar for breakfast.

I have no semblance of a normal day of food because one day can be quite controlled such as yogurt and berries for breakfast, big salad for lunch, then I ruin it in the evening with a takeaway and wine. Or it starts with bourbon biscuits for breakfast simply because they are there in the office. I can’t remember the last day I felt like I ate normal portions, or ate like my colleagues with their small neat Tupperware.

I have type 1 diabetes, which considering my diet, is fairly well controlled. I get recurrent thrush (TMI) at least once every 2-3 weeks.

I just can’t seem to control myself. I am overnight and hate myself. I feel disgusting.

I resent and regret every time I eat but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s got to a point where I am just going through the motions of eating crap because i don’t like myself and don’t feel deserving of any effort. It feels insurmountable to tackle everything and lose weight and still juggle a normal life.
How the hell do I pull myself out of this and be normal and restrained like everyone else?!?

Type 2 here. I find if my diabetes isn't controlled properly I get oral thrush.
Maybe instead of trying to dive in headfirst, just try one little habit change at a time? Like say have a healthy breakfast. Just do that for a while then go on to tackle another meal/snack.
I found this book very helpful: The Kindness Method Changing Habits For Good by Shahroo Izadi
She also does one called The Last Diet. I found the kindness method the most helpful.

Some of your language about yourself is very worrying, like "hate myself and the word "disgusting". You're very harsh on yourself. Anyone would recognise that having a young child and a stressful job is a lot of pressure and having extra snacks might help relieve the stress, it doesn't make you disgusting.

You don't need willpower as it comes and goes and isn't very good to rely on long term, discipline is what you need! But if you fuck up and eat something bad who cares it's not the end of the world, saddle up and go again tomorrow.

All or nothing isn't the right way to think about fat loss because you will have good days and bad days but as long as more good than bad you'll be fine over the long run.

Try and get out of the cycle of sugar and try and get into the habit of 70% dark chocolate. It is hard but sugary foods are so addictive.

I do agree sugary snacks and drinks are highly addictive, for me personally cold turkey was the only way. I don't find I can dip in and out of them like some people, if I could I never would have gotten obese in the first place! I rarely have any snacks with added sugars now, but I do allow myself snacks with natural sugars like a couple of dates or a piece of fruit. Oh and 85% cocoa chocolate 😬

I do treat myself by having my favourite fruits that may even be a bit pricey like lychees, cherries or strawberries so I don't feel deprived.

As I say it was all or nothing for me personally.

Oh and re: the chocolate, you can work up so go to dark milk, then 55%, then 70%, then 85% etc. Your taste buds adjust. It's like if you ever changed to using semi-skimmed milk and then you have skimmed and it suddenly tastes like water. The same things happens.