I’ve had a lot of these thoughts swirling around my head and wanted to put them down somewhere.
I don’t imagine that any of this is unique to me, and guess others have felt some of these things, or all of them, at some point before.
Disclaimer: these are my views of weight loss having been up to BMI 38 and down to 25, and everything in between. Currently somewhere in the middle of that.
#1 - For me to change my eating habits to be healthier (aka start a diet), I have to both love and hate myself at the same time. It’s only when I really hate how my body looks and feels, but also when I feel love for myself (that I deserve better and can change my situation) that I’m able to change habits for the better. If I feel wholly negative about myself I might hate my body more than at other times, but it won’t lead to the switch being flicked and me feeling able to make changes. I need to feel some positivity too. I have no idea what triggers or sustains that positivity though.
Unsurprisingly I’ve never felt wholly positive about myself….
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#2 - Weight loss makes me more critical of my body, not less, even as I get slimmer. It’s that feeling of being removed from reality, isn’t it? That you’ve got your head stuck in the sand about how you look. So when I’ve lost a couple of stone I feel so much better, but also look in the mirror more and feel critical of every bit of fat I can pinch on my body. And then I wonder in disgust how massive I must have been at BMI 38, and feel so ashamed of myself (but weirdly didn’t feel that shame so acutely when I was bigger, as I had my head in the sand…). So now I’m trying to keep a positive mindset in order to lose weight, but have to deal with this negativity at the same time.
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#3 - A ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food day (or even meal) can dramatically change how I feel about my body. When I’m on plan and doing well I feel physically slimmer and leaner. (And emotionally happier)
But if I go off plan a little or have a big meal or a binge, even if I’ll get back on plan later and I know rationally it’s not a problem in the grand scheme of things (the 80:20 idea), I can physically feel a few stone heavier. Suddenly my body feels bigger, more cumbersome; I’m sure I can pinch more fat on all parts of me than before this day/meal. What I see in the mirror is fat and disgusting, and I’m squeezed like a sausage into my clothes. Even if before that meal I felt svelte and light, and happy in my skin and clothes. And even if rationally I know I just look exactly the same as before.
(And therefore doubt kicks in - did I even actually look good? How can I ever know for sure if I look good or not if I can’t trust my brain from one moment to the next?)
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I’m sure there are more points my brain hasn’t organised yet too.
The big thing this screams out to me is how psychological weight loss is for me. The fact that I can think so differently about my body depending on food is bizarre. And pretty disordered.
Anyone else relate to this fucked-up-ness of thinking?