I finally understand what's going on. It's purely psychological - and yet I still can't make myself stop eating.

[SallySynonym]

I’ve put on around 4 stone in the last few years. I’ve always been curvy, big boobed etc and put on weight very easily – I only need to look at a bag of crisps… I was blaming lockdown, looking back at photos of myself, I can see that I started to change in late 2020 and then the weight seemed to just pile on from that point onward. I was certainly quite depressed and found it hard to cope with lockdown. At one point, I even wondered, but was scared to voice my fears, if my rapid weight gain was linked to the vaccine. I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum from anti-vaxxers so didn’t want to come across that way, but I was looking at a picture of myself on my way into the vaccination centre first time, versus another photo around four months later and I can’t believe how much weight I gained in that period.

I was missing the obvious reason. I work in an extremely demanding job, often long hours, lots of stress. Despite being stressful I can usually cope ok. In summer 2020 a new colleague – senior to me but not my line manager – joined and has been making my life hell. Earlier this year I took a three-month secondment to a different department; still fast-paced, stressful and with long hours, but without the bullying and harassment I’m experiencing in my main role. During this time, I started 16:8 and I found it really easy to incorporate into my lifestyle and maintain the programme. I also started exercising more; I used to love running but a mixture of feeling like “what’s the point?” during lockdown and feeling so drained after work that all I want to do is eat and sleep, means I totally got out of the habit. Using C25K I started running 3 times per week again. But I still hadn’t connected the dots. I hadn’t lost a startling amount of weight but it was starting to look noticeable and I felt so much better.

16:8 fell away from me in the early summer and the weight started piling on again. It’s only at that point that I finally realised that lockdown, vaccinations etc were a red herring. This colleague started in June 2020 and I’ve been medicating through food since then. I was able to stick to a healthy eating pattern only when that stress was removed from my life. My issue is 100% psychological.
Some of the things I do are: After a stressful and horrible meeting with this person I’ll nip out out for a bar of chocolate to make myself feel better, or knowing I have a horrible day coming up so I fortify myself with breakfast beforehand, or come home so upset that I again go out and get a cake, bag of crisps, chocolate etc as a treat in the evening. Working from home is even worse. I try not to have temptation in the house but sometimes I get so stressed that I end up boiling a load of pasta and eating it with butter, or defrosting something from the freezer to have as a “pick-me-up” snack when it’s actually a full on extra meal!

I’ve been trying to get back onto 16:8 – it’s genuinely the only eating plan which has ever worked for me. After a month of false starts (doing things mentioned above), I made it an entire week! And then, last night, after a horrific day and getting stressed about what is ahead today, I ended up having a load of toast at midnight. I feel so awful and angry with myself now.

So, (thank you if you have read this far), I know what works for me, I have motivation to lose weight and I know that I’m breaking this for purely psychological reasons. That should be enough to see me through, but it’s not. How do I keep going? How do I stop myself reaching for food every time I feel stressed? Any tips are appreciated.

I should mention that there is a long and drawn out process happening to address the bullying and that the person concerned is on a 4 year contract so will leave next year. I have also had periods signed off sick but I found my constant binge eating was even worse at home with nothing to do and feeling guilty about being off work/wanting to get back because I genuinely enjoy the work I do when this person isn’t around. Also, I’m not laying the blame for my weight gain with another person; I realise this is all down to my choices and responses to that person.

@SallySynonym your post really resonated with me. I’m short and have always been curvy - apart from a weird phase in my 20’s where I was tiny.
Currently a good 3st overweight and the biggest I’ve ever been. I’ve also realised recently that I stress eat. (I’m a therapist too - not sure why it’s taken me this long to work out 😂) we’ve had an incredibly stressful few years with complicated family issues, births, several deaths and the usual stuff of parenting / work etc.
I’m working on trying to be a bit more aware of the issue. Also feeling mega unfit, so trying to push myself a bit further and steeper on my daily dog walks. I usually go all out with diet and exercise for about a week or so before crashing and burning. Trying this time to make smaller, gradual changes that I hope will be easier to maintain. I usually hit 10k steps easily, so i’m aiming for 13k now. I think some time off booze might help too, as I’m a major crisp eater with my wine.

so sorry to hear about your bullying issue. People can be so cruel. I hope it’s resolved and you can start leaving this chapter behind.

Once you start to recognise this is a binge and restrict way of living you will understand it’s an eating disorder. I am a binge eater. It’s all stress related all emotional. Over eating is not properly recognised as a MH issue and there is virtually no help for this type of eating disorder.

It is a comforting way to live too, because you get such an intense rush of comforting feel good emotions from eating and feeling full, it’s addictive even. The guilt comes after, the shame and self hatred when you make yourself 1000 promises to stop, be fit be healthy, change and you feel a failure for having no willpower. People will just tell you to eat less or feel less stressed but this doesn’t always help.

Dealing with the underlying stress and emotions of bullying through therapy is step 1. They might not be able to help you with food per se but they can teach you ways to detach yourself from stressful situations and find coping mechanisms for when you do feel stressed. I had a stress related mental burn out 2 years ago - I was a mess. I had to have 8 weeks of therapy to even feel remotely normal and understand it wasn’t my fault I can’t always fix everything and not everything is my responsibility. I can’t tell you specifically how to manage stress but I can’t tell you try not to manage it all on your own. Get some professional help!

Once you feel you are managing stress in a healthier way you may (or may not) feel less inclined to turn to food. I still want to but I have other ways of relieving stress now so food is not always my go to saviour.

Stress causes your body to have physical reactions and affects your appetite, sleep, energy levels, everything. Work to take care of your mental health and once you are in a better place you can look at your relationship with food. If you can afford to, try to find a therapist who has experience with eating disorders. ❤️

Thank you both. One of the most frustrating things is not being taken seriously when I say I'm stressed, because I'm fat and getting fatter. There is this assumption that stressed people are thin, pale and gaunt and I've had members of my own family, as well as my boss, say "the situation can't be getting to you that much - you're eating well enough". (Boss has since changed opinion and is much more supportive).

I just don't know what to do when I have that NEED to eat. It doesn't matter how many times my brain tells itself that it's just stress and I don't need to succumb to it.

@SallySynonym
I just don't know what to do when I have that NEED to eat. It doesn't matter how many times my brain tells itself that it's just stress and I don't need to succumb to it.

Just like yourself Op, someone close to me got a new line manager (LM) who was a total bitch to everyone in the dept. This close person struggles majorly with anxiety and felt they were being torn to ribbons by this LM, and their way of dealing with it was to buy family sized bags and bags (30-40) of crisps every few days, hide them throughout the house , and would just comfort eat them whilst cooking meals, when their partner was in the bath, at 2, 3, 4 am. You name it, it was crisp eating time as it was the only thing that calmed them down.

During that time their weight shot up 3.5 stone.

This person is my partner.

Only when the LM was moved on to another branch of the company did his thoughts focus on things other than the LM at home as well as work, the crisp buying grew less, and his weight began to drop (2st), but this has taken 2.5 years so far.

I would say from this that until that until your bully is TOTALLY out of your life in every way, your mind will (probably subconsciously) remain fixed on food.

Op, I hope you have good support, and that you are completely listened to by all that matter, and that this bully is removed, as all bullies need to be shown and learn that their actions have consequences. Good luck.