Partner with BED, how to approach it...again

[Cantfaceoldage]

Hi, my oh44 of 10 years has BED, (depression and anxiety also) has been in NHS course and various but basically doesn't seem to care that it's so bad for him and not likely to see our his 50s, even though he talks about retirement plans and life ahead. We have 2 kids. Yet again I find the cupboard raided, of anything (now the choc buttercream) I try to be supportive and not chide or shame him, we buy and eat healthy food but it's the secret eating or anything left in cupboards, even when I hide most stuff ie baking bits......but what on earth can I do, he's eating into an early grave. It feels he doesn't care about any of us. He holds down a good job he enjoys, but is lazy and just doesn't seem to want to do the things that will enable him to enjoy life more. Always aches pains joints etc. I love him but I will start to resent his lack of self care and impact on us esp if /when he has health issues. Any advice?

Bed?

Sorry, Binge Eating Disorder

is he overweight, is the binge eating a diagnosis or your perception?
the men in my life (dh and sons) don't eat like a tiny woman tiny portions ladies lunch type. and will occasionally ramsack my pantry and binge (crackers/nuts/dates/pumpkin seeds...then ice cream and demand i bake a cake)
but they are healthy active men and simply can't survive on my 1200 calorie diet/meal planning.

Def diagnosed Binger, for about 20+ years. Was 19 stone a few years back now 23 stone, just piling on with the secret eating. I don't know how to encourage weight loss as it's so mixed up with depression and 20 plus years of bad habits. We don't have no naughty food, as restrictions can make him binge more, but no matter what , he keeps eating.

It’s an addictive behaviour like alcoholism and it’s hard to treat. You have to really want to give it up like you do for booze or gambling, and it often takes several goes.

If he’s tried therapeutic approaches and they aren’t for him, then I would see the GP about being referred for weight loss drug treatments (which will kill his appetite) and surgery if that doesn’t work.

If you think another round of therapy is worth trying contact the GP and also BEAT/The Nightingale Hospital who run online groups. You can also explore OA, which some people find really helpful (you can ignore the god bits).

It would be worth doing some reading around it OP as it sounds like you are (understandably) struggling to get your head around it.

Lots of people find high protein and quitting sugar and very processed food for a while helpful. I know it would be annoying for you but if he does agree to try again if you can keep sugary/whitebready stuff out of the house for a couple months it would really help him (you could lock it in the car boot if you need to have it,)

Also did he get CBT - the GP can refer to that.

Personally I think getting shot of sugar and other UPF from the house is a good idea. You can have it outside the house, but it can be almost impossible to moderate at home.

Thanks continentallentil, we do talk about it, I try to ask how I can help. I agree sugar is a big problem for him, and we could definitely try that as a family. But he'd just go get it elsewhere, secretly 😞. I think he had CBT "doesn't work", I've suggested hypnotherapy...too "wishy washy". He tries to moderate the kids "so they don't end up like me". He's just so all over the place, I don't know where to start again. A big sit down and a family removal of upf together might be a good start, and jointly. But then he secret eats, gets the guilty, which makes him more anxious, it's an awful cycle. Thank you for the support. I will possibly suggest we go to the GP together.

I think going to the GP together is a good plan.

And if he is just resisting attempts to psychology tackle it, I reckon drug treatment might be the way to go. Once he loses some weight he might feel better and be able to tackle the root cause.

It’s so hard isn’t it. I hope things get better for you both.

Really really hard. He has a compulsion to eat and eat to fill a hole, for whatever reason. I am a recovering binge eater/sugar addiction. It is not easy and thankfully my weight never got that out of control. I started a support programme in February which has massively helped but yes you have to want to.

Can he or you identify his triggers? Stress, tiredness etc. Can he ever sit with those feelings? He's likely pushing down feelings/needs that are just too uncomfortable but before he gets to an of that he'll need to get off it for a while to start seeing things more clearly. Definitely clear the house of all the crap, meal plan, three meals only may suit. Leave bank card at home... this sounds necessary. I am a secret eater too, have zero interest in junk or even dessert say, in company. Normalise it for him maybe. Get all the support you/he can.

I know he’s dismissed hypnotherapy, but would he try one of the Paul McKenna books on the basis that he’s only investing a tenner and McKenna makes a big thing of it not mattering if you believe in it or not for it to work? Virtual gastric band or emotional eating might work for him. A friends husband has lost 4 stone and says he genuinely has not felt hungry and has had no desire to binge. Worth a try maybe?

I had diagnosed BED. Since childhood diagnosed late 20s. No help given on NHS, it was not my "primary" diagnosis which was EUPD/BPD but related to it IYSWIM. I found Overeaters Anon ymous and it has helped so much. I am also seeing a therapist about childhood trauma and utilising Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skills which do help but OA has been the most help with the eating.

Suggest that he looks on the BEAT website for their Momentum programme. It is a guided self help course, they will send out a copy of the book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' and then support him as he works through it. He does need the motivation to want to change for himself though

Lots of good advice. Something he will find really hard is being completely honest with you, lots of lies and secrets are natural habits of the secret binge eater. Encourage him to be completely honest, even when he fails and try meet this without judgement.

I was just thinking about this again OP, and at risk of stating the bleeding obvious, one of the most important things I find is to eat 3 regular meals, with a lot of protein and fibre, everyday. I am a great deal less likely to binge if I do this. I think people recovering from EDs need structure because we don’t know how to eat normally.

Thanks for all your messages. Some really helpful advice. We've recently bought an air fryer (I know... bandwagon) but in the hope we can focus on cooking food fresh food better, in an appealing way (also our oven is rubbish!) So starting with a purge on anything leftover in the freezer and any other upf items, along with a conversation about why, is the first point. After previous counselling and help groups he does do 3 meals a day but they are too focussed on cereal/adding sugar/ bread etc. He does like a nice big salad but more reliant on me organising and making - we do meal plan so i will spell it out what we're having more (&things to look forward to ie prawn cocktail/prawn salad, careful of the dressing) . Also he loves good strong flavours so curries with veg in and brown rice etc. I sat up and composed some things I need to say to him (not to guilt him, but so set it all out) and will look at the resources mentioned here. Tx all.

OP, you are such a supportive partner. Your ideas are all good and you don't sound judgemental, which I promise you is massive. I do think tho that your dh has to take ownership of this also. It is really important. He can't expect you to do it for him. I highly recommend a support group of some sort. A pp mentioned OA or if you want info on the one I'm with, pm me. Wishing you and him the very best.

I second @mikado1 - your love and care comes across so strongly OP. What you don’t say is whether your DH wants to change?

You didn’t cause this, and you can’t cure it. He needs to understand the impact of his behaviour and want to change and then implement changes.

What should you do? You can point him in the direction of all the useful advice given here. But the reality is, what you need to do is accept the limits of your control. If it was me, I would re-focus on the impact this is having on you and your DC and prioritise that.

Thank you again, I promise I am really judgemental of him, but try to hide it!
To answer, I don't know if he wants to change?! Maybe I need to ask him this? He has said before he's "not scared of dying", implying it's not an issue. (I was fuming as implies not caring about us) he also works hard in a job he enjoys and says he wants to retire at 55 ish (?!?) as he thinks he'll be mentally 'done' by then. And we are planning to move to a certain area to work with that (which I am happy to do) but this conflicts with not seeking to care about himself and being fit or able to actually enjoy any sort of retirement. The more I write the more I reason that he needs to really hear all this to see how conflicted he is, and start to work towards something positive. I like to think I am a resilient person but this is wearing me down, feeling like there's no future sometimes. I will work on all your suggestions, thank you for listening.

Definitely have a warts and all talk, full of support of course, but in the end is he prepared to eat himself to death/disease? I really do feel for him, I know that compulsion. It is so difficult, he will have to take it hour by hour at times, even minutes. He will need to be determined and supported and yes he will have to work hard on his sobriety from this. Again, mentioning support groups. I really do hope he takes your lead on this.

Hi all, thank you for your advice waaay back then. We are at a stage now where we have had several long discussions, probably more than one a month since January, I have offered more help and support. Financial and anything else. He's has a sickness meeting at work too due to weight and mental health issues. He joined the gym in Jan, has been three times. I keep seeing the receipts and rubbish from more and more food. He says he's working on it. I have given him a 'if we have a future together and for the sake of the kids'... He booked hypnotherapy, and didn't go I think....that was today. I saw his tag arrive at the place on the phone. Then ten mins later he was in maccy ds. So he either got the appointment wrong, or bottled it due to anxiety (but it was a hypnotherapist for anxiety) he had a weekend away this weekend to think and get his head together before this hypnotherapy, and had a maccy ds and sausage rolls and a huge £30 of dominoes and a full English. How much more do I need to do? If he can't make it to the appointment, I just don't know where to go. He says he wants to change, but the addiction is too much. My good friends say he needs to hit absolute rock bottom, so do I ask him to leave until he can commit to help? I can't see any other way. Feels so bleak. I love him but it's messing my head up now

It seems to me it is like being with an alcoholic. The motivation for change needs to come from within, otherwise it won't work. You want to change him but he does not seem interested in changing himself one bit.

My father had a similar attitude to food all his life, now he is severely disabled and my mother is his carer, the disability is self-inflicted but others are forced to bear the consequences. If I were you I would not be willing to stay in a relationship with an addict, it doesn't matter to me if it's alcohol, drugs, gambling or food.

@CortieTat , yes I think that's where I am, I cannot envisage a future for us and kids that is happy for anyone! Thank you for your thoughts. Trying to get on with work and life but so mixed up. Feels mean to leave someone because of this, but I cannot see another way, it's making me miserable!