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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Original poster

Is the judgement of others ever conducive to weight loss?

49 replies

44PumpLane · 10/08/2023 22:04

Genuine question for you all?

My husband has just gone on about how he happily finds bigger women attractive but not unhealthy women.

That I'm being unhealthy and that I owe him and my children the effort to be healthy.

There was talk about reaching the point of no return, where you are simply so unhealthy you can't come back from it.

What if, in 10 years time, he has some accident and needs to be looked after, he'd be fucked as what if I can't even walk up the stairs by then?

For perspective, I'm 5'5" and 12st12lb.....I am on the cusp of being medically qualified as obese. I'm a size 14.

For the majority of our relationship I've been about 10st-10st7lb ish which is the higher end of the healthy BMI.

Since having twins nearly 7 years ago I have yoyo'd but this is the heaviest I've ever been and I've proba my been this weight for about a year now.

I want to lose weight, I don't know where my motivation has gone. But am I wrong in thinning he is deluded if he thinks his comments are in any way helpful?!

OP posts:
WhoHidTheCoffee · 10/08/2023 22:06

Generous of him to assume you’d be looking after him in ten years’ time if he talks to you like that…..

YANBU. Self-improvement rarely starts well from a place of shaming, in my personal experience, whether it’s done by you or others.

Original poster
44PumpLane · 11/08/2023 06:55

I must say I agree with you, I was thinking in my head "that one is easily solved.....I'll just leave you to it"!!

Don't get me wrong I do agree that health is super important and something that we should aim for, but the way he was going on you'd think I needed to be craned out the house!!! I can easily walk miles and miles!!!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2023 07:14

I’d bet a considerable sum that he’s only mentioned health because he believes that that is a kinder way to say you’re fat and that he wants you to lose weight so he’ll fancy you more.

I notice as well that the reasons he wants you to lose it are all about him and what he wants and needs. So he will find you attractive. So that you’ll be able to look after him. Nothing really to do with you or your wants and needs.

I don’t need to tell you that you need to lose weight for yourself not him. Because you know that. What you do need to think hard about is why your husband is such a selfish arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
44PumpLane · 11/08/2023 07:28

I reiterated to him when he was saying this last night that I didn't owe him my weight or health, that it absolutely had to be about me and for me.

Now he does suffer from some anxieties, and one of them will be that I die prematurely and leave him and the kids behind but I do agree with you, I also believe he's spouting "health" when what he really means is that I've put on weight and he's less attracted to me. Also that's kind of fair enough, I think it's fair enough from his perspective that the additional weight has made me less attractive. I would be less attracted to someone who had put on 3 stone. I don't blame him for that as I think that's not unsurprising. We all wish it wasn't the case but it's true that many individuals are visual creatures.

However I think he's incredibly dumb if he thinks his delivery will lead to any change or improvement in habits. It's not exactly a supportive "how do I help" delivery is it!

OP posts:
MoggyP · 11/08/2023 07:34

I think he's put his opinion quite tactfully - rooting it in concern for your health (though agree the assumption about being a carer is a bit Hmm )

And of course he's right - obesity is bad for your health, and being on the borderline isn't great either. He still finds you attractive, and has only just mentioned ("gone on about") this now.

Face it. He's right.
Ability to walk miles now isn't the sole determinant of health, and the damage of being very overweight might only show up after many years.

Now what are you going to do? Blame him for you decisions about whether you lose weight? Or be an adult, take responsibility and decide for yourself?

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 07:34

Weight and health are not the same thing and your husband is wrong to use that against you, especially to make it all about him.

Im technically obese but look after my health through regular weight training and walk everywhere.

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 07:35

I doubt it's helpful but I absolutely get being so concerned about a loved one's health you have to at least try. I'm furious with my late DH that he didn't love us enough to give up smoking, leaving me to deal alone with children traumatised by the early (long, painful and distressing) death of their father. I loved him, but I was so so worried about this happened and yes I did "nag" him about it (to no effect), probably sometimes I was quite unkind about it, but it was only because I so desperately didn't want this to happen.

What would motivate you to deal with it if it's not your children and husband?

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 07:36

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 07:34

Weight and health are not the same thing and your husband is wrong to use that against you, especially to make it all about him.

Im technically obese but look after my health through regular weight training and walk everywhere.

They're not exactly the same thing but being "fit" doesn't protect you from many of the health risks of obesity and OP is taking about a situation where she can't get up the stairs.

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 07:37

BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2023 07:14

I’d bet a considerable sum that he’s only mentioned health because he believes that that is a kinder way to say you’re fat and that he wants you to lose weight so he’ll fancy you more.

I notice as well that the reasons he wants you to lose it are all about him and what he wants and needs. So he will find you attractive. So that you’ll be able to look after him. Nothing really to do with you or your wants and needs.

I don’t need to tell you that you need to lose weight for yourself not him. Because you know that. What you do need to think hard about is why your husband is such a selfish arsehole 🤷‍♀️

It could be that or it could be that he's tried showing concern for OP and her health previously and now he's trying the "if you can't do it for yourself do it for us" tack.

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 07:39

Being slim and weak wouldn’t help in her husband’s scenario either though. You can be strong and fit despite your weight.

Sugarfree23 · 11/08/2023 07:39

Fat shaming doesn't help anyone. Fat people know they are fat, they know it's not healthy but loosing weight is easier said than done.

Ignoring him do you want to loose weight?
How are you planning on doing it?

anothertrainwreck · 11/08/2023 07:41

Given the way we treat fat people in society (demonstrated by this OP and some responses), if shame and judgement were an effective weight loss motivator, everyone would already be thin.

It doesn’t work.

And “concerns about health” are often used as a very thin veil for being unkind to fat people.

BHRK · 11/08/2023 07:44

If you are obese you are not “looking after your health” through walking and lifting some weights. The facts speak for themselves - obesity puts you at significantly higher risk of heart disease, many types of cancer, dying younger, diabetes… it also costs the NHS billions.
OP, you are very overweight (I’ve been there, I was 14st after pregnancy at your height, now back down to 10st something) and your DH is right to worry it’s a long term thing and you are damaging your health. It’s probably also true he finds you less attractive.
you are 100% right though that you don’t owe him your health, you need to think about what your weight means to YOU

Inkpotlover · 11/08/2023 07:45

My OH has said a similar thing to me - that he’s not concerned about my weight per se, but he is worried about my health. I’m 5ft 8, 14 stone and medically obese and at 51 I am really starting to feel the strain on my body of lugging around the equivalent of ten laptops strapped to me! (Yes I worked it out!) So I think it’s okay for your DH to express concern. But I also agree him saying it didn’t have the desired effect… at first. After a few years of my OH saying it and then starting to feel my age, it dawned on me he was right and I am currently in the midst of a major health overhaul.

FloweryName · 11/08/2023 07:50

You’re calling him dumb, that’s a worse thing to say to or about your partner than clumsily telling you that in his opinion your weight has increased too much.

How did the conversation come about?

LifeofBrienne · 11/08/2023 07:51

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 07:36

They're not exactly the same thing but being "fit" doesn't protect you from many of the health risks of obesity and OP is taking about a situation where she can't get up the stairs.

Show quote history

She can get up the stairs! She said she can walk for miles. It’s her husband saying ‘what if you couldn’t get up the stairs.

Inkpotlover · 11/08/2023 07:59

LifeofBrienne · 11/08/2023 07:51

She can get up the stairs! She said she can walk for miles. It’s her husband saying ‘what if you couldn’t get up the stairs.

Show quote history

So could I carrying my extra weight ten years ago but now I’ve hit 50 I get out of puff easily and can’t walk as far as I could. I am kicking myself for not listening to my OH sooner and doing more to future-proof my body.

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 08:01

We can agree to disagree! I know I am strong and healthy, I don’t just ‘lift some weights’ I regularly strength train and could lift my husband if I needed to! How many people who are slim on here could do that? I look after my health by making sure I’m not frail when I’m older.

It’s lazy and inaccurate to judge people’s health based on their size. And for people who are our partners to make you ashamed for their selfishness.

VimtoPassion · 11/08/2023 08:03

Inkpotlover · 11/08/2023 07:59

So could I carrying my extra weight ten years ago but now I’ve hit 50 I get out of puff easily and can’t walk as far as I could. I am kicking myself for not listening to my OH sooner and doing more to future-proof my body.

Show quote history

Yes exactly this. I work with "fit" overweight young people who cope fine with a physical job. Overweight middleaged people leave on health grounds.

Inkpotlover · 11/08/2023 08:05

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 08:01

We can agree to disagree! I know I am strong and healthy, I don’t just ‘lift some weights’ I regularly strength train and could lift my husband if I needed to! How many people who are slim on here could do that? I look after my health by making sure I’m not frail when I’m older.

It’s lazy and inaccurate to judge people’s health based on their size. And for people who are our partners to make you ashamed for their selfishness.

I absolutely agree size is no barometer to health but presumably OP’s DH knows she isn’t exercising in the same way you do.

I also never felt fat shamed by my OH but rather exercise-shamed! He worried I wasn’t doing anything but the occasional swim. And he was right! I really need to step up and do the kind of thing you are doing so I am not frail in old age.

Sparkletastic · 11/08/2023 08:05

Body positivity and accurate medical knowledge sadly lacking amongst Mumsnet posters in general. Your husband has been crass and tactless.

Inkpotlover · 11/08/2023 08:08

Sparkletastic · 11/08/2023 08:05

Body positivity and accurate medical knowledge sadly lacking amongst Mumsnet posters in general. Your husband has been crass and tactless.

There is nothing positive about a body that cannot see you comfortably into old age because it’s under strain from excess weight.

xPeaceXx · 11/08/2023 08:10

A slim person doesn't have the same strain on their heart. Not all slim people are strong no, but they don't have the extra weight straining all of their metabolic and cardiovascular processes.

Listening to fat activists on youtube, you coukd be brainwashed in to believing that being obese doesn't affect your health. Don't fall for it.

Op, id lose some weight for your own sake. But if you tell your H he needs to deal with his anxieties (?) will he react well? Does he understand that's hard for you? Or is the relationship only considered from his perspective?

lightinthebox · 11/08/2023 08:13

How much child care does your husband do? Or housework? It’s easy to complain but is he willing to do more to give you time to exercise? As in regularly commit. Having the energy and willpower isn’t going to happen when you have twins to care for.

Catsfrontbum · 11/08/2023 08:16

Interesting thread. My good friend has I’ve the last 5 years gone from an unfit size 8, to an unfit size 14. She’s menopausal like me and feeling quite afew of the symptoms like fatigue, interrupted sleep and so on. W

Everytime I see her she calls me names- jokingly- but also not jokingly. Because I am a fit size 8. I watch what I eat and I exercise regularly. It’s a lifestyle and I have been this way since I had my final child.

I am like this because both my parents died relatively young and both of them lived very average quite unhealthy lives. Exercise was mocked- why have you joined a gym?! Why are you exercising on holiday?!? They didn’t eat brilliantly. They drank too much.

If your husband has health anxiety or fear of losing you, and that’s real then I can relate because my only motivation is to outlive my parents and have a fun active life with my kids. How I look is part of it too, but quite far down on the list. So when my friend gives me grief about being skinny I want to say to her piss off!!! My health is what’s important here, the shape/size is the added bonus.

FWIW, your shape and size is none of his business and if you’re happy then crack on. I just wanted to post to suggest his health concerns may be genuine.