DH's weight

[ComeAlongNow23]

So I know talking about a spouse's weight in Mumsnet is pretty taboo but I'm posting anyway.

DH needs to lose weight. He knows it. He says it. He's mid 40s with a large gut on him. All his family are the same. It's not an attraction thing. I still fancy him, love him dearly and we have a good sex life, (though I will admit some positions are not comfortable for me) but I'm more anxious for his health. He snores like a gorilla, I can see him breathing heavily over minor tasks and I feel his gait is ever so slightly veering into waddling territory.

He lost a lot of weight in the first lockdown and was really proud of himself, but as things opened up again, 2/3 of it went back on. I've struggled with my weight too over the years but have recently discovered IF and it has really worked for me. I suggested he might want to try it but, as is usual, he expressed an interest then didn't follow through.

He moans about how fat he is, he says he needs to lose weight but then does fuck all about it. We're due to go on holiday soon and I know that when he looks at pictures afterwards, he'll just keep talking about how fat he is. I don't know what to do. I don't want to offer platitudes ('of course you're not fat') but I also don't want to be cruel and I know that he'll only do it when he wants to, but I wish he would just stop complaining about it but doing nothing!

Is there anything I can do to encourage him?

No. It's up to him to want to and to actually do it.

Could you go to the gym together or get a PT?

He has a gym membership. Never uses it, so a complete waste of money. He'll make excuses for not going in the evenings after work such as it not being fair for me to always look after DC, but I've told him I don't mind doing this if it would allow him to go.

My boyfriend has struggled with his weight for a number of years now, he’s not as slim as he once was but he’s not as heavy as he once was either. Recently he tried on some old clothes and kept making comments about how he needed to lose a few pounds before he could wear it out publicly again. He often calls himself fat too.

Personally, I find him attractive, love his body, and think he looks good. I’ll reassure him when he’s feeling “fat” that he isn’t and looks good but it has started to become really taxing. We’re also due to go on holiday soon and I know he’ll be trying to keep his t-shirt on more than he should.

Hearing someone put themselves down repeatedly is a lot. It’s hard to keep reassuring someone they’re not a certain way when that’s how they view themselves. I personally try to build my boyfriends confidence but seem to have a winning streak at failing!

I ended up snapping at him one day and said he needed to stop putting himself down because it was hard to hear. I reassured him I loved him, his body, and only wanted him to be happy and comfortable within himself. I did tell him that if he felt he needed to lose weight then he should act on it rather moan about it because it’s becoming an unhealthy fixation of his and in turn effecting our relationship as I am constantly trying to reassure him and build his confidence up without success.

It worked. He stopped saying he was fat and stopped putting himself down. Of course there’s the odd comment but not as much.

I have been trying to cook more healthier options for us when we’re together and if we do get a takeout, I tend to put the leftovers in the bin straightaway so he can’t go back and reheat it to eat again. I’ve also been trying to pick better restaurants rather fast food places for when we do grab a bite to eat.

I continue to compliment him daily and try to build his confidence up and it’s become easier because now he will say thanks rather “I’m fat”.

Sometimes a bit of tough love helps!

I also agree with this though. There’s only so much you can do but the majority he has to do himself.

Be supportive but don’t burn yourself out either.

Get Netflix and both do an at home mini workout together there's loads to choose from a whole category just for fitness bonus points if you already have Netflix maybe if you work with him it might push him that little bit more and he won't feel alone

I think the problem is, if he says 'I'm fat', looking for me to say he's not, it's tricky because I do believe he needs to lose some weight for his health. If I just reassure him constantly, it masks the issue. He's also been talking about his ankles and knees hurting and he's acknowledged losing some weight might help with that but, again, he doesn't do anything about it.

I've tried to get him into home fitness like that before and he just says he's not interested in that sort of thing. He likes cycling, but doesn't do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest with him.

If he says he's fat, then I personally reckon it's OK for you to say "you keep saying that and then not doing anything about it. I also think you need to lose weight, so how can I help you?"

I wouldn't expect my husband to reassure me if I knew I was getting fat, so don't see why its any different when roles are reversed.

There's nothing you can do ... I am overweight and of course I know it but have no wish to do 'joint workouts' or cook healthy meals with my (fit, active) DH. I know how to lose weight but am just lazy, the difference I suppose is that I never moan about the fact I am overweight and my DH never makes any comment.

Could you try and get a health check with the GP or privately? You could offer to have one too. My DP is a numbers person so seeing blood pressure, weight, blood glucose, cholesterol numbers brings it home. I’m not saying he will have health issues brought up or these numbers will be automatically bad but it’s worth exploring. Sometimes ‘losing weight’ isn’t enough if a motivation.

Does he realise that snoring can be a sign of heart disease, hypertension, stroke, heart attack, and other severe issues like diabetes?
When did he have ant tests done last?

I think this is OK too. It's not insulting, it's just truthful. Be honest with him and basically tell him what you have said here.

When it comes to actual solutions, I can understand him being stuck in a rut with it and I would really recommend getting a PT.

Find someone who is used to working with people who are overweight/ specialises in this area. You don't want someone who only works with ultra fit people on strength building, they will push him too hard. He might need a more gentle approach and someone who will encourage him.

It's OK to try a couple of different people until he clicks with someone. Once you find a PT who really works with you and your personality, there's no going back - it's life changing.

This is incredibly difficult. I put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years, I’m loosing it and on a health kick, maybe a stone to go till back to normal, but weirdly even though I knew, i kinda kept looking at my husband to confirm I wasn’t actually fat, even though I hugely was.

someghing needed to click in my mind to make me deal with it, and it did, but honestly if my husband had said yup you’re fat, or similar I honestly think I’d just have been angry and upset with him, it wouldn’t have made me deal with it.

weight is a funny thing. We know. But we need to deal with it in our own time.

Nothing worse than someone who constantly moans about being fat, or lets it stop them doing family things, and never does anything about it.
It's tiring having to constantly deal with that.

That is the difference.. you don't moan and put it on other people.

So here we are post holiday and it's been lots of 'urgh, look at me in that one, I need to sort myself out.' So I said, 'well only you can do it' and then he started with 'well when do I have time to...' then proceeds to hoover up two packets of crisps while I'm trying to get back to a healthier way of eating because I know I've put on some weight whilst away.

I'm annoyed now. I can't sleep because of his snoring (hence why I'm posting now) and I know it's weight related.

My husband is also pretty overweight (XXL tshirts and maybe a size 42 waist in trousers) . He puts almost all his extra weight on his stomach so looks 8mo pregnant. He knows he is overweight and although he is great with exercise and working out he fails miserably with overeating, snacking or bingeing.

He is now late forties and I feel like it’s getting to a make or break situation for his health. I feel like all our bad lifestyle choices start to kick in once we’re 40. My husband had a good friend who was a large man (height and weight), but he also smoke and drank indulgently. At 47 he was out surfing, had a medical episode (presumed heart attack) and drowned leaving behind a wife and three primary school aged kids.

I am no saint. I was a size 8-10 until I hit my forties and with Covid the weight crept on (ended up a size 14). I am on weight loss meds plus a healthy diet & exercise and am losing the weight but it’s so much harder now compared to my twenties.

My only suggestion would be to let him know that you’re seriously worried for his health and encourage him to use any resource to lose the weight if he thinks he can’t do it by himself. For me it was Saxenda as I was desperate and couldn’t do it in my own. For him it might be a combination of a personal trainer, meal delivery service or medication.

My husband is not keen on the medication route (fair enough ) but he has started to use Hcg and peptides which do help you lose weight but are not specifically weight loss drugs. No think as I lose more and more weight it will help him step up.

I grew up with two very over weight grandfathers who didn’t really leave the house and never went on holiday or out and about apart from meals out.

Having seen my grandmothers in the position of spending their retirement doing the bulk of things and not having an active retirement, it is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I want age appropriate travel and adventure.

DH knows it will be a deal breaker for me. I don’t mind him cuddly and I’m not expecting him to have abs or anything but I will not be spending my retirement fetching him things and stuck at home, because he is struggling to walk.

If he gets Sick or is in accident or something that isn’t his fault then I would feel very different.

Thankfully we are both working hard on being active and dropping a few pounds.

But if your DH is waddling now and not sorting himself, what will he be like in 20 years?

I apologise if I sound harsh. My DH feels the same as his grandma was very similar and spent the last 15 years hardly leaving the house.

Waddling was probably a bit harsh. He's not really doing that, I think I was just a bit frustrated when I initially posted, but I hear you. I'm lucky in one sense that DH does do things with DC, will run around with them and take them on bike rides so he isn't 'inactive' as such, but I've seen how he lost substantial weight and felt happier in himself when he focused on it.

It's the snoring that's killing me right now. I worry about sleep apnea as I do sometimes think he stops breathing. He went to his GP at the start of our relationship because I couldn't handle the snoring initially and he was told there was nothing wrong with him that losing weight wouldn't help with, so that's what he did and I was incredibly grateful.

I was driving my oh nuts with my snoring and waking myself up. I've lost 4 stone since March and it is much better. Perhaps moving into another room will help him realise. My oh bought a blow up bed and slept in the office as he couldn't function with my snoring. I felt so guilty I acted on it.

He sleeps in the bedroom again now.

DH has put a lot of weight on in the last 5 years and it's all on his stomach. He was also diagnosed with the start of non alcoholic fatty liver disease. I cook really healthily as I'm diabetic and I'm also IF'ing, but he won't have a bar of it. He eats a bird sized portion of food (less than my 10 year old grandson) but then 30 minutes later gets a huge bowl of cereal or makes toast. He drinks about 4 pints of milk a day in milky coffees and he snacks constantly during the evening, to the extent that sometimes I have to leave the room if he's munching through a family sized bag of crisps or popcorn.

I have however made it very clear that I won't be caring for him in later life because he's making poor life choices now.

Not a DH. But my younger brother was in a similar position after he finished uni, a few years back. He was not overweight during college, but wasn't what you'd call skinny. He finished uni and was around 2 stone heavier than when he started. He blamed it on sitting down at the computer all day, writing essays. Alongside the normal meals, he was eating biscuits, sweets and pretty much anything, in between meals and studying. I remember him moaning and saying I'm getting fat etc and friends and family did comment too. But like some of the other posters DH, he carried on eating!

It wasn't until that he finished uni, that he actually realised how much weight he had gained. He then decided to do something about it. He got himself a part time job. Stopped snacking. Ate better meals and he's now, for the first time, skinny. He is just hoping that he doesn't go back to his old habits!

The person has to want to do it. Just moaning about it won't solve anything. And it's no good cooking them a healthy meal, if they are going to eat that and also snack on the biscuits, sweets, crisps, not long after eating it. It is very counter productive.

He's moaning tonight that his ankles are sore 'out of nowhere.' He's said this before and I've suggested that carrying too much weight won't be doing then any good. He just says 'I know' and then the conversation moves on.