Mum not supporting me

[HerRoyalStressHead]

Ive had my mum here this morning. She's meant to be caring for me but all she did is have a go at me about my weight, tell me I'm going to end up dead and made me cry because she thinks fat = worthless.
She goes on at me about my weight but she's obese herself. She tried to claim she's an expert on dieting as she's been doing it for years... such an expert she's still overweight herself
I honestly don't know what more I can do. I'm trying to change my lifestyle in a healthy way but she's convinced I need to be on 800 calories a day and starve myself. Plus I've lost almost 2 stone in the last month and a half.

She can get like this from time to time. She's usually really good, but when it comes to my weight she's a nightmare. I've asked her repeatedly not to bring up my weight as it triggers a binge cycle in me. I get she's worried but she even discussed it with my auntie without me knowing then said "well your auntie said 1700 calories is waaaaay too much for a woman full stop and she's not overweight" she's also not in a wheelchair and can actually move more than 3 steps without falling.

But she also gets like this about other things. She gets it in her head that I'm not doing enough to take care of myself and often it feels like she resents caring for me. Which I get it can't be a nice job for her but it's not easy for me either. I'm 31 and disabled and mentally ill. I never asked for this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm doing everything that I possibly can.

How do I convince her that the doctor has got me on 1700 calories for a reason and he's not wrong. He's not basing it off someone who can walk, he's based it off my activity levels and its working for me.

It sounds like she is sabotaging you tbh so that you don’t lose weight so she’s not the only one who is overweight.

Your calories are fine, unable to exercise due to an injury then operation, I lost my weight by sticking to a calorie target and barely moved. You can do this! Don’t let her derail you

Thank you. It's hard because I've always been around this and she's always been overweight. I've not, I only gained weight when my disabilities got bad. And she's always been jealous of that, she used to tell me "you've got it so easy, look at you, skinny as a rake" now it's "you're going to get diabetes" (I've had my blood tested repeatedly and my sugar levels are completely fine but she won't accept that either, just like she won't accept my relationship because we're long distance she thinks it doesn't count, she also thinks I'm too fat to be loved by anyone)
So all I know is a toxic relationship with food and using it for comfort. Whereas previously I could do that and burn it off through exercise I'm having to teach myself new ways of coping with stress because I can no longer exercise.

She sounds pretty poisonous, OP. I don’t want to overreact but maybe distancing yourself a bit would be wise. Are there any other care options for you? Could you ask your GP about a referral of some kind, given that she’s scuppering your attempt to be healthy?

Meanwhile, tell her that you’ve had medical advice about calories and aren’t seeking further opinion. Repeat as necessary.

Well done on the 2 stone loss!

Plus I've lost almost 2 stone in the last month and a half

Well done you, that's amazing, carry on as you are, it's obviously working

How do I convince her that the doctor has got me on 1700 calories for a reason and he's not wrong. He's not basing it off someone who can walk, he's based it off my activity levels and its working for me

See above.

I get she's worried but she even discussed it with my auntie without me knowing then said "well your auntie said 1700 calories is waaaaay too much for a woman full stop and she's not overweight

Your auntie sounds like one of those weirdos on the tuna salad thread yesterday, who were telling the OP that her normal looking tuna salad (not even a MN 'massive salad') was so large it would feed four people, so no wonder she was overweight if that's what she was having for lunch, after not having any breakfast and before a normal healthy dinner. So ignore her.

Sorry I've only just come back to this. Things have been hectic as I'm in the middle of decorating. Well, my brother is doing for me but you know what I mean.
Mums apologised and said she'll get off my case but I'm pretty certain it won't last long at all. She's one of those who claims they don't mince their words but is actually just a bit mean.
She's just phoned to tell me to tell my 14 year old that shoes don't live in the living room and to tell him tomorrow not to be lazy when he gets in from school. I told her if he wants to get in from school, kick his shoes off and relax for ten minutes before moving them then I've no problem with that. Apparently that makes me a lazy parent and I'm raising lazy kids. because I don't expect everything to be perfect all of the time, kids make mess. They're kids. I'm not going to get on their case to hide away the fact that they live here too.

She sounds massively sabotaging. Why is she your carer? Do you get PIP etc? Is paying for care a possibility?

I do get pip and I've been referred to adult social care by my MH team to see what they can do for me.so hopefully I can get care through them and won't have to rely on my mum.

She sounds jealous of your weightloss and even she may be jealous because she feels you've had a valid excuse for being overweight and she has not.

With regards to your children and your parenting. I think it's retaliation for you calling her up on her parenting (her making you feel bad) so she's being critical about your parenting.

Probably if you say anything, she will say you are just being sensitive (you are not!) You are not alone. Try and laugh it off. Have you watched gilmore girls as the relationship between the grandmother and mother is a bit like that. Critisism!

When I say laugh it off I don't mean in front of her. Just sort of inwardly try and accept that it's who she is and try and be amused by her horrible jealousy. I think accepting it's how they are and taking their behaviour with a pinch of salt is better than taking their insults as advice.

That sounds a much healthier plan.