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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Don’t know what to do about my fatness anymore 🙃

49 replies

FedUpButCantStopEating · 04/04/2023 19:32

I am starting to feel hopeless about ever losing weight for any prolonged period of time.

Have tried many times to lose weight, but haven’t found anything that I can stick to.
Usually end up binging and vowing to never diet again because the evidence shows that diets don’t work. But I am genuinely scared for my health, can barely put my socks on, have no confidence in how I look and am starting to panic a bit.

I really don’t want to start injections due to cost, the potential risks and the fact they can’t be used forever.

I’m mid thirties, weigh 15st 3lb (97kg), am 5ft 4in (163cm). Had short lived success with hypnotherapy and the One2One (aka Cambridge Diet). Couldn’t get on board with Slimming World, intermittent fasting triggered migraines and calorie counting makes me obsessive (I think deep down my eating is quite disordered).

If anyone has any ideas, comments, experiences that might help me, I’m all ears. TTC is on the cards soon and I really want to get my weight down.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/04/2023 21:17

I totally understand, I can lose weight but when it comes to maintaining I just can't seem to do it. As soon as I stop calorie counting and restricting carbs the weight piles right back on. Lost 5 stone in 2020-21, now I'm back to nearly where I started and having to do it all again.

I love a good spreadsheet, so have restarted my old one, set 1/2 stone goals, calculated every possible thing I can track/graph and calculate and now I just need to log everything i eat for the rest of my life and it will be just fine Whoop! Yay!

Don’t know what to do about my fatness anymore 🙃
Thelittlekingdom · 04/04/2023 21:33

@FedUpButCantStopEating, I’m aiming to lose at least 6 stone which feels like it’ll never happen. One2one the first time round was fine but I went back to bad habits. This time around having messed about with the one2one again is looking at habits that I can be consistent with. My issue is evening meals. I’ve got two kids who are autistic and have coeliac and one other children who doesn’t have coeliac and finding something they can all eat is a pain. My downfall is crisps. I really really love crisps and think im going to have to knock eating them on the head for a while.

FedUpButCantStopEating · 04/04/2023 21:51

Thank you so much everyone, so much to “chew on” 😜

I have just finally bought Why We Eat So Much as have seen this mentioned so many times on MN.

It’s really nice to know other people feel they are in the same position, sometimes I feel very lonely when it comes to obesity.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 04/04/2023 22:08

Since the PT worked, seems like some peer pressure world help you exercise. What do you enjoy?

Commit to meeting a friend for walk or gym session? Join a regular class or a relaxed sports team or league? Find a dog to walk each week on borrow-my-doggie?

SleekMamma · 04/04/2023 22:44

Do you have any insight as to what the disordered eating is that you do?
And do you need help to address this? Maybe talking to someone to help you uncover what is going on in your head might be worth it?

What works long term is healthier eating and more exercise. Building healthy habits, starting small and going steady.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/04/2023 23:21

You need to get to the root cause. Therapy can help with this but I understand it's expensive and can take a while.

LSSG · 05/04/2023 04:47

You haven't really mentioned what your diet is like. The quality of the food we eat is so crucial. I would start by cutting out any food that contains seed oils, as these are so bad for our health (and weight) and really there is nothing good about them. That's sunflower oil, rapeseed etc. cook with grass fed butter, extra virgin olive oil, or coconut oil. Even that will probably have an effect. Reduce ultra processed foods, avoid things with a long ingredients list.

Try to focus on whole foods, meat, fruit, veg. Reduce processed sugar and grains, try honey and maple instead if you need something sweet. Cook as much as you can at home, avoiding convenience foods. Loosely follow a Mediterranean or animal based diet.

Twilightstarbright · 05/04/2023 06:37

What you’ve said has resonated with me.

I spent months doing therapy for Binge Eating Disorder and it really helped. Happy to share the name of my therapist- they specialise in eating disorders and are remote so very accessible.

I feel like now I’ve addressed the disordered eating I can focus to a healthy weight. I’m reading Why We Eat Too Much and going to follow his recommendations. Also going to increase my activity levels as it has such a positive effect on my mental health.

You aren’t alone, I promise.

Vegetus · 05/04/2023 06:57

LSSG · 05/04/2023 04:47

You haven't really mentioned what your diet is like. The quality of the food we eat is so crucial. I would start by cutting out any food that contains seed oils, as these are so bad for our health (and weight) and really there is nothing good about them. That's sunflower oil, rapeseed etc. cook with grass fed butter, extra virgin olive oil, or coconut oil. Even that will probably have an effect. Reduce ultra processed foods, avoid things with a long ingredients list.

Try to focus on whole foods, meat, fruit, veg. Reduce processed sugar and grains, try honey and maple instead if you need something sweet. Cook as much as you can at home, avoiding convenience foods. Loosely follow a Mediterranean or animal based diet.

No it isn't. The quality of food is important but not the holy grail of losing weight. Have you ever heard the on the Twinkie diet?

AprilDecember · 06/04/2023 23:47

Hi OP,

When you are obese, the holy grail to losing weight is a calorie deficit. There are no magic solutions and, having been in your shoes, my advice would be don't over-complicate things.

The reason we are obese is that we eat too many calories.

The good news is that if you are obese, you can still have a calorie deficit with quite a high calorie intake.

As you worked well with a PT before, might a coach work for you? There are loads of online ones these days (though do your research carefully, some are a bit cultish, some are cowboys, some are dangerous... ).

My numbers are eerily like yours, it almost could be me except I started at half a kilo left and am late 30s so a couple of years older. I have been overweight pretty much all my life, have suffered with eating disorders since I was 15, got quite successful losing weight once or twice through a couple of plans like WW or just plain calorie counting. But it was always short lived because I didn't address how I would actually live like this forever.

The pandemic ruined me in many ways and I've hovered around 15 stone for several years. I tried a fitness coach who I was working well with and making progress, but I was on 1200 calories a day and he tried to cut it to 1100 (I refused). I wasn't hungry on 1200, I ate well and planned well, felt energetic etc, but it was very inflexible. This was in lockdown so nothing else to focus on but ways to stretch 1200 calories. My coach then got ill and stopped working. My life also went tits up and I ended up quitting and gaining everything back.

I tried another coach a year later but we didn't gel. However, he put me on 1700 calories to start, and I was losing quite steadily so I thought OK maybe I can be a bit more flexible. I ditched the coach and had many failed attempts at just going it alone on anything between 1400-1700 calories.

I felt like a total failure and was full of self loathing, but then I tried to look back at the positives of every failed attempt.

It turned I was successful when I ate food I liked, and did exercise I liked. Simple. I'm reasonably active, I have an active hobby and hit 12000 steps most days (a couple of days a week I get to 18-20000 and it doesn't feel exhausting). So the missing pieces were focused high intensity exercise, and sorting out my atrocious diet.

I also realised I needed support, I don't have anyone around me who is supportive, so someone to help with structure and frustrations was needed. I decided to invest in an online fitness coach. People scoff and say it's expensive and you could just figure it out on your own, but I've been trying to do that for 40 years. There is no shame in needing help, but find the right help for you.

I found a new coach this year, by chance really. I wasn't planning on it but stumbled upon her company by chance, was sick of how I looked at the time, and everything she was saying made sense to me. So I just took the plunge. In a way I think that was key, because I didn't have time to put all these mental barriers in the way like "I'll do it after the weekend /my holiday /my busy period at work".

She's put me on 2000 calories a day to start. I thought this was mad, but I've been losing 0.5-1kg a week. Most days I eat about 1800 and am full - before, I could easily eat a packet of pasta meant for 2 people and an entire packet of chocolate digestives. Maybe it's psychological - knowing I have 2000 to play with means I don't feel like I've ruined everything if I eat over a tiny number by a tiny amount. It's also a bit more flexible if you have a meal out one day or whatever, just shave a couple of hundred calories from some other days that week.

2000 calories is also loads of food; you can be satisfied and nourished on 17-1800, and then if you fancy a Crunchie on the odd day it's not the end of the world. I eat normal food - eggs, whole milk, real butter, bread, meat, veg, potatoes ...I'm actually enjoying food again instead of feeling guilt and shame.

I'm also weight training, which is making a big difference, and is also fun and rewarding.

I'm sure the losses will plateau and I will need to drop the calories and up the workouts to still be in a deficit at some point, but I feel much more in control of my eating and am breaking the super restriction vs binge cycle. Things feel sustainable now.

If you are obsese, you are probably quite fixated on food, so things like one meal a day are unlikely to be sustainable, and are very likely to make you feel shit, off the wagon.

If you get down to ten stone and fancy dropping to 9 or 8, then maybe it's worth experimenting with other diet theories. But in your shoes I would stick with regular eating and a calorie deficit until stops working.

Yrmyfavourite · 06/04/2023 23:58

OP, this sounds familiar.

Have you ever been diagnosed or looked into ADHD or polycystic ovarian syndrome? I only ask because, I have been recently diagnosed with both of these and have realised that both of these attribute to why I struggle so much with weight loss.

ADHD causes binge eating (a quick dopamine hit!). Untreated PCOS makes losing weight extremely difficult. Either of these alone or, like I have, a combination of the two with the long list of symptoms they both involve (please do your own research before self diagnosing!) can make weight gain very easy and weight loss an impossible goal.

There are long lists of other symptoms and issues which arise with both of these conditions so, again, please speak to a doctor and do your own research but, what you said immediately rang alarm bells for me as, I spent 30 years not realising why I was never able to diet effectively and understanding the cause has helped me massively!

Good luck 💐

FedUpButCantStopEating · 07/04/2023 21:28

@Yrmyfavourite I sometimes wonder about ADHD…sometimes I think no don’t be silly. Other times I think good God that resonates. So I don’t know really!! Interesting point though. Hmmm.

PCOS I can confidently say is something I DON’T have, due to repeated investigations in that area. Although have had issues with other gynae stuff.

OP posts:
FedUpButCantStopEating · 07/04/2023 21:36

I have now read Why We Eat Too Much and had a look at the associated threads on MN. I’m definitely sold on the weight set point theory as it fits with my own experience.

I also am (currently) very motivated to stop all vegetable oils, drastically reduce if not cut out bread/other wheat products, and start viewing sugar as an addictive, toxic substance.

All very extreme sounding but I’m not a huge carby person anyway, chocolate and bread and butter are my major weaknesses. Also partial to the odd cake, chips and mayonnaise.

Don’t know what to make of the “nuts might make your body think you need to put on weight for winter” thing, but reading the MN threads most people aren’t sold on that, and rather crucially, he presents no evidence for it.

The main thing is that the author has empathy for obese people because it is likely that the obesity is outside of our control due to incorrect public health messaging and our modern food environment.

Am now reading Tim Spector’s Spoon Fed.

OP posts:
Snowjokes · 08/04/2023 05:24

@Twilightstarbright could I get the details of that therapist please? I’ll PM you.

Unescorted · 08/04/2023 05:53

I am another advocate of small sustainable changes with an overarching eat less move more ethos.

I had to cut alcohol for other reasons which made a huge difference. Other than that it has been skip breakfast - I still have coffee so don't get headaches. Reduce portion sizes- plate up and take a 3rd of the carbs off.
Stop buying crisps, only buy boring cheese, stop making cakes, cooking smaller amounts so there aren't leftovers - all to reduce my uncontrollable grazing. If it isn't there it can't be eaten.

I have also started at the gym - I like the predictability of the environment. I know what I am going to do before I go. I know what days I am going and for how long. I know some people would hate this.

I don't eat my exercise calories and accept that there will be periods in my day that I will feel hungry. I think that change in mind set from "I am a little peckish, must eat now or I will literally die a horrible prolonged and agonising death" to "I am peckish, lunch is in an hour. That is an hour when my body is burning unwanted fat. Yay I am doing soooooo well. Go me" has been really key.

I have lost 20kg (3st) since August by just doing the small things.

gloriousmulch · 08/04/2023 06:36

I’ve lost 6 stone since June through smaller portions, not snacking (particularly sugary snacks), no alcohol, not eating very late or early, cutting down carbs and doing lots of exercise. I’m in my 50s and nothing had ever worked before - unfortunately it took a T2 diagnosis to focus me properly!
If you can find a way to get exercise into your routine, even if it’s just a bit more incidental walking every day, I reckon the benefits (mental AND physical) would show.

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 06:40

Firstly, bin any thoughts about slimming world and weightwatchers. They are not sustainable. I don't know anyone who has done them and not had to go back and do it again within a few years. It's not a lifestyle, it's a crash diet.

You need to change your lifestyle.

That includes exersice - finding something you enjoy and can do regularly, that fits into your life. I see a personal trainer which has been life changing for me and I highly recommend if you can afford it. It doesn't have to be shouty and aggressive - mine is wonderful and supports me holistically, both mental and physical health. She's amazing.

And yes you do need to change your diet, but instead of slashing calories/ weightwatchers etc., just incorporate more vegetables, more protein, more whole foods. Still have the treats you want and don't deny yourself, because if you start a good exercise routine, it makes up for it anyway! I have cake/ treats of some kind most days and I am healthy.

Just my thoughts anyway, it needs to be sustainable and there is no point doing something if you don't think you can do it for the rest of your life.

Myfitnesspal has also been a very helpful website for me.

Good luck!

SunshineGeorgie · 08/04/2023 06:54

All very interesting

I threw some money at the situation for an eating reset and bought saxenda

Lost over 3 stone and weaning off it now. Portion size has been key for me. And calorie deficit definitely!

Cheesyfootballs01 · 14/04/2023 13:07

FedUpButCantStopEating · 07/04/2023 21:36

I have now read Why We Eat Too Much and had a look at the associated threads on MN. I’m definitely sold on the weight set point theory as it fits with my own experience.

I also am (currently) very motivated to stop all vegetable oils, drastically reduce if not cut out bread/other wheat products, and start viewing sugar as an addictive, toxic substance.

All very extreme sounding but I’m not a huge carby person anyway, chocolate and bread and butter are my major weaknesses. Also partial to the odd cake, chips and mayonnaise.

Don’t know what to make of the “nuts might make your body think you need to put on weight for winter” thing, but reading the MN threads most people aren’t sold on that, and rather crucially, he presents no evidence for it.

The main thing is that the author has empathy for obese people because it is likely that the obesity is outside of our control due to incorrect public health messaging and our modern food environment.

Am now reading Tim Spector’s Spoon Fed.

I know you say that you are not a ‘carby’ person but this paragraph is all carbs..

All very extreme sounding but I’m not a huge carby person anyway, chocolate and bread and butter are my major weaknesses. Also partial to the odd cake, chips and mayonnaise.

Nowillpowerarall · 14/04/2023 13:08

Can I join you please? I'm in a similar boat.

WonderWoop · 15/04/2023 18:47

@SunshineGeorgie can I ask how the weaning off is going?

Mojoj · 15/04/2023 19:04

LeafHunter · 04/04/2023 19:58

Therapy. Real stuff not 8 weeks on the NHS. If you think it is disordered then treat it as so.

This. If everyone with disordered eating paid a therapist instead of the diet industry, it wouldn't be worth billions....Take charge of your body.

PearlHeart3 · 10/06/2023 17:44

You were the same starting weight and height as me. This is probably not what you want to hear but I ended up having gastric sleeve surgery. I'm a year post op and maintaining 4 stone less well, just one more stone until I'm where I want to be. I've been up and down a lot with weight and after slimming world and a baby it wouldn't shift no matter how many calories I've dropped. It's an extreme solution but then I was really unhappy and couldn't face another summer being fat and uncomfortable.

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