Wanting to help... but need advice

[bubbajj]

I am after advice on how to approach this topic without ending in divorce. I love my wife, we have 3 teenage kids, and I am really worried about her health. She is very overweight, our kids have talked to me on several separate occasions to say, can you do something. She has always said, never talk to her about her weight. She eats junk food in secret, then says she is not hungry at dinner time. She does no exercise at all, and when I try to encourage to do something together it never ends well. This is such a sensitive topic, and I realize this is mental issue, and that she needs professional help. I would do anything in the world to help, but I feel I can't even get to the starting line.

I’m sorry I don’t have any experience, I’m wondering if you could come at it from a different angle and make out like it’s you and the kids that want to start something new, like Parkrun? When you say it’s ended badly in the past, what do you mean? Is that because of the discussion around weight, or something else? If you said you wanted to start and that the kids were keen too, it would be harder for her to not do it as a family maybe? You could say it’s a good excuse to get the teenagers a bit more active and spending less time on phones (or whatever would make sense in your family).
Who does the food shop? And who plans and cooks the meals?

I do the shopping and plan the meals, I always ensure that we eat healthily. All of our kids and myself are very active.

It's so tricky. But she knows she's overweight, so telling her won't do anything. Plus, if she's specifically said to please not mention it, it would be very unkind to bring it up to her.

It's so hard for you and the DC to see this. But all I can think is that it's useful for you teach DC that people need to want help in order to receive it. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

It's a useful life lesson for them.

Appreciate it doesn't improve this situation though. Glad you and the DC are keeping healthy.

If you do the shopping, is that where she’s getting the snacks from for the secret eating? What kinds of things is she eating? Wondering if you could stop buying the snacks (appreciate that’s simplistic, but curious as to whether she’s getting them elsewhere, like buying them herself in secret).

Agree that she needs to make the decision herself somewhat, but sometimes your children having a serious discussion (or writing a letter even, so it’s not as confrontational) might help. Maybe if they said they’re scared for her, and want her to be healthy and enjoy a long life, and see her grandchildren etc, it might jolt her a bit into action.

From the overweight wife perspective I can tell you, she knows she’s fat. I knew, yet I was getting pissed of when my husband was making hints that I should do something about this before it’s too late.It wasn’t until I had wake up call the husband was actually right. I don’t think you can do much, she needs to make the decision herself. But if/when she does, you need to be extremely supportive