Feeling helpless about weight loss and so cross wiht myself

[goingpearshaped]

I have never been this big and feel horrible. I have lost weight via WW.SW a few times and got own to goal etc but not for about 8 years I think. Thr weight has crept on and I am so disgusted with myself. I just cannot get myself out of the rut though. Work is insane, kids/life is busy and I just can't sort myself out. Working at home is the worst for this. Has anyone got past this? I just can't even cope with getting on the scales as I know my MH is not great so this will demoralise rather than help at this point.

I am so angry that I have done this (with myself) but can't turn that anger into action for some stupid reason. Is it just me?

You need to let go of your guilt and self-disgust. I would recommend the book 'Why we eat (too much)' by Andrew Jenkinson. This explains why some people are more prone to gain weight than others - in a nutshell, it isn't your fault. You can't move forward while you have such unjust negative thoughts about yourself.

I read it this time last year and it was a game changer - I've since reduced my BMI from 33 to 23.

There's no need to get on the scales just yet. First you need to find a healthy WOE that is sustainable in the long term - not a 'diet' but a new way of eating. There are suggestions in the book I mentioned, but take your time to find something you think you can do forever - that might be the Jenkinson method, or it might be WW/SW, or low carb/high fat - so many options out there.

When you start, rather than weighing yourself, measure yourself once a week. Once you start getting smaller, you'll feel better about weighing yourself, and you'll know that as long as you stick to your healthy way of eating, you will never be that weight again.

Wishing you luck!

Thank you so much @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake for such a kind and thoughful reply. You are so right re the guilt and self disgust. I just can't get past that at the moment and it's holding me back. I have to be able to move forward.

I have ordered the book, thank you. Well done on your weight loss, that is astouding. I hope I can come back next year and report similar (sounds like a similar BMI from what I imagine for me based on last scales attempt).

And yes to a new way of eating, that is what I am struggling with and then getting annoyed with myself for not doing what is so obvious. I don't want to diet as I know that won't last for me, it needs to be sustainable. Thank you for kindness.

I agree with @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake its the feelings of disgust and anger with yourself that are fuelling this. Your world will change if you look to address this first.
The food/ weight is the symptom not the problem.
If you can look to move forward with care and compassion for yourself, you will make different choices for yourself.
Also agree that diets are the devil. I found intuitive eating really helped me change my relationship with food.
But i couldn’t advise more for you to really address about how you feel about yourself first. You deserve to feel better than this.

Healthy lifestyle is really important. I've lost 6 stone by slimming world, but I don't think I could have without lockdown. It allowed me to do a total reset, focussing on me, my needs, what I want.

Have a serious look at your way of life and see if you can make it less stressful/healthier.

Think about adding fruit and veg, outdoor time and exercise. Check your sleep, make sure you prioritise it! Organise your meal planning and shopping so that you aren't cooking on the hoof. Plan in snacks- fruit, veg, veg soup, yogurt, boiled eggs. Up your protein.

Think about adding in healthy habits instead of cutting out treat foods.

Schedule some non food based treats- an hour in the bath, a good book, a walk on your own/with a friend, coffee with a friend.

I think you have to view your weight and diet in the context of the bigger picture of your life. It sounds like you're busy and stressed and your weight is the outcome of this. No time for cooking healthy meals, no time for exercise, no time for yourself, binge eating to relax. I've been there and bought the t-shirt. It's all well and good doing these diets, but if they don't slot nicely into your lifestyle or make it harder (I'm looking at you slimming world!) then it just won't work.

I agree that sometimes it needs a huge reset. Look at what you need to change in your life. What can you do to make more time for yourself etc.

Personally, I'm doing a VLCD. They have their haters. People tell me it teaches me nothing about healthy eating habits, when I go back to normal I'll pile it on. I disagree. Just taking away all of the complicated rules and pressure around food has been liberating. I just have my shake or soup or bar and I'm done. It's also taught me that I can manage on a lot less food than I thought I needed. I'm also learning about the times I want to eat for reasons other than hunger. Which is a lot. So I'm working on that.

I'm not saying you should do a VLCD. I'm saying you should look at the real problem, which is your stressful lifestyle and how you cope with it. If you manage that, healthy eating etc will naturally become easier.

I can't thank you enough @amidsummernightsdream @picklemewalnuts and @Skullycup45 for being so lovely. You have all hit the nail on the head with the self loathing and that this is actually not solely about weight. I hate pretty much all of me at the moment and this is just one in which this manifests itself. I do want to change things and will read the book @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake mentioned but also give thought to getting outside more and introducing healthy habits. I know habits are the way forward.

I am still not sure how to be kinder to myself.

@Skullycup45, you are so right about a solution (for want of a better term) not fitting my life. That's how I feel right now. I don't have space to add anything else in and feel very stressed. I am trying to be better at work in terms of saying no and prioritising my own wants but easier said than done. I did make it out for a run the other day which was progress as I had not done that for months (part time, part ill health and part C19 child isolation). It was helpful.

You all rock, thank you for just not tellling me off!

Good luck @Skullycup45 with the VLCD, I hope it helps :)

I'm happy to hang around, Pearshaped, if you want some accountability, hand holding, or just a cheerleader...!

I'm nominally 'at target' at the moment, though still overweight, and need to establish healthy habits myself! It's really easy to fall back into old ways. I need to stay at this weight for a while, and ideally lose more in the future, but alongside keeping up activity levels and managing stress.

Thanks @picklemewalnuts, I will take you up on that. You have done amazingly, I did mean to say that in my reply. That's a huge loss, go you.

I'm reading this eating an unhealthy sandwich in my car and completely agreeing.

I've heard about that book a lot I think I will order it. OP your life sounds so busy and its hard to make changes when it is that way

The book is 99p on kindle today... taking it as a sign!

@goingpearshaped

Good luck *@Skullycup45* with the VLCD, I hope it helps :)

Thanks, it's actually easier than I expected. There just isn't the huge faff that I usually experience with other diets. I don't need to expend mental energy I don't have right now!

It's hard juggling everything all at once, but it does get easier. I say this as I'm trying to WFH and have my two kids at home. I'm on here as a distraction! Instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what you can do. Can you do 15 minutes walk each day? Do that instead of beating yourself up that you don't have an hour for a run. You might not have time to make every meal from scratch but you can manage one a day, focus on doing that.

I'm happy to stick around for moral support. Once I made the mental connection, everything slotted into place with me.

You all seem so lovely I lost 2 stone 10 years ago through VLCD kept it mostly off but at lockdown 1 I got really fit running yoga amazing weather but I lost 3 businesses had to take a job and here I am working from home very low a stone heavier and feeling shit about myself went back in VLCD this week but my son who is normally boarding has mental health issues one with food so now I need to provide him with nutritious food so I am back to looking at meal plans which long term is better I know

I too have been where you are @goingpearshaped and echo what other posters have said about how important it is to let go of those feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

I had a major breakthrough a few years ago when I realised that I wasn’t fat because of some fundamental moral failing on my part. I was fat because I had a lot of shit to deal with and eating was simply my way of dealing with that. People don’t feel like a failure for having a glass of wine every night to cope with things, so why would I need to feel like a failure for eating a chocolate bar? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I successfully lost 4 stone last year. I started , not by looking at calories, but by going to bed earlier and making sure I got enough sleep. Then I looked at ways of managing my stress better. After that, I added in some moderate exercise, and a few weeks later I started removing some of the rubbish from my diet.

I did move on to counting calories eventually, but I don’t think I would have stuck with that if I hadn’t put those more fundamental building blocks of more sleep, better coping mechanisms for stress and a little bit more movement in place first. I still have days, or weeks when I’m not doing so well diet wise, but I try not to beat myself it over it. As long as I’m still doing at least some of the other stuff, I’m doing better than I used to do!

On a different note, I also read that Why We Eat book. A lot of people really like it, but personally I felt it didn’t say enough about the emotional side of eating, which is such an important factor in many people’s weight gain. There’s not much point looking at the ratio of omega 3 and omega 6 in your diet, if you know that the first thing you’ll do when you get stressed is reach for a Mars bar. That’s just my opinion though 🙈

@bookish83

The book is 99p on kindle today... taking it as a sign!

Thanks for that, Bookish! I've bought it. Am happy to read along, if anyone wants to!

This is the Mumsnet thread for 'Why we eat (too much):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4332041-Why-We-Eat-Too-Much-Thread-4

Lots of support and meal inspiration!

Thanks all again for the kindness (you actually made me cry, I thought I was going to get told to just bloody do it!). Also because you have more insight that I do clearly as to the wider issues. @Crazzzycat, your post really resonated with me, that is where I am.

Good luck @Parsley1234

@ArblemarzipanTFruitcake

You need to let go of your guilt and self-disgust. I would recommend the book 'Why we eat (too much)' by Andrew Jenkinson. This explains why some people are more prone to gain weight than others - in a nutshell, it isn't your fault. You can't move forward while you have such unjust negative thoughts about yourself.

I read it this time last year and it was a game changer - I've since reduced my BMI from 33 to 23.

There's no need to get on the scales just yet. First you need to find a healthy WOE that is sustainable in the long term - not a 'diet' but a new way of eating. There are suggestions in the book I mentioned, but take your time to find something you think you can do forever - that might be the Jenkinson method, or it might be WW/SW, or low carb/high fat - so many options out there.

When you start, rather than weighing yourself, measure yourself once a week. Once you start getting smaller, you'll feel better about weighing yourself, and you'll know that as long as you stick to your healthy way of eating, you will never be that weight again.

Wishing you luck!

I just read this book, it is absolutely amazing!!