Weight loss rut - can't face the failure

[FlorallyBankrupt]

I have a BMI of 38 and have 4-5 stone to lose. I'm 49 and in menopause, taking HRT (oestrogen applied to the skin, not tablets).

I've lost and gained repeatedly during my lifetime, starting at age 21. I had great success with the old style WW in 2005, lost 3. 5 stone, gained it all back over a few years and lost it again in 2014 by calorie counting. Gained that back too, and since then it's been a cycle of gaining and losing and regaining, a little more each time, until I've achieved the size of a small whale. Slimming World, Exante, intermittent fasting, you name it.

My downfall is habitually and compulsively eating lorry loads of sugar. It's not really emotional eating (only sometimes), it's just eating because I like it and it makes me happy. I'm lucky to have a very happy contented life. I am approaching 50 and I'm not prediabetic, I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol, I don't have joint problems exacerbated by weight. I do have gastric reflux and chronic migraine.

I really want to lose a bit of weight just to be taken a bit more seriously at work and socially, for my family not to look at me with sad faces and not be seen as lazy and stupid or whatever fat moniker I deserve. I'm not expecting to be super fit or very slim, only to be smaller. But I just can't face failing again. I must have started and failed 20 times in the last 7 years, I'm so sick of myself and tired of either being on a diet or not on a diet. I need to change my habits, but with a husband doing ALL the cooking (he's a keeper and a feeder) and also wanting to lose weight himself but firmly set in his diet beliefs from the 80s, I find it all overwhelming.

I'm not sure why I'm posting, I know how to lose weight. It just suddenly seems much harder now, it doesn't come off how it used to, and having fallen at the 2nd or 3rd hurdle every time over the last few years I almost can't be arsed to try any more.

Maybe I'm looking for words of wisdom or a kick up the very ample arse?

It's not just about losing weight, it's about changing your mindset and changing your life style. Your husband too. He needs to be supportive and if he isn't then you do your own cooking. I would recommend getting a professional to tailor make you a meal plan. I did this (still doing as we speak) and it has hugely helped me. Since having my second baby I have a really bad sweet tooth and really bad cravings and my coach has included small treats in my plan, but in modération. I stick to my plan entirely and find it really helps. I would literally be eating Nutella by the jar if it wasn't for her! You can do it, but you need to be strict with your self. Treats are OK, binge eating is not but if you eat more if the right foods you will feel fuller and want to snack less. Stay away from really restrictive diets as these are harder and lead to future weight gain when you stop the diet. You need to make permanent life changes. You can do it! :) x

I think most of us can relate. Why not set a smaller target, say lose 2 stone by end of the year? It's less daunting, but enough to make a difference in how you feel, move and look.

The issue is you focus on the diet then go back to your old eating habits which are what made you fat in th first place and always will. Maintenance is always the hard part. You need to not just go on a diet, you need to change your lifestyle.

You also need to take personal responsibility. There’s an element of trying to blame your husband in there, when in reality it’s sugar that’s your downfall. It’s not the meals he cooks that are the issue, it’s how much of them you eat and then the rest of the crap.

So basically you need to own it, not blame him ans you need to change your lifestyle.

I really sympathise. Losing weight is much harder when you get older and maintaining weight loss is a constant effort. I lost 4.5 stone last year by using MFP and exercise. I also did intermittent fasting for a while but found it difficult to recover from my longer runs so stopped that. Basically I still log my calories and do some form of exercise every day. I’m also taking HRT (patches). Cutting alcohol and all processed food has helped enormously. I do indulge occasionally, but limit it to special occasions and when we eat out which isn’t often. When I do, I really notice how tired and sluggish it makes me feel.

I think our bodies are like cars. When we get older we are still capable of great things, but only if we’re looked after properly. Let things slide and we get sick pretty quickly.

I have had to accept that if I want to be a healthy weight and feel good as I get older, the changes need to be permanent. It’s the only way I have found I’m afraid.

Could you maybe look at a different goal? Like reducing the sugar, or eating more vegetables (so you have less room for the treats), or increasing your step count, or taking up some new form of exercise? Something that in an ideal world will have the side effect of you losing a bit of weight, but which takes your focus off the thing that you have found problems with before.

I have a similar weight history but what finally worked for me was finding an exercise I loved (boxing, and then weight-lifting). This made me want to eat more healthily to fuel the exercise and also made me want to shed some weight so I could enjoy the exercise more and do more things. Once the weight itself stopped being a focus it became much easier to manage.

Maybe you’re a bit like me in that you’re addicted to sugar. I lost weight last year using MFP and calorie counting. I managed to shift 3 stone but I couldn’t keep it off because I got huge urges to binge and the day after a sugar binge, I’d wake up ravenous and the cycle would start all over and I’d have several days (longest was 10) of bingeing every day. I think I was kidding myself about being able to do everything in moderation. I had to accept that I can’t do that. My body just doesn’t tolerate sugar well.
I have read the Obesity Code by Jason Fung now and I’ve changed how I view dieting. It’s not about calories in vs calories out other than on a very basic level. Sure, if you keep within a certain range of calories, you won’t gain weight but that doesn’t factor in cravings that are too strong to overcome on a daily basis. Those who say it’s easy don’t have them or nearly not as bad. For many obese people, it’s as if there’s no limit to the stomach’s capacity. I could eat three times what a woman needs in a day calorie-wise, no problem. And even if I was stuffed to feeling sick, twenty minutes later there would be room for more. Not fun.
I have been doing low carb now for the first time ever. I have been in ketosis for a month and have lost loads of weight and look and feel much better. I’m less than a stone away from my goal weight. The amazing thing about it is the lack of sugar cravings. They’re gone! If I’m hungry between meals, I can have a slice of cheese or a few nuts. In the past, that would have triggered a toast-binge and 8 buttered slices later, I’d be ordering a pizza. For me it’s the first time I haven’t been ravenous and it feels so different to what I am used to. In due course I will need to think about how to gradually increase carbs but for the moment it’s great. No binges for 38 days. Definitely the longest I have managed this year by far.
Good luck, OP. And if your husband loves you, he will stop being a feeder. Tell him you will be cooking for yourself from now on to give you control. I view feeders the same as people who try to give booze to an addict. There’s nothing fun or harmless in being morbidly obese. Tell him to stop it. Your health is luckily not yet affected but it’s only a matter of time.

Thanks for the tips and advice, food for thought.

@Ontherebound34

Well done! That’s a huge achievement!

Thank you @Bluntness100! I feel so much healthier and in control with this way of eating.